Letter one hundred and twenty-three - The days go on
I don't feel very strong lately. Maybe to some, it seems that I have just been putting on a front of a lady who struts and lives, all pains under the carpet. It wasn't my intention of hiding the pain, just that, I feel there is a time and place for everything, and I have not learned how to share my pain with others. Remember you were like that too..? That special moment when we watched La Vita e Bella together at your house...we shared many pains and joy together.
Am walking on the line of between feeling driven to feeling confused. Am drifting from week to week with a mixed bag of emotions.
I guess the moment I have decided to pick up the pieces of my life together since you left, I have entered the church of work. Work has become the sole religion I hang on for dear life. Music work is most trusting and always objective, I find that I seek helplessly from it, I seek approval, solace, refuge, joy...
When I was wondering and feeling confused, I didn't feel like seeing Mama at all. I delayed many visits to be with myself, hoping to come to some better conclusion of emotions. So to still make my presence in your house, I would ring her some time to talk to her, and to let her talk to me for a few moments.
We have learned that by focusing on others, other than ourselves, we could feel better. Diving head in into work has been a healthy distraction for me...it fills the void.
Time has not brought any cures for the lonely heart missing you, time only make new routines set in, and make things different, the heart does not get less lonely. As the calendar brings me further and further into the future, I find myself more and more set in my convenient ways of living alone.
I find myself looking for things to do that have less to do with personal emotions. I work with musicians a lot and we get projects going but we are mostly focused on feelings and things are not so private. I signed up for new classes and courses to attend, alone. I learn new things by myself, it's all within my control, it's easy. I volunteer for community work, it's hardly personal, it's easy.
Bumped into lovely Angela Hijas on Saturday in the mall, spent a few minutes talking to her. She said single-hood could be a trap, I agree...things are less complicated and convenient, I decide all the time, only one person's demand and request to meet. Dating is noisy, and messy. I left the heaven when you went away and am starting to feel that it's easier to just remain here alone, just making a new heaven for work, smaller one without the messiness of a new human.
But the void stays, so the music stays, the work must stay.