general insecurities n such

The dinner-photo party at CM's was a blast. My salad was a hit (to me).

We had conversations on religion, musicianship, music cultures, academic issues, college degrees, language barrier...I was alive and kicking the sugar in my head.

But it's moments like coming to office early in the morning, doing my regular browsing of others' blogs, reading women magazines, about YOUNG women (late twenties and above) who are single and living it out that suddenly make me stop in my track, and my heart string pulls a little.

I realise don't want to be alone.

I've never spent so much time thinking about my market value, as an employee, as well as a woman with clocks (biological, mental...etc) ticking.

It's scary la.

It is moments like this I feel that I could hear the tiny cracks in self-esteem. I'm 27, employed, outgoing and intelligent, sometimes confused, no college degree, I think I'm attractive, not very enterprising, selective-self-starter, haven't dated another man other my ex for more than two years, haven't been in the social (networking, NOT hanging out with close friends) scenes for ages.

I wonder how long would I last, as...I don't know how to describe it but I hope you get the drift. No? Then read on.

I think I just worry too much but somehow this society I'm in makes me feel that my worries are valid. Every few months this thought will come haunt me: how much longer can stay in a position (working) like mine? How would I move up the social ladder (think financial ladder, more like) in years to come if my capabilities stay stagnant? How far would this kind of `working experience' take me as I age? Soon I will be what some people call `over-the-hill' and I still don't have a degree, by then everyone would have at least one crappy something degree...

We see discrimination in the work place everyday. A single-middle-age-degree-less-female just doesn't seem like a hot cake to anyone. I'm talking in my sector's context -- bloody corporate.

Thinking objectively, I think I have a few options for action:

I have to stop obsessing over this degree thing...I should analyse how essential is a degree/paper qualification in work

I have to get out of this industry. Yes, I have to start doing what I do better and get paid for it....but for a start I have to manage with a pay-cut, can I manage a huge pay cut?

And that's just the insecurity about money.

Damn. You see I don't feel like this about myself everyday. I consider myself quite a confident person but I wonder if my confidence is REAL, solid. Maybe I'm a confident social person but I know my insecurities well.

This is just a rambling of thoughts and stuff...it's useless if all I do is talk about it. I better start doing something about it. I don't know what yet.

I see how I have digressed, from `I don't want to be alone' to 'I don't have a degree'. But won't you agree with me that it's all inter-related. For most of us, our jobs (yes, the one that pays your rent) say something about us and most of us take it seriously because of the money factor. We need to be recognized for our achievements at work to feel confident in the social platform...like it or not, we are judged by friends, family, and others on how well we do at work, even though work is only PART of your life. If work is all you are, then you have not lived at all.

Oh ya, I think it takes a lot of gut (and ego, and silliness) to talk about yourself like this on the internet. I don't what's got into me.