Letter number one hundred and thirty-seven: what should us going?

Dearest J, 

Since the last letter in October! I feel compelled to leave a note here this night, though it is really morning, soon to be 2am. 

 I have a book on death by Sallie Tisdale that I have started to read and her writing is so captivating, her stories so insightful and heartfelt. 

 Just watched Terry Prachett's documentary on assisted death in Switzerland. My whole mind and body convulted in uncontrollable pain and sadness during the documentary, and after. As I watch myself heaving and breathing with great effort in the mirror - after having washed off the snort and tears on my face, I indulge in the quietness and the realness of my emotions, in that moment. When I tore myself away from the mirror after stared at my emotions for a few minutes, I walked over to the bed and sat; wanting to remember how easy it used to be, to talk sense into myself about...the simplicity of this life, with 'purpose'. 

The story you told me of Vanitha, your friend, whose goal in her life at one point (I've not been in touch with her)was to get really good and to attend tournaments of chess, or was it Scrabble...she and her day job, and the rest of her time was devoted to being good at her game. Seems like a grounded and healthy life is one with goals. You told me your goal, your role was to help me, make sure that I get to sing, and keep singing. 

I want to hold on to this memory and the legacy of what a good life - know what I'm here to do and just focus on doing it well. So I don't drift away, lost in an ocean of fear and confusion. What are my fears? Or confusion? I don't yet have the eloquence or focus to begin to describe them. I'm aware I blow things out of proportion and dwell, or wallow in them. 

I will make a REAL list of the things I want and let that be my navigator. 

1) Live - shows & singing 

2) Room for people to exist on my calendar - people I care about. 

3) 

...to continue again when my mind is clearer and at peace. 

Miss you much, xoxo 

B