Seeking, and living

It's like I've let open the tab of 'soul-searching water'...

One morning I woke up, while cleaning my face and inspecting the condition of my eye allergy in the mirror I was suddenly humbled and grateful for being able to see, to have eyes that function.

Other days I spent saying grateful thanks in silent to things like high speed internet, clean running water, electricity...capitalism, etc.  Am not sure what brought about this kind of reflective mode in me recently.

But I know this feeling has been lingering for a year now.  I suspect, my strong conviction is that it's my `reaction' or response to my new status as a single person.  Maybe, I just thought of it now, maybe this is a self-protection mechanism that I have developed, subconsciously - to shield myself from potential feeling of loss and fear of being alone.

There have been many moments of feeling of great vulnerability too.  They just come, and am getting used to finding different ways to overcome and step out of the pool.  The feeling of "yes, I am really really really  on my own Now."  

It's about losing that `fall-back-plan'.  You know that feeling of "Oh I have to tell him this, at least I'll know what he thinks of this.", and "It's ok, am going to get him to help me with this.", or "Well no worries, he'll fix this when he comes back later." , "..what a mean experience, but I can coo in his arms later and he will make everything better..", the list goes on.

Then I think about other people, ok, am really ok I think.  There are people, ok, some women who will not survive say, picking up the pieces and get on having an independent life.

So compare to that, am really ok.  Just those spurts of moments of vulnerability.  

I also realise that what I saw in my head, that vision I saw last year, a day before his funeral.  There was an exact moment in time when I decided that the singing will continue and that I would take it to a level that surpass what I am before.  

A year later I feel that I have gone to a different level with my singing and that what I saw in my head has happened.  This is as close as to case of what people say, your will will make things happen, make a wish and it may just happen.