Runs on food and music, will sing for chips and pasta.

Tuesday, July 09, 2013

"How are you" means "I care for you"

I love conversations.  Private conversations, the kind for two people, the cyber kind.  Because I think and `speak' a lot better when I write.

I realised I don't do very well expressing my thoughts in a cohesive fashion...in a face to face conversation.  Maybe this is the side effect of all the talking to myself inside my head.

Was talking to WN (over g-talk) about replying to a simple question "How are you?"  This question takes on a different tone and color for those of us who are going through, or having gone through a critical time in our lives.

"When everyone ask me 'how are you', sometimes I don't know how to answer - because the truth is, I don't know."

I don't remember talking much with anyone else about this dilemma. I was in the her same shoe not too long ago so I could totally relate to this.  And I just had a thought while we were at the topic.

I think most of the times when our friends ask us "How are you?", especially during our difficult times, they really just mean to tell us - "Hey I care for you, and I want you to know that and I hope you are doing ok."

But the popular and the conventional way to say this is to ask "How are you?" - yes?

So am thinking, maybe instead of asking someone "How are you?", knowing that someone just lost someone close, or just went through hell with someone, a relationship, or some big shit in life...we could perhaps show our care in a non-questioning style?

Maybe skip the "How are you?" completely" and show our

"Am here for you mate",
"I care for you, I want you to feel better soon",

some other verbal way or even non-verbal ways?  A hug, squeeze shoulder, a back-pat, a loving look, etc.

Because to answer a question like "How are you?" after I started picking my life back together back in 2010 was no easy task.

To answer "Am ok, fine, thank you." was not really a truthful answer, that's more like lying.

To say "Am really upset and devastated." would be uncomfortable for our friends, we don't want to make them uneasy, it's bad enough they have to deal with our losses.

To answer, "Actually to tell you the truth - I don't really know, am trying to cope, am coping, I am doing what I can now to live...but am not sure, it's all very new to me, am just staying alive.  Am hoping I'd feel better soon ok?   I don't know when that would be, maybe next week, or next month, next year, maybe never but don't worry, I know you mean well and I appreciate you for that..." would be closer to reality.

Too long and complicated to answer to a `simple' question like "How are you?".

We know that non-verbal language is more powerful than the one with words.  Sometimes a look, a hug, an offer of a cake beat asking that question.

That's why I prefer to talk to friends over cyber chats, where both of us could go about our things while we chat, exchange thoughts, and have a longer, more intimate, rid of noise, more elaborate and more well-considered conversation.    

Emails are also very nice.

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