Runs on food and music, will sing for chips and pasta.

Sunday, January 26, 2020

The floor beneath my ass

FB post @ Jan 24

I sat on the cement floor in the first bedroom to cool down. This was my bedroom for all of my high school years in Taiping, all to myself after my sister left home to work in the city. In this humble single story house in Taman Air Kuning, only one room in the entire house was tiled - the living room. My dad is not a fancy nor a fussy guy. Even back then, in my clueless tender age, I knew this was not the best looking flooring. But I never minded it, we didn’t have no air-con through all the years - this cool cement floor has accompanied and provided me a cooling place to read on hot days. 


I have vivid memories of my idyllic school holiday afternoons and where I spent countless hours on this less than attractive bedroom floor, reading many copies of old Readers’ Digest, and other books. With curtains drawn and the floor fan, I could lie here for hours without leaving the room; traveling to faraway places in the pages I feast my eyes on. Those innocent years, stresses of life were of a different kind. Never will I be that again. 
On this very floor was the first time ever I place a pair of earphones in my ears, listening to my sister’s copy of Natalie Cole’s Unforgettable album. 
Today, after an hour or two of air-con in the living room (my dad installed two units of AC in this house two years ago) watching Netflix on my phone, I took a shower and returned to my old room and decided to read a bit. I sat on this floor again to cool down, with a novel...and got transported back in time to my childhood. But this girl who enjoys reading on the cool floor is now much older and her soul bartered with less innocent stresses of life. 
We don’t know for how long more we will keep this old little house here. Now there’s talks of moving the old folks to the city where my sister and I live. But before any of the major changes to come into form, it’s lovely to be cooling my hot ass on this ugly but adorable floor, reading a book.

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Friday, November 04, 2016

Quote from [My Year Of Meats] by Ruth Ozeki (FB post)

Fresh off two separate Jane Goodall's outings last week; having just finished reading Ruth Ozeki's [My Year Of Meats] (definitely not what I expected when I started); and halfway watching Leonardo D's [Before The Flood] documentary; and also signed up to go to the Cowspiracy Screening by Malaysian Nature Society - I am juggling between trouble-shooting at work and self-reflective mode. The need to balance work and life, rest and work, and to simplify, and empathise. 
I will take my time to organise my thoughts of them all in due time, in the meantime I am compelled to remind us, an excerpt from Ozeki's novel, in the second last chapter of [My Year Of Meats]: 
"I would like to think of my 'ignorance' less as a personal failing and more as a massive cultural trend, an example of doubling, or psychic numbing, that characterises the end of the millennium. if we can't act on knowledge, then we can't survive without ignorance. So we cultivate the ignorance, go to great lengths to celebrate it, even. The faux-dumb aesthetic that dominates TV and Hollywood must be about this. Fed on a media diet of really bad news, we live in a perpetual state of repressed panic. We are paralysed by bad knowledge, from which the only escape is playing dumb. Ignorance becomes empowering because it enables people to live. Stupidity becomes proactive, a political statement. Our collective norm." 

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Monday, April 27, 2015

Letters number one hundred and twenty-eight: The days go on

Dearest J,

I just finished reading Kafka On The Shore.  Don't think Murakami was one of the authors you read...? Not sure.

The album is out, the two-night concert was a success.  For a little while, of a few days, many friends and friends of friends talked about it.

It was all so overwhelming and gosh, I didn't know where my strength came from..

To work non-stop under the great stress of finishing recordings and organising the concert; of preparing myself for the concert: face my songs and the audience, and brave the enormous beauty of the 11-person ensemble for Restless Heart.

Yet I've lived.  I think I'm enjoying the fruits of my labour - my mind is pretty clear now for most part  - in the sense that I allow myself to sit back and enjoy the smallest and most important pleasure of being an artist now: the afterglow, the quiet afterglow.

Like today...

I woke up a minute before 8am, stayed in bed...slept a while more.  Woke up again a while later and drifted between reading Kafka and checking FB and sleeping more.  Got up finally at 10am.  I put some porridge to boil, hung up laundry, slowly stir fry some vegetables (long beans and broccoli), sautéed needle mushrooms, branched purple cabbage with olive oil and soy sauce, fried an egg.  I ate two bowls of porridge with the dishes, over the novel; I ate slowly and took my time to wash the dishes.  After lunch I treat myself further - reading on the sofa, not enough, I poured myself the Yozu sake I bought from Kobe.  I napped in between reading and finally finished the novel at 3pm.

What a life right.

Put all those months of rushing between gigs and recordings and late night meetings and rehearsals and deadlines and stress and sleepless nights and not eating well and getting skinny into perspective...

Every now and then, more so now that I can slow down pace, I think about you and wonder about all sorts of things.

Even though I move fast on my toes and sometimes too fast to catch a breathe, I always, often wondered why life would be if you're still around.

Would I have made the album?  Would I write songs?  Will we go to London together?  .....

What I know for sure is that if you were here when I make the album and concert, you'd be really happy for me and proud of it all for me.

Your parents and Mama came to the concert on first night.  I gave copies of my CD to Alex, Yan and your parents.  Your mom asked for 5 copies to sell for me.

The journey after this is pretty much...another chapter, I guess the chapter before and up to the point of concert was called "WORK IT".  What comes after this is perhaps "Make It Last"?

The memories of you will last for a long long time.  I like this conversation at the end pages of Kafka On The Shore a lot, put it down here for you:

"Are memories such an important thing?"
"It depends," she replies, and closes her eyes. "In some cases they're the most important thing there is." 
"Yet you burned them up." 


Forever yours,

B




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Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Letter one hundred and twenty-four - The days go on

Dearest J,

I know this conversation is one-sided.  The address of "Dearest J" might as well be "Dearest Janet/me".  But gestures are gestures...symbols, etc...just meanings and justifications that we humans fabricate.  We are meaning machines.

It's the early eve of your departure anniversary.  I just had some leftover bread with butter and fruit juice at 330am and took a bunch of vitamins, while reading a few pages of Huzir Sulaiman's play [The Weight Of Silk On Skin].  Huzir is a living genuis and I love his writing so much.  An excerpt from this play...

"She was married
To an Indonesian Chinese
       the sort of fellow who throught no discernable effort
       own large tracts of denuded rainforest
       a few gaping-wound-n-earth miming operations
              and sundry manufacturing concerns that spit out the things
               that float beneath the margins of your consciousness
                   like the hinges on gates
                       and not actual cement
                       but the sacks they put cement in
                       the powder they adulterate cement with
                                so that buildings fall down sooner rather than later
things that ensure to cash to splash for generations to come..."


I still go through days when I pause for a moment and recall that you're gone and sigh, "...I can't believe you are gone."  The time just flies.  Three years tomorrow, since that Ulu Yam bike outing.

You left me with a kiss that morning in bed.  I was taking my time to get up to go to a rehearsal at 10am.  The night before you held me on the sofa bed, you said you were so happy to see me singing so much, "Run here run there, sing here sing there, clever girl."  Nick Choo had just won the best libretto, best music, best production awards a few hours before for his "Little Girl Lost" piece at the 2010 Short & Sweet Musical.

Nick Choo just won the same line up of awards a few days ago, for his 2013 entry in the same festival - "Dreaming Outside of The Box", with Aaron Teoh and Tria Aziz in the cast.

I spend a lot of moments weighing the worth and value of this peculiar life I lead, and this body and the pair of eyes I watch things from, and these strange brains/minds that I own that seem to not know when to rest.  I remember we did lots of talking about all kinds of things relating to the life on this planet - these days I enjoy asking questions by myself and the silence of the air around me - no one here to tell me "I don't know." (your favourite answer) and no one to bounce the questions off me.

Depression has left this place for now.   I content myself with activities that occupy my mind and my soul, leaving no space for the horrible horrible feelings.

Just seems crazy that you've been gone all these times.  Just crazy.

My eyes are giving in, I should hit the sack soonest!


Miss you very very much,
B


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Friday, August 02, 2013

the emptiness has brought fruits

Waiting it out, the draught that has brought on so many different emotions.

First there was clusters of panic feelings and negative thoughts and the wandering mind.  Then after the initial dwellings of meaningless thoughts the rational task force team sprung into action, several attempts to steer the ship towards brighter shores.

While several positive action-plan took place, part of me took on the empty days with new learned glee.   It has been a funky place to be, am still here, hopefully not for long. Some of these days span out with such lyrical grace that I have not experienced for the longest time.

The leisurely yoga class, the therapeutic cooking, the solitary meals eaten without haze, leisurely dish washing, staring into space while the music plays, reading pages after pages without a care to rush to a sound check, organising stacks of different homework on the floor of my study, reading late into the nights, sleeping in.
There were countless conversations.  Mostly intimate ones, one to one.  I had organised another round of giving away clothes I cleared out from the `store/guest room'.  The most productive meetings for friends, the girls would come, one by one.  We would chat, while clothes would get tried on, and I would showed her to Tommy cafe and I'd get some bread or a drink from her in return for my pre-loved wardrobe.  Old friendship rekindled, clothes get new homes and I get free bread.  Perfect arrangement.

And then there are the dark dark thoughts and emotions that have
 lingered too long, overstayed its welcome but seem to have taken a permanent residence.  I have learned to stay afloat and stay in the battle no matter what comes.

Two new sets of lyrics were emailed to composer during these `empty days'.

Neck got hurt badly and warranted the attention of a chiropractor.

I have learned how to stir fry vegetables I have not cooked before. I enjoy improvising over the kitchen top.

Phone went missing/stolen all within a span of 5-minutes on a rare trip in a mall last week.  Now owner of a swanky and sleek new phone and more bills to pay.  Savings account needs massive work.

Finished reading Susan Cain's [Quiet] and Jeanette Winterson's [Why Be Happy When You Can Be Normal].  Super satisfied with Winterson's unapologetic story of depression and bad childhood, her observations of life and art are so brash, harsh and inspiring at the same time.

I have read her The Power Book and Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit - time to get her other titles.

Just some of the quotes that I shared on FB, from her [Why Be Happy When You Can Be Normal]:

"Creative work bridges time because the energy of art is not time-bound. If it were we should have no interest in the art of the past, except as history and documentary. But our interest in art is our interest in ourselves both now and always. Here and forever. There is a sense of the human spirit as always existing. This makes our own death more bearable. Life + art is a boisterous communion/communication with the dead. It is a boxing match with time."

"....trouble is just something that has been filed in the wrong place. That is what Jung was explaining of course - as the chaos of our unconscious contents strive to find their rightful place in the index of consciousness."


....so anyway,

You make a decision to live on and live long, so just strife and let that decision bring you down the road....and hope each new decision you make bring you more inspiration to strife more.

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Saturday, August 25, 2012

books just happened

Anyone who loves reading knows that the fastest train in the world is your mind, the speediest way to travel is by reading.



Whatever my childhood may be pale in comparison with the more affluent families, my parents made it up by letting their children read whenever they want, wherever they want.  Even during Chinese new year where some older folks frown at the sight of books because `shu' 书  also sounds like 输, losing...not something old fashioned Chinese want to be associated with during Chinese new year.

Hence even though my parents' house was shabby and my siblings and I never grew up with a VCR player...or fancy electronic games and overseas holidays (I don't remember any holidays other than our CNY visits to Ipoh), we always had books in the house.  Though it was never a big thing, as far as I can remember, books just happened in my childhood.



It wasn't like a vegetable force-feeding thing for some kids, or kids having been dragged to ballet class...or piano lessons (though now I kinda wish that it did).  Reading for pleasure just happened at home.  I was not a high scorer at school subjects, I was horrible at sports, I didn't join the school choir, my mathematics were borderline case.  Vivid memories of joy during my primary school days were that twice a week during recess time, I raced other kids to the small school library to choose two books to borrow.  I have clear vision of me and other kids, standing on old wooden chairs in front of the ceiling height (or maybe it was just so much taller than us that it felt like it was ceiling height?) book shelves to access to books on the higher shelves.  I was reading a series of all the the translated classics like Little Women, Great Expectations...etc, in the Mandarin edition.

Yes, I only read books in Mandarin back in school.  My primary and secondary school days were spent in national Chinese schools, till form 4 when I transferred to a Malay school near ISA Kamunting. The world of written English only came to me in high school where it started rather slowly and not without a bit of teething pain.

Other memories involving books and reading include those late outing with my father to town in Taiping.  My father would take me with him to run his errands and work in town, he was the accounts person in a small cinema then and would go to the cinema office in the evening.  Within walking distance from this dodgy little cinema (they screened dodgy films too, I remember watching some of them!) there was a Chinese bookshop called Nan-Hwa Shu Ju (南书局run by this tall and skinny lady whose name I have forgotten but not her face, she was a friendly figure, short curly permed hair with big mouth of big teeth jutting out of her constantly talking or smiling face.  Am sure if I asked my father now he would still remember her and her name.

She would let me loiter in the shop for hours while my father muck his accounts in  the office down the road.  The shop wasn't air-conditioned and only had an old fan but to be able to read pages from different books before I finally put them back if I couldn't buy one was good enough for me.   Sometimes it gets so late that I would walk to my father when the bookshop closes and on the way there, there was another opportunity to read.  Right in front of the entrance to the cinema and its office, there was a kiosk selling Chinese comics, novels and magazines.  I have no memory of the dude who runs it now but I remember standing there with my sore legs squeezing in as many pages as possible before I had to put a book back and go home.  I have bought many copies of comics from that store too..mostly girly stories.

Then my sister left school and got a job in the city!  Shortly after her stint in a music school and a few interviews with Malaysian airline she started her training as a stewardess.  She would write me letters from the city in Malay (she doesn't write Chinese) at first, because my English was very limited.  Slowly she would mix the letters with simple English and ask me to check my dictionary if I couldn't understand the letters.  She encouraged me to pick up my English writing and speaking, "so that when you are bigger next time I could take you flying with me to visit other countries, but first you will need to speak good English."

To me that would always remain as the...for lack of better word, the starter or initiator for my chapter in discovering the world of books in English.  The desire to want to see the world and be more sophisticated - I had to be good in English, back then in the late 80s and early 90s.  I didn't need much pushing, soon after that I was tuning into Radio 4 and listening to the late night broadcast of `song dedication' hosted by Janet Ambrose.  In the morning I listened to the crazy duo Yasmin Yusof and Patrick Teoh breakfast show.  I tried very hard to understand the punch lines and conversations in sitcoms like Growing Pains, Family Man, The Simpsons, Saved By The Bell...Doogie Howser, etc.

For reading I had to start with Enid Blyton...constantly being confused with very old fashioned words such as `crossed'.  I was already in high school then and the library in the high school was way bigger and it even had an air-conditioned section.  I would have a after school lunch (peanut butter sandwich my mom made for me) and stayed in school till 3 or 4pm before my father come around to pick me up.  Those wonderful lazy afternoons were spent dreaming and reading in the library, looking at books that I couldn't borrow and choosing between ten books that I want to borrow.

I was reading elementary books in English while I devoured advanced Chinese literatures like 巴 金's , and others (like my favourite 三 毛) to satisfy my otherwise rather mundane life.  Soon I moved to what I remember as the simplified versions of classics like Picture of Dorian Gray among other titles (I wish I kept a record of what I read then).  When school holidays came when I was in form 2 or 3, I graduated to reading old copies of Reader's Digest, given to my family by friends. The days spent at home during school holidays were long and hot (no air-conditioning in my parents' house, not even now) but I was very much pacified by lying on the cool cement floor in my room, glued to the pages of various Reader's Digest.  I was lucky like that that my mom let me get lost for hours everyday in my room, I never have to help her with cooking and much chores, also explained my very very limited cooking repertoire now.

Then I started going to the town library near the Lake Gardens, first on my bicycle and later on on my motorbike when I passed my license.  The library was a symbol of worldliness to me back then..especially when I walked over to the magazine area in the library where adults lounge and read magazines like Newsweek, Times and Economics.   My understanding of the English language was still limited.  I remember sitting in the huge sofas next to the library main door trying to decipher the articles in those magazines.

Oh, and the entire building was air-conditioned so there's never any need to go anywhere to stay cool, except when it closes and everyone gotta get out.

I was introduced to Sue Townsend's books in this library.  'Rebuilding Coventry'...I was immediately attracted by the novel's opening line, (somewhere along the line of, since I don't have a copy with me now)

"The two things that you need to know about me immediately are that I am very attractive and I have murdered my neighbor yesterday."

The town library was the last place with books that I hang out at most in Taiping, before I left for the city.  And then reading became a different creature once I started making my own allowance for books, with my own money.

Reading morphed into owning and collecting books besides just reading them.  I started to buy and collect at a rate way way faster than I could read them.  With the distraction of a gazillion things and chores in an adult's life, reading without a care in the world is a conscious effort and a luxury.  There were months where I wasn't really any book in particular, it's too easy now, I have books by the shelves full in my flat and more within my reach - they have been taken for granted.

The influences I got for my grown-up reading were from my city friends.  Meanwhile, my sister became a part time contributor for various magazines and dailies, and then she started to publish her own books.

SeeMing and Justin were possibly my biggest influence in what I read when I was fresh out of college in late 90s.  Both fast readers, like how SeeMing could finish one book in one sitting.  They were trading books between themselves and would pass me some to read.  I was at the hand-out corner, hungrily awaiting ideas and ideals.  Through Justin I learned to love reading science books written for layman.  It took me a long time to finish Carl Sagan's "The Demon-Haunted World" but the ride was worth it, I would never see the world the same again! And what a liberating feeling it was to understand and to know why people always have ghostly encounters at night!

I would made many many more friends later in great many different circles but finding your mates in reading in a city like KL is a little harder than find the perfect tenant or landlord.  These days I trade reading list with my colleagues in music, we talk about writing we benefit from and we exchange.  My jazzer friend Cher Siang has been instrumental in bringing me back to my Chinese roots in reading.  And thanks to Lynn, the next book to get curled up in maniac depression is going to be "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?"

The list of great books that change my life goes on and on, and so many more to change me further lies all around me.  I have been living a charmed life and am gifted with many things.  The ability to find immense joy in reading is certainly somewhere very close to the best gifts I have in this life.

And of course, years after those letters from my sister and her promise to take me traveling.  I finally confronted my sister when I speak a lot more English since I started in standard 6, "So when are you taking me flying to those English speaking countries?"

She smiled, "Silly, now that you speak English fine, you can go out and visit the world yourself!"


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Friday, February 04, 2011

Letter eighty-two - Day one-hundred-and-twenty-three of your vacation

Dearest J,

Went to your house today with my parents & sister.

Your mom gave me my ang pow and smiled, "Find a new boyfriend." ....I don't remember what were her exact words but you get the message la.  She hopes I find a new boyfriend soon I think.

I don't know which is harder, to find a boy I like here, or to meet someone who will like me for me here...or to actually imagine that one day come soon when I would stop comparing people to you.

Anyway, you will be glad to know that....actually, am glad to know that am in no rush to find that person.  Mostly because I have never rated this city as a great place to meet good people, for that purpose.

Started reading The Fountainhead a few days ago, I was reading it day and night in Taiping.  One of those great reads that make me stop in the pages for breathes, and to recover I needed to sip water.

There was a lot of news on TV about road accidents.  I was reading the book while mom watched the news at sister's.  We saw a few bodies lying lifeless next to vehicles on TV.  Mom turned to me and asked me about you.

I just told her flatly that I wasn't there when you fell so I don't know the details.

Sigh, I remember how I used to annoy you with my endless queries about useless details and trivial,  you used to tell me they don't matter.  Now I can truly appreciate whenever I get asked about the detail of your accident.

This time this year, am serious about taking up meditation.  I will call TP's brother to get details about his meditation class on Mondays.

Going to do some music work now before I call it a night.  Tomorrow morning parents go to Singapore and am having a packed day with social events: a yu-shang lunch gathering and a house dinner party.

Am so happy am reading a book the way I am now, hungrily.

Miss you,

B

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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Jonathan Haidt: The Happiness Hypothesis

The Happiness Hypothesis, Putting Ancient Wisdom and Philosophy to the Test of Modern Science

I picked this up at the Big Bad Wolf Warehouse Book sale. Wasn't sure if I bought a good book, but it was RM 8 and I generally like to study science writings on topic of happiness so I didn't think twice before I bought it.

Turned out this is one of the best stuff I've ever read. I have read The Science of Happiness (Stefan Klein) that examines how our brain can make us happy and what can we do to derive it.

Jonathan's study of ten great ancient ideas narrate in detail how we can extract it and use it in our modern day lives. He questions and applies each of these ideas with scientific researches to provide well-rounded suggestions.

The book and its content so rich and enlightening that I keep the book with me in my handbook everyday, reading too slowly (I just reached page 97 after having this book for over a month) and carefully. I underline all the ideas with a pencil that mean something to me or require coming back to.

Ever since I started studying writings & studies on the Science of happiness, I feel that I have a lot more control over my emotions, and of course, my happiness. Though these books are far from trying to be a self-help title (they are not self-help, they are reports of studies & researches and experiments), I find that they are absolutely better solutions than self-help books, for me.

For me, deep understanding of how our brains & our emotions work, is half the battle won in having control over your own happiness & emotion well-being. And I think, being emotionally healthy is also the first step to many successes, depending on your own definition of success.

Maybe it sounds too easy? Risking of sounding like a snob (I probably am one), I find that people these days look to fancy alternatives to hunt for happiness. Some of my friends get their kicks at spiritual readings and visiting soul-healing gurus, readers of their past lives...am sure this sound familiar for some of you. "Oh my animal spirit is a tiger." "Oh they told me mine is a dragon." "Yes ah? I was told my past lives I had been a monk, a singer, a robber and a cabaret singer."

...ya, and these information are suppose to help you seek out your future happiness. I was told, ya man, you gotta know your past to plan your future, right or not?!

I rather get better at time management so that what I invest in the present moment will benefit my future.

Anyway, I have digressed :) I recommend this book to anyone who is interested in the topic of human behaviour, how we live and what happiness is (although we should first derive at our own definition first).

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Tuesday, March 03, 2009

The real secret of success

Ok, before you  think I've turned into a self-help book reading junkie overnight.  I don't think this book is not a self-help title - Malcolm Gladwell was a science witer before he churned out three best-selling non-fictions about how the world works.  

Anyway, I went to listen to music forum at The Annexe Arts Career Fair last weekend.  On the music panel were composer Saidah Rastam, sitar player Kumar Karthigesu and performer Sean Ghazi. Sean was relating to the audience about the hard work one puts in to excel in the arts industry while quoting the book's chapter titled "The 10, 000 hour factor".  Later on Saidah mentioned she was also reading the same book.

This must be some interesting stuff whoever this fella wrote about.  I asked Saidah for the title and bought a copy the next day.  Of course the book isn't about how to be a good singer but it tells me what I need to do to be good in what I love doing.


in this book Gladwell reminds (or inform) us that success is a group effort, a group project, and not a single-person effort based on total meritocracy...sounds like something new to your ears?  go on read it, I will not attempt to explain it.  

Anyway, my personal gain in reading the book (am only halfway through, a personal record for me for having read half the book in three days, I'm usually a lot a lot slower) is the reminder of how important hard work & passion are, in getting to where one wants to go.

While chatting online with J, he gave me this equation: 

Success = Passion meets ability meets opportunity
(opportunity = external circumstances)

Today at my jazz class my instructor Ann advised that I practise at home, 20 times for each hand, how to lift and float my arm in a smooth & beautiful movement...as required in our latest dance routine, to be performed this June.

And over drinks after the class, another dance instructor Sherlyn quoted what Bruce Lee had once said (she read from a book on Bruce Lee), he would never be intimidated by an opponent with 1,000 different moves on a fight ground but he would be weary of an opponent who has done 1 move 1,000 times before. 

I think that is way cool, what he said.  Imagine if I had practised all my songs 1000 times before...or imagine if I practised my dance moves 1000 times...

This is a week for reminding ourselves of the simplest advise we knew all along - 

Practise makes perfect.

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Thursday, July 19, 2007

Another very good book, for anyone

"When one person suffers from a delusion, it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion, it is called Religion."
- Robert M. Pirsig


"Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too?"
- Richard Dawkins


The book is The God Delusion

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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The pleasure of finding things out

That is the title of a Richard Feynman book that I read about a year ago, such a good title.

If I can say that I'm a fashion directory and phone directory to some of my friends, J is most certainly my directory to greater knowledge.

and he reads

Just to name some of books that he has bought for me, or pass down to me after reading -

Recent ones are

The Perfect Monologue (How to find and perform the monologue that will get you the part) by Ginger Howard Friedman

An Inconvenient Truth (The Crisis of Global Warming) by Al Gore

The Science of Happiness by Stefan Klein, PhD

How I Became Stupid, a novel by Martin Page

The Blind Watch Maker by Richard Dawkins

Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit? The Encyclopedia of Modern Life by Steve Lowe & Alan McArthur

The Curious Incident Of The Dog In The Night-Time by Mark Haddon

A Pocket Guide to Opera by Rupert Christiansen

The Pleasure of Finding Things Out by Richard Feynman

The Demon-Haunted World, Science as a candle in the dark by Carl Sagan

I love my directory to knowledge!! Hugs!!!

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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Milan Kundera & Monday

"The goals we pursue are always veiled. A girl who longs for marriage longs for something she knows nothing about. They boy who hankers after fame has no idea what fame is. The thing that gives our every move its meaning is always totally unknown to us."

Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

I want to know what you think of what he said, do you agree?

Was at my car mechanic today, half way thro the book now. I got out of the air con waiting room a couple of times to stretch and to check on my car's progress. Replacing a broken water jacket near the engine gasket.

Took a picture of what water jackets look like.











Another client there looked at me and said, "Hey I know you are from this block at my condo."

He chatted with me for a short while and went back to his car parked next to mine.

Later he told me someone at the condo jumped off from 16th floor last month, dunring World Cup. He said he was up watching the game and he heard it.

Now I think it was either a bloody loud thud or he had his TV mute?

Anyway, this guy said it didn't show up in the papers.

How strange. I went to the mechanic to meet a neighbour to tell me about the sick n sad incident.

****

Back to Kundera, I think we always think we know enough of the things we are pursuing and that gives us motivation to go after it. Some of us just know in our skin that we like certain things.

I like to think that I have never known what it's like being rich and so I don't really feel life being anything less being the way I am, not rich but happy.

But I don't know whether the fact that I don't crave being famous is due to my laziness and being unambitious, or just, I don't go after it because I haven't tasted its goodness?

It's only Monday, see what a good book does to your week?

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Wednesday, March 23, 2005

The Best Bestseller I Have Ever Read

I feel silly telling people that this is the best Bestseller I have ever read....because I'm only at chapter 67.

Waaa, 67 already you think? Haha, the last chapter in this book is chapter no 233...they are all in prime numbers la.

If you already know which bestseller I'm referring to, then this is truly a bestseller by word of mouth.

I'm talking about Mark Haddon's [The Curious Incident of The Dog In The Midnight]. I won't attempt to tell you why I think this is the best I ever read because you just have to check it out yourself. It's only 226 page long...and you can't stop once you start (I'm just stopping to blog and tell you about it).

Read it for its totally refreshing and revolutionary style of writing.
Read it for its thought-stimulating insights.
Read it for entertainment.

Excerpts of the day:

"Mrs Forbes at school said that when Mother died she had gone to heaven...

Mrs Peters's husband is a vicar called the Reverend Peters....I asked him where heaven was and he said, 'It's not in our universe. It's another kind of place altogether.'

...I said there wasn't anything outside the universe and there wasn't another kind of place altogether. Except that there might be if you went through a black hole, but a black hole is called a singularity, which means it is impossible to find out what is on the other side because the gravity of a black hole is so big that even electromagnetic waves like light can't get out of it, and electromagnetic waves are how we get information about things which are far away. And if heaven was on the other side of a black hole, dead people would have to be fired into space on rockets to get there, and they aren't or people would notice.

...I think people believe in heaven because they don't like the idea of dying, because they want to carry on living and they don't like the idea that other people will move into their house and put their things into the rubbish.

...What actually happens when you die is that your brain stops working and your body rots, like Rabbit did when he died and we buried him in the earth at the bottom of the garden. And all his molecules were broken down into other molecules and they went into earth and were eaten by worms and went into the plants and if we go and dig in the same place in 10 years there will be nothing except his skeleton left. And in 1,000 years even his skeleton will be gone. But that is all right because he is a part of the flowers and the apple tree and the hawthorn bush now."

That's it for now. Trust the doctor, this is a good book.

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Thursday, January 27, 2005

International Cult Favourite

I'm reading [How I Became Stupid] by Martin Page (translated by Adriana Hunter, from French).

There are a few bits I like immediately already when I was in my first page, but the one I will share here is in chapter three, on why taking your life is the only way to freedom:

(page 41-42)

There is censure against suicide. Political, religious, social, even natural censure, because Mother Nature doesn't like us taking liberties with her, she wants to keep us in her clutches to the very end, she wants to decide for us. Who decides about our death? We've delegated that supreme freedom to illness, accidents, and crime. We call it fate. But that's wrong. This so-called fate is the subtle will of society, which gradually poisons us with its pollution, massacring us with wars and accidents...This is how society determines the dates of our deaths from what we eat, how dangerous our daily environment is, and from our work and living conditions. We don't choose to live, we don't choose what language we speak, what country or what age we live in, what tastes we have, we don't choose our lives. Our only freedom is death; death means finding freedom.


(page 59)

Men simplify the world with words and thoughts, and that's how they create their certainties; and having certainty is the most potent pleasure in this world, far more potent than money, sex, and power all combined. Renouncing true intelligence is the price we have to pay for having these certainties, and it's an expenditure that never gets noticed by the bank of our minds. In this instance, I actually prefer those who don't huddle behind the cloak of reason, and come out and admit that his faith is just own belief and not preemption on the truths of this world.

There's a Chinese proverb that goes something along these lines: a fish never knows when it's pissing. The same applies perfectly well to intellectuals. An intellectual is convinced of his own intelligence because he's using his brain. A mason used his hands, but he too has a brain that can say, "Hey! That wall's not straight and, anyway, you've forgotten to put the cement between the breeze blocks." There's a dialogue between his hands and his mind. The intellectual who works within his mind doesn't have that dialogue; his hands pipe out and say, "Come on, man, you've really goofed up! The earth is round." The intellectual doesn't have that distance, that discrepancy, so he thinks he has or can have an enlightened view on very subject.


Go figure.

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Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Latest Read

Found this book on the shelf at Zen Feel Tea House, Jalan Sultan. Was there last week for the The Voice of The Women concert rehearsal. My singing apparently suck that day, so this book seems to be THE reward.

[Jin Guo Zhi Wei] (the taste of the forbiden fruit) is by Zhang Xiao Xian, a Chinese writer, her compilation of short essays on relationship.

Her observation of the modern relationship of men and women is sharp. Many of them will make us turn uneasily in our chairs.

The writing is so good that if I try to translate it would lose its meaning, I fear. Want to read it? Let me know, I might just get myself a copy...hopefully after ten rounds of reading I will be able to translate some of the pieces that touched me.

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Wednesday, September 29, 2004

creating your own culture

Tuesdays With Morrie (i know i know, the whole world has read and i've just started) -- Mitch Albom

"...so many of the people who come to visit me are unhappy. Well, for one thing, the culture we have does not make people feel good about themselves. We're teaching the wrong things. And you have to be strong enough to say if the culture doesn't work, don't buy it. Create your own. Most people can't do it."

the ever-wise and lovely `Untitle/Noname' in my comment box: (THANK YOU, UNTITLE)

"The purpose of living life is happiness. It's evident, in EVERYTHING that human beings do. We play, we make friends, we work hard, we make more money, we get hobbies, we watch tv, we go yamcha, we break rules, etc. All in all, everything it takes to feel good.

On pleasure & happiness:

"The difference is, in my opinion at least - pleasure is derived externally. Buying a new house, car, TV, smoking a cigarette, watching a movie, making a lot of money, etc. It lasts for as long as that period of time that you enjoy it. And then it's gone, and you feel like you need more again.

Happiness comes from within. It's about accepting the good things in your life and appreciating it. You don't necessarily need more of it, but it's fulfilling nevertheless.

A man who works hard everyday and makes a lot of money to buy materials for his family is offering them more pleasure than happiness. Happiness is working and earning less but spending more time with the kids and growing with them."

Back to Tuesday w Morrie, Mitch talked about creating your own culture. We all in our own ways create our own culture, the thing is, is your culture giving you satisfaction?

Morrie:"So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They see, half-asleep, even when they're busy doing things they think are important. This is because they're chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."

I'm sure a great many of us realised that culture we have now is full of BS. We spend many hours chatting and gossiping about news we read from tabloids, as if those people we discuss are our neighbours. We are addicted to someone else's drama. We discuss the outcome of TV soaps and sitcoms, reality TV shows....these things don't make our lived any fuller or happier, why are we so into it?

I decided that I will start to create my own culture now, I will assess all my values and decide whether it should stay or be chucked out. I have always been able to justify my actions: buying a new dress is an investment, sending back my food in a restaurant is respecting my customer right, being outspoken is being true to myself, etc. I will re-consider these things I do and think in a more...human way.

Human way? What the fuck?

We may think that since we are humans, so it shouldn't be hard to act and think like one. Wrong, many things we do everyday are far from `human activities'. Watching sports on TV, gambling, trying to make more money than you need, working more hours than you need, trying to get into the `Tattler' magazine, are not human activities.

Human activities are, I learned, conversations, discussion groups, walks with friends, dancing, eating slowly, look at nature, reading, helping others, write letters to friends...you get the drift.

Next project: create my own culture (come join me in this one, create our own cultures based on our newly-acquired `human values')

Focus: on being more human.

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Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Mortal Love

Page 215-217, Eleven Minutes, Paul Coelho.

Once upon a time, there was a bird. He was adorned with two perfect wings and with glossy, colourful, marvellous feathers. In short, he was a creature made to fly about freely in the sky, bringing joy to everyone who saw him.

One day, a woman saw this bird and fell in love with him. She watched his flight, her mouth wide in amazement, her heart pounding, her eyes shining with excitement. She invited the bird to fly with her, and the two travlled across the sky in perfect harmony. She admired and venerated and celebrated that bird.

But then she thought: He might want to visit far-off mountains! And she was afraid, afraid that she would never feel the same way about another bird. And she felt envy, envy for the bird's ability to fly.

And she felt alone.

And she thought: 'I'm going to set a trap. The next time the bird apperas, he will never leave again.'

The bird, who was also in love, returned the following day, fell into the trap and was put in a cage.

She looked at the bird every day. There he was, the object of her passion, and she showed him to her friends, who said: `Now you have everything you could possibly want.' However, a strange transformation began to take place: now that she had the bord and no longer needed to woo him, she began to lose interest. The bird, unable to fly and express the true meaning of his life, bagan to waste away and his feathers to lose their gloss; he grew ugly; and the woman no longer paid any attention, except by feeding him and cleaning out his cage.

One day, the bird died. The woman felt terribly sad and spent all her time thinking about him. But she did not remember the cage, she thought only of the day when she has seen him for the first time, flying contentedly amongst the clouds.

If she had looked more deeply into herself, she would have realised that what had thrilled her about the bird was his freedom, the energy of his wings in motion, not his physical body.

Without the bird, her life too lost all meaning, and Death came knocking at her door. `Why have you come?' she asked Death. 'So that you can fly once more iwth him across the sky.' Death replied. `If you had allowed him to come and go, you would have love and admired him even more; alas, you now need me in order to find him again.'

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