Letter one hundred and nine - Day four hundred and seventeen of your vacation

Dearest J,

I think I am doing something right about some of my fears, one of the most pressing one is to face my fear of music theory.

It reminds me of how it's like for me in swimming.  I have a fear for not being to touch the ground beneath my feet in water.  I can swim badly, but I cannot float.  The fear for drowning looms over my head whenever am anywhere near deep water.

As I left the keyboard you bought for me the other day, another miserable failed attempt to play the melody line on a lead sheet - I told myself there was more than just incompetence in that attempt, there was also an emotional fear/phobia lying in there.  50% of the time I tried recognizing the notes on the sheets, 30% of the time (without realizing it at first) I spent telling myself this music is hard, 20% or more was sheer frustration...ok, I think I should credit myself that I sat there for more than 15 minutes, trying.

For the first time I asked myself, if I could understand how this fear and phobia works - maybe I can take it away more efficiently?  There have been enough number of reliable sources telling me that it isn't rocket science, and that many people did learn how to play and read after just weeks of learning.  Well, Saidah even told me that she witness someone learned it after three lessons with Michael Veerapan.

But anyway, maybe I will find a few minutes later today to read up on phobia and such...after I have lunch at your house with Mama.

I have made appointment with Cher Siang for a class tomorrow at 3pm.  He will teach me how to practice, he will teach me all I need to know to remove myself from my illiteracy in music, provided that I co-operate and work hard.

Thought you might like to know that I am doing something about it.  I never forget that you had wanted me to be able to read music, and play some piano.

I miss you very much, not all the time, just when the thought of you comes round...whenever.

Lots of love,

B