of Covid-2020, families, and my year end trip to Penang

Happy new year again   One more quiet day with London weather outside, before it turns Monday in the 2021 with the world out there grappling to carry on with the torch of surviving the pandemic in the new year.  So here is a bit of self-reflection and some heartfelt gratitude for my last music outing in 2020 up in Penang.

If I have to sum up my year of music-making (and staying sane) in the year of “Covid-2020” with one word, the word would be ‘Family’. Family of the ‘organic kind’, and family of the chosen kind.

The family that I have found in my music community has given me the healing and sanctuary that was much needed in my melancholic and depressive months of mounting stress from all directions, over-thinking and miserable health. 

 

The family that I was born into, gave me an opportunity to discover the importance of music in everyday family time – I’m finally singing and dancing with my folks.  And to be able to witness the joy that music brings in my family, is a reward beyond description. 

 

In the last few months of 2020, I had the chance to make a handful of duo shows with Tay Cher Siang, my music director and pianist (amongst a few live-band shows with WVC Jazz).  The kind of piano and voice gigs that, to me, were much more than entertaining a small room of audience with great music and singing.  I took to them with my usual borderline nerve-wrecking anxiety (but always end up winning myself an invaluable experience of living), but this time I have walked away with more than I have bargained for.   

 

I don’t think I have the words or the right description of what I have experience yet.  But some of the emotions I had from those outings were humility, gratifying and motivating.  In a way, those outings lend me a closer, deeper look, into myself, to discover what kind of human I am, in various situations.  

 

I told my Penang host and friend, Gareth, that I feel like I have been through the kind of training in past few shows that will prepare me for all the future shows that I will face one day; throw me in any kind of live circumstance or stage – I would have the right attitude to step up to it.

 

Over three nights between December 26 to 28 at Hikayat, a small movie screening room on top of a bookshop called Gerakbudaya in Georgetown, Cher Siang and I played to three unique audiences of both strangers and familiar faces.   All of them different but all attentive and appreciative.  

Over five nights of sleeping at Gareth’s Mango Tree Place, a house built in 1934. I had the chance to roll and laze in gorgeous sheets while I read books; or sit by the window and read in the sun. I engaged in nightly conversations with the writer and hustler himself, before we turn in.  In the mornings we listened to classical music in the living room downstairs.  

 

And then there were the outings with heavenly Char Koay Teow at Fok Kee restaurant.  I went for a hike near Penang Hill with writer Marco, Masako and Cher Siang.  I met with a local act Buddha Beat and jammed at their studio The Sound Maker, thanks to Marco’s introduction.  We managed to slot in a brief and chirpy visit to the spanking new and beautiful Wild Flower’s Music Shop, to listen to Coltrane on speakers and shopped some CDs.  There was a beautiful and serene high tea at Suffolk House with my BFF See Ming and small entourage of friends.  And I got to watch two amazing films, Billie (a documentary on Billie Holiday) and The Invisible Man.  Not forgetting the multiple hangout at the bookshop café with late night drinks. 

 

I came home with bag full of books, memories of good company, music-making, conversations and a happy tummy filled with Penang food.  I will make my new year one that is spirited and hopeful.  Thank you, Families,! 

 

#janetleemusic #janetwrites #janetleeinPenang #lifeisacabaretagain #taychersiang #Penang #gerakbudaya #hikayat #showgirldiary #travelingminstrels #covid2020 #jazz #music 

Year 2020: Grief, Duty & Growth

Year 2020 is a year of grief, duty, and growth for me.  At the end of it, if I have the luxury to do absolutely what I want - I’d like to go somewhere for a month, being alone, to do nothing but read, cry my heart out, and read, repeat the cycle (and some water and food whenever I need). 

Grief.  Who isn’t grieving these days, I feel cheap just talking about it.  What’s new honey.  Everyone is going through it, all of us with different bags of grief, in all shapes and sizes.  Nonetheless, and therefore, I need to honor it - if I am to talk about what the year has been for me.  It has robbed me of inner peace, and joy; but it makes living so real, grounded, and precious.  Grief and depressiveness - they make you treasure your life more (at least that’s how it is for me) - every time I emerge from the low points of downs, I acknowledge all the blessings in my life.

Some of the subjects of my grief are not suitable for public consumption, some are. 

Can’t say if it’s because the figure of Justin is too large to be wrestled out of my focus or it’s just been the lack of focus in my life this year; or could it be that it’s the 10th year since he passed.  I don’t know. 

I think of him a lot this year.  The common sense method would point to the facts:  1) It’s COVID year, I’m left with no work so I have too much time to wallow in the memories of him 

2) It’s been a decade since he passed 

Whatever it is, this has been a hard year, living with myself, missing him.

Moving on.

Duty.  The duty of being a living, an able living daughter of my aging parents.  And as my own aging 43-year-human.  Learning the duty of being an adult offspring to my dementia mother and my frustrated father.  

Apart from performing the basics in duties as caretakers, alongside my siblings and friends, I’ve learned how to find the joy in making friends with my folks, and foster a healthier relationship with my duty, and with these two almost-strangers in my household.  I’ve discovered a sense of peace and joy in taking care of things (parents and their needs) that I’ve never experienced before.  It is a sense of service.  The reward I get for being of service to others, in this case, my very own family.

I give thanks to circumstances of year 2020, for granting this brand new experience and emotion to my human existence. 

Growth. Growth = maturity.  My default and most inner self is a clueless 8-year-old, who pretends to be a grownup everyday.  This year, with all the time away from being a show woman (although I did get to perform several times this year) and show producer, I was forced to face all the outstanding and imminent workplace issues that I have swept under the carpet of ‘we are too busy to deal with it’. 

Growth comes from doing the difficult, and the uncomfortable.  I literally had to grow up overnight, when faced with existing problems being spun out of control at the start of the year.  Through MCO and all the months followed, I had to learn how to pick up the pieces, and understand what taking control of my own life means.  Even up to this every point, I’m still learning.  But the past 11 months and more, I’ve had more practical (and impromptu) tests than ever.  

Having maturity means dealing with a problem face on, and talking about it calmly, objectively.  None of these I knew how to do before.  I’ve been blessed with an enormous community of angels (wise friends, real friends) who held my hand through my wading in the deep water.

This entry is just the main thrust of what the year has been.  Give myself a bit more time, I want to write about the things I am thankful for and a list of valuable life lessons  I’ve learned.  

More to come.  I write, therefore I am. 

Have a peaceful new year. I wish you lots of zen and joy.

Letters number one hundred and thirty-five: Ten years ago today

Dearest J, 

Before the day is out, to make a note, to make a scribble of something on the timeline, of another moment in time.

It has not been an easy day.  A day shrouded in pain in more ways than one.  

The pinched nerve on my upper back, persistent and stubborn.  The hangover migraine from last night's drinking on empty-stomach after my show with Cher Siang at The Curiosity.  Yet another episode of lip-swelling, felt like the worst of all cases so far.

And the pain of missing you.

It's starting to blur - the shape and touch of missing you - of what is it that I am missing.  

I gave myself a few moments of good crying today.  It's been a while since I just sit here and concentrate on missing you. 

The body is stinging from a fatigue of stress, overthinking, overdoing, inflammation, and all forms of personal hell.   Typing these out is a horrendous sight to my eyes but I want to document this.  This too shall pass. 

I guess the hollowing fact that this is ten-year mark of your departure is weighing down on me.  Painful as it is, I need to allow the emotion to pass through me.  The weight of sadness eats into my flesh, and the throbbing of my pinched nerve is a literal message of the pain.

Believe me, telling you all these is far from fun.  Like I said, I want to document this moment in my personal history.  

Could not bring myself to see anyone from your family today.  I stayed away.  Your mom told me there was going to be a picnic at the columbrian.  

I peeled myself from the bed at 920am to a breakfast at Wild Yeast Bakery, to meet with those who wanted to be with me this morning.  Went to bed past 3am, I was drunk beyond my realisation.  When I cannot recall how I got into bed then, I knew how bad it was last night.

I should continue another time.  I need to physically remove myself from this screen and attempt some form of rest - although resting can sometimes be a challenge, but try I must.

Today came and, going off.  I am tired, but keep living I will.

Just let me wallow a little today.  I promise I will get up and get going tomorrow....or when I am done resting just a little.

Yours, 

B 

Going Deep Into The Mental

A script for my Miss Cakap Banyak Diary @ Jan 28

Happy Chinese new year and happy holiday if you're still on holiday.

This is going to be a special episode of diary, I am going to talk about something a bit serious.  In fact, not only serious but it's borderline...disturbing.

But like many things, you need to disrupt, make a mess before some good can come.

Well in this case I hope I am heading to that direction of bringing better things to come.

I want to share with you today, and admit to myself today that I have issues.

What issues?

The thing is, I myself don't know the whole of it - I just know that deep inside me, buried under all my surface composure of being the energetic, talkative, friendly person that we see outside -- there are a bunch of stuff that are bubbling in deep water.

Sometimes this shit gets so hot it comes up to the surface and make an unpleasant mess and then goes away.  When it surfaces, it gets my attention for a bit, I'd self reflect and make a note of the problem.  Sometimes I keep a diary of the incident and my thoughts, sometimes I make a conversation with a friend on the matter and get an insight from another person's perspective - that always helps.

OK so you are watching and thinking, what the fuck is she on and on about?

Basically, in the wake of some recent and not so recent, but recent enough string of events of both, at professional and personal capacity where I was in the middle of unpleasant conflicts.  To be more specific, I would name myself the catalyst of the conflicts and disagreements.

Now isn't that a pretty way of saying that I have discovered what an asshole I have been.

(side effect of having started watching The Crown on Netflix, you get all proper with your English)

 But ya seriously, I have spent some time thinking and asking myself how and why did I end up here - a certified asshole.

The usual suspects came to mind - my ego and my insecurities getting out of balance.   Being able to pin point the source, the root of what cause my behaviour to get out of hand, is a good start - but just that alone won't solve the problem.

I look around at other areas of my life, and lifestyle where I feel much out of balance and not where I like it be - my incessant restlessness and the desire to control things, and people.  Much as I know I have improved ever so slightly in past years, it is still far from healthy.  I want to do better.

We are at most times, the cause of what happens to us.  Our beliefs turn into behaviour and our behaviour manifest into our reality.

I have problem letting things be, my mind is an overheated oven all the time.  When I fall sick I have a lot of difficulties resting and healing.

Someone whose sense I trust, told me yesterday - that she can see that I have a front, this thing that I do to control my own emotions.  Means my interaction with the outside world, is a controlled front that I have subconsciously created for myself and for others.

Basically this means, I have received signs and warnings from a series of incidents that are calling for me to pay attention, pay a lot more attention to my mind.

Honestly it feels a bit scary because I am already a walking overheated overthinking machine, now I have to THINK MORE?

No, I now have to LEARN how to THINK the right things, for better mental health.

I want to get to the inside of my mental, and find the root of my deep issues - the real source of my deep set restlessness, my obsession with being in control of everything, my disability to let things be, let it flow.

So, laying the headline of the problem is a start.  I don't quite know what I will do next.  I have some ideas and I am nervous.  I want to learn mediation, I want to make time for a silent retreat this year - I hope soon.

Thank you for listening and watching.  If you have thoughts about whatever I just share - anything at all.  You can write to me, comment, private message.

I wish you peace and joy.

The floor beneath my ass

FB post @ Jan 24

I sat on the cement floor in the first bedroom to cool down. This was my bedroom for all of my high school years in Taiping, all to myself after my sister left home to work in the city. In this humble single story house in Taman Air Kuning, only one room in the entire house was tiled - the living room. My dad is not a fancy nor a fussy guy. Even back then, in my clueless tender age, I knew this was not the best looking flooring. But I never minded it, we didn’t have no air-con through all the years - this cool cement floor has accompanied and provided me a cooling place to read on hot days. 

I have vivid memories of my idyllic school holiday afternoons and where I spent countless hours on this less than attractive bedroom floor, reading many copies of old Readers’ Digest, and other books. With curtains drawn and the floor fan, I could lie here for hours without leaving the room; traveling to faraway places in the pages I feast my eyes on. Those innocent years, stresses of life were of a different kind. Never will I be that again. 

On this very floor was the first time ever I place a pair of earphones in my ears, listening to my sister’s copy of Natalie Cole’s Unforgettable album. 

Today, after an hour or two of air-con in the living room (my dad installed two units of AC in this house two years ago) watching Netflix on my phone, I took a shower and returned to my old room and decided to read a bit. I sat on this floor again to cool down, with a novel...and got transported back in time to my childhood. But this girl who enjoys reading on the cool floor is now much older and her soul bartered with less innocent stresses of life. 

We don’t know for how long more we will keep this old little house here. Now there’s talks of moving the old folks to the city where my sister and I live. But before any of the major changes to come into form, it’s lovely to be cooling my hot ass on this ugly but adorable floor, reading a book.

Letters number one hundred and thirty-three: The days go on

Dearest J,

I was at an event yesterday, scheduled to sing at a WWF project launch...when in the holding room, I met someone we used to know (I've forgotten that this person knew you even), Dr Ong Kian Ming.  He is now a politician and member of parliament with DAP and Pakatan Harapan.  While in mid conversation about the new government, he paused to ask me about you.  "I wanted to ask you if you know what happened to that friend of yours, that guy who used to do the Food Not Bombs work with you.  Where is he now?  Still in the country, etc?"

It was...an interesting experience - to tell an old friend...(ok, perhaps more appropriate to call Kian Ming an acquaintance) who knew nothing about us, what happened to you.  I just realised now that I told him nothing else yesterday - other than the fact that you had a fatal motorbike accident...and that you had attempted a few times, some rehab work with a few addicts we met at Food Not Bombs.

Guess I was caught off guard, and I wasn't sure what else to share with him.  Anyway, Kian Ming gave a wonderful speech at the launch.  It was a collaboration project, [Wedding Without Fins], between WWF and Association of Wedding Professionals.

I am getting more and more used to the fact that I can tell that I am forgetting more things about you.  There are days when I think of something about us and wanted to dig up a piece of information and I just cannot recall... like now, I cannot remember what I couldn't recall about you, the other day.

This getting used to is not a great feeling, it's a bit of a pain - the kind you can't do anything about and you are too sad to want to linger any longer at it.  So I would scurry off, mentally...to busy myself with other things or thoughts.

=====

I was hanging out the laundry just now when I had this thought:

'A dream come true', on papers and in writing in a sentence, looks like a fantastical thing that happens to someone.  I realise in my life, I have had a few dreams came true and in real life, the actual experience of the 'dream come true' is nothing like how it sounds like when you put it in a sentence like that.

Here I was doing the laundry, and in less than a week I would be on stage, playing and singing a role in an opera.  This is a dream coming true for me.  A year ago I wouldn't dream of doing what I am doing now - not the doing the laundry at home bit - to play a principle role in an opera.

Living out a dream in real life has an almost sloth-like sequence and quality to it - the millions of seconds of doing a million of different tasks that may eventually lead up to the moment when you pause and gasp, "Wow, I think my dream just came true."

Take this opera singer dream thing for example, the first second of the millions that took place was when I decided to accept the invitation to audition for the role.

What happened after that were hundreds of boring, some scary, some frustrating, many thrilling, nauseating moments - printing out the audition scores, making appointments with pianist to work on the music, meet the pianist, record the music I need to learn and memorise, getting distracted while trying to learn the music, realising the music is hard, fearing the music, getting over the fear and frustration, getting the music, enjoying the lines finally, memorising the lyrics, forgetting the melodies, remembering it, attending vocal lessons for the song, being nervous about the audition, paying the pianist, trying to stay warmed up before the audition, singing at audition, enjoying the passages, feeling awkward at some points, feeling shitty about certain high notes, feeling relieved that it was over, leaving the audition behind with other distractions and not giving much damn about getting the role or not, feeling proud of myself for auditioning, feeling proud of myself for having learned a difficult piece of music...

You get the drift - I am narrating the millions of tasks and emotions that lead up to my laundry moment of realising - this is a dream coming true - next week.

The offer came a few weeks after the audition, accompanied by the reminders from the vocal coach that the gig does not pay much.  The next defining moment was when I did nothing to turn down the offer - thus accepting it - knowing the money is little, the work would be tough, I would be stressed amongst other things.  But clearly the pros make up for all the difficulties.  Despite the stress, and my very noisy and busy inner chatter about what could go wrong in my performance - I am pinching myself everyday and saying thanks to the universe for this gig.

I'd go through moments of wondrous gratitude in the most mundane times of the day, sitting in a traffic jam, getting dressed to appointments/rehearsals.  It moves me to no end that in the height of my weariness about my quiet and down times in the booking calendar, I am living in full sobriety and being aware of the gifts I have in this life, at this moment.

I have music, I perform music, I have a roof over my head, a car that takes me to and fro rehearsals and home, I have food on the table and in my fridge (cabinets, drawers...).  I have more than just music in my life, I am such a privileged being to perform beautiful musical works, and much more than that - I have my endless fascination and admiration for these exquisite things of life.

Anyway back to the 'dream come true' - dream-come-true is made up of a millions of mundane-scary-stressful-frustrating beautiful things.

I want to make a diary or a list of my past "Dreams Came True".  But now I best whip some dinner and prepare to go to the sitzprobe rehearsal for the opera.

Hansel & Gretel, next week :)



Love, Always,

B

Letters number one hundred and thirty-two: The days go on

Dearest J, 

Sometimes I wonder if you're still around - would you love this person that I am now, this 2017 version of the woman you were in love with.  I know I'll get nowhere with that thought...just a silly wander and wonder of the mind, like when I wash dishes after a meal at home.  

I cook for myself so much nowadays, and loving the taste of it so much that I could barely stand eating out at sub-standard restaurant/mall eateries.  Sometimes I get a little embarrassed with myself, how much I enjoy cooking for myself...not that I hate sharing my cooking with others.  I wonder if it is a case of being conceited?  That I love to cook for just one.

Rationally, I'd say it is just one of the manifestation of me enjoying my own company.   I do think of friends and people when I eat alone, so and so would love this dish, etc.  I've shared my cooking numerous times with friends, they enjoy it.

Quite sure you would approve of the cooking if you were here to taste it :) You always liked those pasta thingy I made, those rare occasions when I did make them.

Lost my voice last weekend, at a gig.  It was horrifying but I think I came out of it pretty well on the show, I have proof --> audience came up to me to ask to buy my albums, and many more wanted to have photo taken with me and said how much they enjoyed my performance. 

Saw ENT twice in one week, got prescribed steroid, antibiotic and bunch of other medicine.  Recovery is apparent, but too slow to do another show now.  I had to cancel two gigs this week.  Spent the week excelling at writing apologies to clients, and had bouts of disaster recovery training on the go.  I am giving myself an award for Best Performance in Disaster Recovery, or was it Disaster Management?

Had a lot of time at hand, thinking - besides cooking, going to doctors, napping, popping bills, chores, looking for replacement singers and firing orders.  

Thinking, why had I worked so hard and done so little travelling for myself?  

Thinking how I could work on a paradigm shift so I could focus - and be less kiasu - on experiencing more...the world, outside of the work.  

The notion is to work and achieve as much as I can now, while I still have the fire in me.  I think the fire is strong still, and thinking about performing always excite me...except now my body is slowing down.   The days after the Kuching-Singapore "tour" I dazed through my classes, rehearsals and appointments, sleepy at most hours of the day.  Sore throat started as early as Sunday itself after I touched down from Singapore...really didn't see it coming, of how that would eventually escalate to losing voice a week later.  

I haven't cancelled on any clients or shows since 2008.  I remember that time when I lost my voice completely for weeks and sometimes you'd come over with home cooked from Mama :) It was also October then...it was super stressful then, cancelling 3 shows and dealing with different levels of wrath and scorn from clients and agents.   I think this time round things were more calmly managed, though the emotions are the same - poignant, regrets and upset. 

The bright side of things...there are always positive that come out of bad things that happen; the good things that came off this are: 

1) Realising how much I have established (unknowingly to myself) in my stage profile that clients really see me apart from others.  What I have been delivering and building, is indeed in a class of its own -- despite all the shortcomings I've encountered and nitpicked my performance.  

(It's hard to find replacements for the jobs that I was supposed to deliver, it was hard to convince clients to work with the alternatives)

2) A quiet time to reflect on my future perspectives and some past ones.  The all important question: What and who am I living for? 

3) I could pack leisurely at home for the NZ trip coming up in 3 days!

So, I want to start doing something about the wanderlust - travel more.  Not just in the frame of mind to 'take more holidays', but to travel more, see more.  

The papers for the condo transfer to 100% my name is almost done...after 7 long years with the laywer...high court, land office, etc etc.  I am down to my bits of paying back Alex for the bank loan that he paid for Viva.  

I've worked hard to accumulate cash in my bank the past 7 years, but I think I have spent quite fiercely too...I could be a little more stingy but it wouldn't be me.  What is money for if you don't spend it?  I hope you look out for me when I am out and about on my own, learning to move around the world, little by little, on my own.

Miss you lots, 

B

Letters number one hundred and thirty-one: The days go on

Dearest J,

It's been too long.  Since my last letter here.  More than a year.

I took my parents on a beach holiday last week, with the great help of my sister in hand.  I don't know if I have ever told you, but I grew up at home never knowing what a family holiday was like - we never had any.   It didn't seem like I missed anything - I mean, you don't miss something that you didn't know anything about, right.

It dawned on me that I'd better take mom to the beach while she is still reasonably fit enough to move about.  So I went through the trouble of planning it.  I'm not one who does many things for my family, but I knew I had to do this.

Well, it was worth all the trouble.  In fact, halfway through booking all the logistics for the trip I even manage to start getting excited about the trip for myself.  Mom was really really thrilled with the experiences - she said it many times over that her wish really came true: the beach dream.  Nervous and frightful as she was, she survived it: getting in and out of boats, putting on life jackets, the boat rides, learning how to walk on soft sandy beach (both dad and mom were unstable walking on soft sand, at first), walking to and fro from rooms to meals, getting in and out of buggy rides, etc.   She took it all in, the things she was wishing for: walks on the fine sand next to the sea, playing with sea water, dipping her ankles in the water, posing for photos, sunset sightings...etc.

We actually really hung out, as a family.  For once, we just sat around and chatted, and ate without rushing off anywhere for the next appointment.  4 days 3 nights.

Dad is 76 now, mom is 71.  She told me she was never given that beach holiday since married dad.  I mean, I know them well in the sense that they have not had the chance to 'learn' to 'enjoy life' as how I know.  There are too many things that are too late for them to pick up at their age, with their background.   As limited options I have to 'make them happy', I just had to try to service their wishes.  I am glad we took the trip to Redang.  I booked a really nice resort for us, everyone was happy with the space.  It was sister's first holiday away from her kids and hubby, my first with my family, mom's first beach holiday...dad's first too.  All of our firsts.

I try to cook for them at home as much as I could, showing mom new recipes of simple and delicious dishes like pasta options.  My impatience with them remains, I still can't wait to get back to my own routines of life, and having the pad to myself.  I've learned to control it better, my mind seems to get into this "service-mode".  I want to do the best I can (given my limited patience) to provide my care and services as a daughter to mom and dad.  I cannot yet see how our future will pan out, their wealth conditions and the way they live out in Taiping stress me a bit but I am determined not to let that ruin my days.

I'm 40 now.  I don't know how to describe this but it seems, I feel that I've never really grown up - inside me everyday I have many moments of surrealism....the memories of that really young, insecure, feels ugly, un-clever girl - she lives in me still, everyday I see her - even as I am doing big, clever things like taking care of business, making things happen.  I am 40 but I feel like a 8-year-old who has grown used to getting round to do things she's never thought she would one day could.

Can't put my finger on this feeling - what you call this...

I've recently - just a couple of days ago - got re-aquainted with my old diary, the 1996 one.  I was 19, left Taiping to live in the city with sister for the first time.  The city, the new home, new life - it was also my sister's big new life that year: marriage, first born, a new house, a husband...she was only 24.

There were so many entries that shocked me, for I couldn't remember the things that happened.  I stayed shocked and feeling messed up for two days.  My thoughts when I first read the diary: maybe I am really messed up as a person, and maybe I don't know how I got here but maybe the past had something to do with it.

I feel much better now though.  So many things happened this year.  I managed to cough up my second album, Cinnabar Rouge; managed to produce and stage another concert...it was bigger and grander - I went through hell with all the work (stress, as the leading lady and as the producer).  It was a challenge to find a moment to feel proud with the work/achievements of this team - of Janet Lee.

Really, I cannot complain.  I wanted to do all that: another concert, to dance, to entertain and to work with the people, the music - to give a good show.  I guess I just wanted a shoulder to lean on.  I cannot even imagine how it would be like if you were still around.

Post concert - post album launch depression came.  Things are different this time round, times are harder, ticket sale took a while.  I had 80% attendance.  Album sale is slow now, I work from day to day to figure out what is next step to sell the next album.  I paid off everyone, having savings helped. The low-down isn't in the fact that I dig out savings to pay for things - it is in feeling inadequate to market this piece of work better, the fact that I am not getting as much attention from people as before - it is just my feeling.

I understand, as my work matures and the higher I climb - the higher the expectations and the bigger base I need.  Yet I haven't a bigger base - fan base hasn't grown big enough, I still work alone...

And I am just tired, and lonely.

Strangely though, after I was done making a check list of all the downs and feeling bad about feeling bad - I have a surreal sense of excitement.  I wonder where all these emotions are taking me next.

While I am sorting things out - or waiting it out - or just floating along - I am hooked on Alain de Botton's work.  I got addicted to watching his The School of Life videos and his talks on YouTube every night/day.  His teachings on pessimism calms me.

And back to basic - I am allowing music work to excite me and to ground me once again.  Forget the shits of life for a moment, I shall face the music and let myself get whirled into its magic once again.

I am inherently grateful to be alive.  I think of your kindness.

The pad is quiet again, it's back to just me here.  I love it here.


Love you much,

B

The Never-ending Days of Dying

The days when you don't know where sadness begins and ends,
The air holds still and heavy...
You don't know where fatigue starts and where sleepiness ends,
where hunger and anger meets;
You lie there,
wide-eyed and gasping silently,
watching:
how emptiness of the heart slowly but surely eating away the heartbeat.
The rhythm of the heartbeat slows and quickens, irregular and panicky.
Cold sweat gathers in the heat of the balmy hours.
Your palms sticky with weariness,
the running tap wouldn't and couldn't wash it away.
You can't wash yourself away.
Or wish your existence away.
No.
No.
No.
You just lie there,
wide-eyed and suffer in silence.
It's 3am.

Letters number one hundred and thirty: The days go on

Dearest J,

I don't know if you have ever stopped in your track, and think...everyday, at every juncture of predicament and challenge in your way - you are learning how to live.

Does it ever get tiring, I am refraining from asking you questions because I know I have to answer everything myself.  The answers come much later down the road.  They will come.

The way I see my life now is in two parts, the one with you in it and the one AFTER you.  Honestly, in the most ironic, perhaps morbid and unromantic way - I feel like I've only start to 'live' this life after you left.  It feels like the life with you before was my university years, preparing me for the real thing after you go.  After you let go of your firm and reassuring grip on me.

Off I go.  It still feels like sometimes such a tiresome chore to be treading this road of life.  At most times I look around and see so much to be thankful for - even without anyone to hold on to.  Isn't it so true, that we come into this world alone and we go alone.  With families and closest of friends, we are always, all the time alone, inside ourselves.

Here I am J, coming to my second album soon; surviving the big unknown again.  Still feeling almost lost in looking for my voice, still looking, at my 11th year of working in music; still looking for myself at my 39th year of being alive.  And oh, learning in giving my body and my mind to the pleasure of the flesh a second chance, learning from scratch in becoming a woman again.  Learning new tricks to pick myself up each time I fall prey to fear and doubts, learning to listen to old advice like a trusted therapist.

And I do feel oh so lazy some days, a lot of days.  My laziness drive me to the kitchen, and proceed to intoxicate my mind with cooking...a pot of tea and some snacks and open pages in books, cleaning up the corners of the flat, dusting off books piled on the shelves, more eating and drinking tea in bed and sofa, more cooking...

And oh, I have finally caught up with you in the running/jogging.  I enjoy a run outside, whether alone or with friends.  The haze in the city has been bad each season and our clear sky days are quite numbered so that is quite an annoying deterrent for running outside.  I have learned how to do breast stroke proper, I enjoy swimming nowadays.  I have started a daily morning workout routine at home after I make my bed, this started after my birthday just more than a week ago.

Still lots to learn J. To stay constantly motivated to stay alive and be better in things.  I am slow but I never stop.

Feel good to talk to you.  Just needed to let this out so I can go on.


Much love, thinking of you,

B

The Dancer in me

I have always loved dancing, ever since I vaguely know what dancing is, or looks like - in my tender age of primary school going years; in my small hometown with a shrouded view of performance arts and entertainment.

For me then, to be able to move gracefully and skilfully is power, almost like a super power, or special talent.  In my little head, I think the people I saw on the TV screen strutting their stuff are attractive and powerful people who can get what they want in life - because they are such beautiful dancers.  I don't know how or where I got that idea from but it just happened.

After my sister left home to work in the city, I had our bedroom to myself.  In the middle of that small bedroom - was my dance floor.  That tiny patch of 5x4 feet was where I dance - or moved my body according to whatever little "received pronunciation" I had back then for dance.  I would dance to the music they played on Radio 4, or on my cassettes; seeing the image of a beautiful dance in my head.  Sometimes I watch the reflection of myself in the glass window, I could see it better in the evening when the lights are on in my room.

In high school I remember performing at our annual Girl Guides and Scouts concerts..or some other school outings, I especially remember rehearsing and working hard to dance to songs like Janet Jackson's Black Cat, Mariah Carey's Dream Lover, and something by Black Machine.  Haha..

It was really pure joy and fun to dance back then, when there was no one to examine us, compare us (and me), and correcting our moves.  I in fact cannot even remember who were the choreographers, must have been one of our schoolmates.  But I remember in my mind our choreography were sophisticated - for us teenagers from Chinese school in Taiping.

I guess if singing is the thing I do to define my vocation in life, then dancing would something I do to show the world the inner child in me, the person who loves to play.

Ironically, many years after I played hard in dancing to Janet Jackson's songs I came to understand how much training, discipline and handwork is needed to 'play' it well.  This understanding came after attending weekly dance classes for years, what I do for fun.

The one thing that I always feel a little embarrassed to admit is that I have more fun in dance classes than my singing classes (perhaps not being a professional dancer is one of the reasons).  Sure, I have my fair share of frustrations in dance classes too with catching up with choreography, with technique and all that but it doesn't come close to the amount of fun and joy I get in dancing in a class - it all makes up for it.

Then, about two to three years ago I started watching myself dancing in videos - be it in classes or rehearsal for love performances and musicals.  The sight of myself dancing was a gross monstrosity to my eyes because the captured performance is honest and transparent, all my flaws are pronounced. I was puzzled and spent a great deal of time trying to figure out why I look horrible on videos even if I felt great dancing a piece of music.  By that time my ability to remember and to learn choreography has improved a lot so it wasn't that I couldn't do it, I just look horrible doing it.  Ok, if not terribly horrible, I look weird, stiff, and not convincing.  Funnily, I didn't go to my dance teacher then to ask her why, I showed my friend my videos and asked her.  Callista is a part time Latin dancer and an old friend and she is generous with her knowledge and sharing.  She watched me dance and saw my videos and told me my upper back is crazy stiff. "All the movements that involve working your back, curling and such, you don't `finish' the moves properly - hence it looks not so nice."  Callista told me it is something I can work on to overcome.  "Ok, got it!"

And then I started noticing my bowleggedness. This 'cacatness' affect the aesthetics of my movement and postures in dancing.  This time round I take the case up with my dance teacher, my ballet teacher to be specific.  Miss Nell said, "Yes, you are bow-ledgged.  Don't worry, we can work on it and you will still look good IF YOU WORK HARD."

More than a year ago when I was planning my first solo concert I had the vision of me being in my finest physical form, singing and dancing - holding on own in doing both that I love.  When the script writing came for that concert it was decided that there would be no dancing, the decision suited the concept well.  We sold out on both nights of the concert, even though I didn't get to dance, haha.

Now just a year after that concert I am planning my next one and this time - having done the highly melancholic in the first - I can now safely depart from the sedated and bring out the bold, and the dance...hence:

Showgirl concert, March 2017.

I am challenging myself to overcome the stiff upper back, bowlegged, and everything else that have made me look less than good on the dance floor - to open and close the show next year with a performance that I will be proud of.  It's about a year from now, the game is on.   The work will be colossal, the pain unbearable (but good thing I like pain) and the hours plenty.  I am grateful to have my other old friend on board, Nell, who is fearless in the workplace.  Thank you for taking this up with me.  Let's dance.

1st anniversary of Restless Heart concert & album - Audience & Colleagues' feedback (March 2015)

Last year this date, March 13th, was an ordinary Friday for many but not for me.  Many people went out of their ways for months to make sure that on March 12th, Thursday, 2015 - Restless Heart CDs arrive at Dpac's theatre door, ready to be despatched and sold to our audience on the same evening, at Restless Heart concert - my first solo concert.  

The village came together for music and love, and the village has stuck together.  This year March 12th & 13th, I slept in on both days and relished in the memories of "Restless Madness" back then and laze in my comfy bed for now, gearing up for another exhilarating chapter ahead called the "second album and second concert".

I've compiled here all the audiences and colleagues' comments, responses, encouragements and kind thoughts that were known to me through their Facebook postings, messages and such.  Even though we didn't work on Restless Heart for these praises, they warm the cockles of our hearts and push our spirits to new heights and set me ready for the next milestone.  Thank you people.

Links:

The Star reportage by Seto Kit Yan
Review by Food For Soul, Rachel Khiew

Sandee Chew, March 15^th:

Some of the people it takes to do a solo concert & solo album.

O #RestlessHeart Janet Lee, I feel so priviledged to be able to experience even a smidgen of your growing artistry, wisdom & spirit. Who knew personal & sincere can also look & sound so sophisticatedly glamourous

Love the compilation of songs, all the original stuff & how you made old favs your own.

You continue to inspire me in so many ways. Not least of all how you truly and fully live by your deeply felt and honestly shared convictions. *tabik*

Char bo, looking forward to the rest of your journey.

.

People,

copy of the #RestlessHeart CD available through @souldoctorlee, or pop-by @tommyleebaker.

I've also officially become a fan of Tay Cher Siang (@nishysuperstar now ada competition in my heart) & WVC Band aka WVC+1. They got a concert at Pentas 1, #klpac on June 24-25, 2015!

Seriously humans, go check them out. Like seriously.

Ai Na Wee, March 14^th:

一场我看到用了很多的爱成就的演唱会。乐手们都爱她, 观众很爱她。全体的工作人员很爱她。他和她是相爱的。她用了她的歌声回馈大家对她的爱。我喜欢看这小妮子在台上的表演。即便她就是站着不动只张开双臂把歌唱好都那么吸引你的目光去注视她和她的演唱。这就是她的舞台魅力。这些年我看着她迅速地在舞台上成长, 那成长的速度是值得关注和兴奋的。不为什么,我想因为她是用心在唱歌。

我喜欢她的自荐:

I sing not because I'm happy,

I'm happy because I sing

抱歉我这组照片没拍得很多也没拍得好。因为我花时间在专心听她在为我们和自己唱歌。祝福你 #janetlee

I didn't manage to take lots of photos as I am busy watching and listening during the concert. I know her through her voice at most live performance when I attended one of my favourite jazz band WVC trio + one. I love to see her on stage. I often see team work and she somehow fill up the stage with her singing, her conversation with the audience and in this concert, her stories.

I enjoyed the concert very much as I can feel so much love in that theatre hall on the stage, among the audience. The musicians love her, the audiences love her, J and her love each other and she reciprocated by doing a fantastic job on stage for us and for her soulmate J. 
Glad to finally see her dream of releasing this solo album come true. GO GO GO my Janet and more to come...
I always love her slogan
"I sing not because I'm happy. I'm happy because I sing."
That's Janet Lee with her Restless Heart album
‪#‎janetlee‬ ‪#‎restlessheart‬

Kylie Sze Wei, March 14^th:

Janet Lee 1st Album "Restless Heart" finally finally finally launch.... Finally I can hear her voice now in car not only at the function! Congraz to Janet Lee ... Guys pls support this album... Is not only about the song in this album... Is a "heart"...

Joanne Aw, March 14^th:

Thank you @souldoctorlee for the stories told through your music

So beautiful, so passionate, so inspiring! —

Nicole Ann Thomas, March 14^th:

Yesterday I witnessed a dream come true. It was a dream come true for me too, lived and experienced by someone else. And this girl deserves every single dream of hers to come to life. Awesome night, awesome music, awesome person. Your Rider in the Wind will always be watching over you Janet Lee. And he is here, now, with you. I remember the early days when you were starting off in theatre and singing, when you used to come by bike, and I used to tell myself, these two are crazy. Thank you for being human. Thank you for being true. Stay crazy. And here's to more music and singing! Love and hugs always.

Alfred Loh, March 14^th:

Pick and identify the TRUE statement:

A. Janet Lee is a hustler

B. Janet Lee is a beautiful spirit

C. Janet Lee is a magnificent human being
D. All of the above

PC Foo, March 14^th:

Music in the soul can be heard by the universe." Very proud of you, my wonderfoo neighbour, Janet Lee

smile emoticon

Janet's album: [Restless Heart] is on sale now, go and grab it

Yudi Yap, March 14^th:

有一方梦土可以做主，是幸福的，尽管自掏腰包，代价不菲。

恭喜Janet演唱会成功，梦想专辑成真

Sherlyn Koh, March 14^th:

Proud of you my sister Janet Lee for your first up close and personal concert " Restless Heart". You are an inspirations, hard working and talented artist. We'll always here to support you. Congratulation to your new album, your dream finally come true! —

KJ Wong, March 14^th:

A restless heart,

beating with a passion unlike any other,

finds a place to be,

finds a voice to sing,

finds a reason to speak,
finds a purpose to live.

A dream,

fueled by a restless heart,

finds itself irrefutable.

Feeding on the pulses of passion and desire,

not the praises of hands and tongues,

it will not die till it finds rest,

seated among the realm of the living.

A joy,

to see a dream,

to see a restless heart

beat without hesitation,

without reservation.

To have lived beside it,

to have witnessed it live.

A life.

A whisper in the wind.

Fleeting, beautiful.

What is a life without a dream? If there was never a thing to strive for, never a passion to live for, never a community to love, never a joy to celebrate, never a sorrow to mourn, never a glory to witness, never a shame to bear; what would it all have been for?

To be a bearer of dreams, that is a beautiful privilege.

I, alongside my comrades whom I love, had the honor and privilege to bear the dream of one Janet Lee.

No bird flies without the wind beneath its wings. Though the wind may sometimes remain unseen, sometimes even unheard, it blows nonetheless, carrying forward those who would choose to ride upon it. All that is left is the image of majesty, soaring through the clouds.

It has been my utmost honor, one which I will forever remain thankful for, to have been called to carry a dream. It has been my joy to have been part of the responsibility for the image of majesty. It has been my pleasure to witness the heartbeats that have culminated in the Restless Heart. It has been my fulfillment to have served, to have been called to partake in the dream.

Cheers to you Janet.

..

..

And now, rest.

Horng Yih, March 14^th:

Restless Heart,

Rest less heart,

Less rest heart,

Less now,

Rest now,
Heart.

The cliche is to say "A Star Was Born", well this star was born a while ago.

Last night A Star Shone.”

Claire Rozells, March 14^th:

To a lady who shines.

I admire her spunk, her genuine love for love, her booming laughter, her generosity & that huge beautiful heart of hers.

A real go getter!! Whenever i get lazy or stuck in anything i do, i think of @souldoctorlee and how she presses on in life, ALWAYS up-ping her game, always being better than her yesterdays. You inspire me to be better. Thank you.

You are truly an amazing creature and i am sooooo proud of you; first, as a woman; second, as a vocalist... The success of your concert says it all ‪#‎restlessheart‬

‪#‎janetleesolodebut‬ ‪#‎janetleealbum‬

Your before made you today, and your today is gonna bring you to a beautiful tomorrow!! Congratulations my dear.

Don't stop inspiring.

Don't stop believing.

Don't ever stop laughing!!

You are a true warrior of life!! ‪#‎songbird‬ ‪#‎hardwork‬ ‪#‎dedication‬ ‪#‎abeauty‬ ‪#‎somuchsoul‬ ‪#‎simple‬ ‪#‎crazy‬ ‪#‎arealwoman‬ ‪#‎funny‬ ‪#‎magical‬

‪#‎beautifulinsideandout‬ ‪#‎realdeal‬

Much love hun!!

—   with Janet Lee.

Julian Chan, March 14^th:

RESTLESS HEART....

Dear Janet Lee

You are living proof that we all need to dream, and naivety in such dreams is something virtuous and valuable to have.

You are living proof that there's no dream that's too big that it cannot be achieved. All that is needed is persistence, preserverence, sincerity, diligence, and an unimaginable amount of passion.

You are living proof that having a restless heart is what is necessary to live in this world, or else there is no point to it.

We have seen how hard you have worked, day in day out, to get to this point. Thank you for having us be part of this dream of yours. It is my privilege and honor.

==============

PS:

The concert was a blast, and I had a great time with my musical brothers, whom I love dearly, and always a privilege to play and learn with and from them. To my brothers in WVC Trio+1, thank you!

Tay Cher Siang AJ Popshuvit Kj Wong

A shoutout to the rest of our ensemble:

Fung Chern Hwei and the Gugu-tet, Eben Ting, Kok Leong, and Eugene.

Backup voices - Yon Lynn Tan and Ng Shareen

Awesome guitarist Faz Aznam for adding your voice to our group.

A shoutout to the RESTLESS HEART production team: Nell Ng (director/producer/slave driver), Seah Song-fan, Wong Horngyih, Tan Choo Harn, Alex Ls Tan, Jaynell Ling and everyone else involved whom I haven't mentioned!

.......And a super special thanks to all of you who made it to the concert in support of our Queen! THANK YOU!

Brenda James, March 14^th:

Congratulations Janet Lee for bringing Restless Heart to fruition! The telling of a journey of love, its glorious highs, painful lows, and the delightful, formative middle ground where real life truly happens. May your musical adventures continue to bloom and grow.

Jimmy Ang, March 14^th:

Today's darlings.

I'm here today for Janet. Watching her realize her dream and being part of it is such a blessing. I'm never more proud of someone. The feast for the eyes and ears today not only inspired me but also motivated me. We all want to be someone who we dream to be but not everyone can achieve it. Congrats Janet. I want you to know that I love you and your spirit.

Angie Ng, March 14^th:

Stellar solo concert & launch of her debut album ‪#‎restlessheart‬ by ‪#‎janetlee‬ ! Congratulations @souldoctorlee & thank you for your music, your stories, your beautiful soul & for always keeping it real! P/S: cried again listening to your album in the car lah. ‪#‎therapeutic‬ Janet Lee

Zakri, March 14^th:

A fearless and restless heart inspired me so much tonight with her courage in pursuing her dreams. Congrats dear heart — with Janet Lee.

Keira Chin, March 13^th:

I met Ms @souldoctorlee 3 years ago at one of Sensei Cher Siang's performance. She is always regarded as the most hardworking woman on earth. Finally the long awaited solo concert/album release! Congratulations! Thank you for the gorgeous music that touches my heart. I'm sure it's same for everyone who was there. ‪#‎restlessheart‬ ‪#‎janetlee‬

Suhailie Michelin, March 13^th:

Dearest @souldoctorlee , thank you for sharing this night with me. It was indeed a reminder to always celebrate life and be thankful for many wonderful things. I'm so grateful to be part of your journey.. 'Dance not because you want to but because you have to...' Love you ‪#‎janetlee‬ ‪#‎restlessheart‬ — with Seah Song-fan and 5 others.

Adrian Chee, March 13^th:

My good friend and (trusted supplier) Janet Lee had her first solo concert tonite and boy did she blew the audience away. Thank you for an amazing nite, my favorite has always been your rendition of Shanghai Jazz - all my hair stood up when you hit those notes! Keep on having that Restless Heart and continue making great music! Congrats my dear, and all the best with the new album.

Jason Khoo, March 13^th:

【Restless Heart】一张诚意满满的作品。看见的是一位歌者的热血、努力与坚持；听见的是首首美妙动听的爵士乐，仿佛享受着一杯浓郁咖啡停留在嘴里的香醇～ Janet Lee 李抒芬，加油！

Lynn Tan, March 13^th:

Butterflies in a jar. As though the glass is lined with acid.

(I'm lost for words!)

Restless Heart is crafted with raw sincerity.

Personally, I recalled a very familiar desire...

feels like I can touch the sky again.

Come to DPAC for Restless Heart - A solo concert by Janet Lee tomorrow!

Our only, most recent duo shot

Winnie Ho, March 13^th:

She is our "youngest" in ‪#‎ShanghaiSisters‬. She is my crony. She is someone that inspired and encourage me so much about dreams. She sing, she laughs, she writes, she pursues. She is Janet Lee.

Congrats babe on your debut solo concert : Restless Heart! I was touched by the great effort everyone puts in ! So proud of u!

, still showing at Damansara Performing Art Center (Dpac). One more show on 13/3/2015, 8.30pm. Acknowledge their effort by support the gig or get a copy of Janet's Debut album! — with May Meow and Janet Lee.

Isabell Jia Jia, March 13^th:

It's a whole load of enjoyment for audience when seasoned musicians perform on stage

smile emoticon

without forgetting the experienced show producer , coordinator , sound n light engineer n etc .

Dear Janet Lee, so proud of u ~!! Great show indeed !

虽然走的是不同风格，但我强烈推荐常听和常做中文音乐的朋友们去看这场演出！其实我们在这样多元种族和文化的熏陶之下，酝酿出来的音乐真的有很多值得互相交流和学习的地方。 不要忙着各做各的才好～

Kong Eu, March 13^th:

Such an elegant & beautiful ‪#‎RestlessHeart‬ last night! Janet Lee's solo concert launching her debut album at ‪#‎DPAC‬. FULL live band, stunning staging & powerful vocals of the gorgeous Janet Lee ...See if you can get standing room tickets for tonight's show!

Ker Heng, March 13^th:

Wonderful vocals by Janet Lee and the band + wvc trio who played tonight! Faz Aznam great work on the guitar! Lights and sound were a very high standard too! ‪#‎restlessheart‬ ‪#‎janetleemusic‬

Prestinne Tan, March 12^th:

Was at a solo concert of restless heart, featuring Janet Lee. A malaysian songstress. It's her 1st album after working hard for 10 years. Finally she owns the stage, has her own songs in the comfort of people that love her in the hall. I don't know her, but from the brief encounter I could feel her. It was really touch-heart, with personal stories weaved in. Did not expect to be touched that way but I choked up a few times especially when she mentioned Justin, her soul mate that has passed on 5 years ago. Did not expect such a soulful, personal musical encounter tonite really. And I could feel that she is a beautiful being. I could not detect any sense of pretense. Not a bit. Only sincerity and honesty. Oh and this girl can sing! Lol! My favourite track - Into The Sky. Congratulations ‪#‎JanetLee‬. ‪#‎RestlessHeart‬
Kris Wong dear thank you for a beautiful evening as always. ♡♡♡

Zen Lin Tan, March 20^th:

Hi Janet,

Thank you for a wonderful Friday last week. F1 was a good seat. Thank you for accommodating to my ticket change. It's been a week but the experience was awe-inspiring and alot of the tunes are still ringing in my head. Especially "Mo Li Hua", it's spine-tingling. Perfect amalgamation of chinese folk and modern fusion.

Being a restless heart myself, I look up to you. I cried, I laughed, I grooved to the beats, I clapped, througout your concert even I was solo that evening.    Guess that's the magic of the arts. And your honesty brought me into deep thoughts of my current situation. A timely reminder for myself to keep me sane. Every moments is a crossroads. Every turn you make and every path you make will be your journey of discovery forever. Make life a ride.

Glad to see you have the blessings, love and care from friends.

Hope to see more of your performances in the future or maybe a good cup of tea.