Runs on food and music, will sing for chips and pasta.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Letter ninety-five- Day two hundred and five of your vacation

Dearest J,

205 days.  I held your dri-fit pants to my heart last night and it was like holding you again, I felt no pain but the warmth of memories of you.

Some nights I lied in my huge bed in the Ubud hotel missing you badly.  There were lots of fear about what lies ahead for me, all alone.  I wait it out, there will be things to come along and take my worries away.

The getaway was fantastic.  I enjoy travelling alone more than I had expected, it's like, travelling without planning.  I make a turn when I want, I skip lunch when I want to, I stop and buy too much clothes if I want to, I swim in the rain when I want to.  I walked slowly, I ate in the market with the locals, I talked to the hawkers, I learned everyone's names, and they asked for mine.  I skipped most touristy outings, except one - I went out cycling in the village with 11 other tourists and one bubbly tour guide named Rinx.

Went to dinner on Jalan Raya and listened to jazz.  Attended a book talk by Tony Maniaty on a Literature Night at this place called Bar Luna.  Made friends with `expat-locals', Trevor who is English and `Cute-Ear' who is American, who reminds me a lot of Antares.  There was Ana who is French and used to design clothing, I wish I gave her my card to stay in touch.

Of course then there were the numerous Ketuts and Wayans whom I met on daily basis.  Such gentle people.  I felt very safe going around alone throughout the trip.  The street animals were lovely.  I kept going round trying to feed them because there are some very bony ones.

Show you a few shots of what I took here...

this is a fat one :) on Jalan Hanuman


a skinny one I met on Jalan Gootama.  I ordered some rice to be prepared for this fella at a newly opened cafe (My Warung) and this little fella ate up all the chicken bits in seconds...



a pretty one, on Jalan Monkey Forest, saw her on my first night there.


a special one, on Jalan Monkey Forest.  Saw him/her on my first night out too.  I bought a small tuna bun from a shop and gave it to her/him on the pavement, it ate it without getting out of this position.

Took mom to your house again today, needed to pass some zippers to Mama for her homemade bags.  My mom squatted in the living room and looked through the photo albums of you.  I showed her the photos of your bike trip to Loas because she asked to see them.  She also commented that you looked like you had heaps of fun during one of your company retreats.  "Destiny's in our own hands."  She said, not sure what prompted it.  I guess she meant we are all responsible for our own happiness...

Am 34 now.  I surrounded myself with friends on my birthday, I know they had wanted me to be reminded that I have a lot of love around me.  I cannot help still, to still feel incredibly alone without you.   When I don't think about it then it feels better.  But anyway, today, with my mom next to me in my car - I had a thought: am 34 now, soon 35 comes...I have to make this year a very good one.  I have even more to achieve without you in tow, I can only try to make up the absence of you here, with things to do.

It's just going to be a fabulous year.  Will live for the two of us.

Alison Murugesu-Ghani sent me this lovely poem...



Poem sent by Enid Martinez, read at Ghani's Memorial on 22 Apr 2011


You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.



love you lots,

B

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