being strong

Some people tell me that am being very strong.

In a way that maybe only I can taste it, what a cruel way to earn this compliment...

I hadn't plan to be strong or anything, am just doing what I know, and what I'm learning to go on. The clock ticks on, the earth spins on, dogs still bark, the cats keep breeding...the banks continue to bill you.

Am happy for him as he's left this messy world behind, thought it hurts like mad when I get reminded that he might have been scared, or was in pain before he lost it, and he was all alone there, even just for a few seconds.

But turning around now and face my desktop, this road remains ahead of me, of us. It is both windy and sunny, a change has come. Tomorrow onwards my to-do list will look different from before, I will need to grow up a little faster.

J and I been in love for just a little less than a decade. I finally looked it up (old emails) and confirmed that we've been in love since January of 2002. Just over eight years. I find myself hanging on to him even now, clinging hard inside, wanting that reality of my world.

Refusing to use past tense for a week now, when I refer to him.

But it's Monday tomorrow...the banks open tomorrow, like any ordinary Monday.

He was my reality, my planet, my sun, my inner strength, my teacher, and some of my friends know, he was my husband.

Now I have to peel all these from him, and slowly paste them back on myself, piece by piece. Now my reality, my planet, my sun, inner strength and my teacher...will have his name on them.

I didn't plan to be strong. I saw myself crying night and day, everywhere, anywhere, uncontrollably, canceling everything I do and plan to do.

But I didn't, I cried mostly only when am alone. I laugh and joke, I sing, I dance, I went back to work, I try to get organised. Am not sure how I manage that but that's it. Tomorrow I will call the bank to start the beginning of a potentially painful process of transferring liability.

I hope it will be a good mix of the `reality-bites' and continuance of soul-searching. I will hold his hand in my mind, I will hold it hard.

Not saying goodbye, my lover. Rest well tonight, sweetie.