Letter number one hundred and thirty-six: a day in my parents' life in KL

Dearest J, 

I'm in much better shape today - mind and body.  Alive, and have things to live for.  It's not perfect but I'm relatively happy today.  

...so glad the dark clouds have blown over for now.

As usual, I sat by the dining table after I finish eating, and let mom have her airtime, to just talk.  I didn't see them at lunch, I cooked some dishes for dinner and asked them to come up to eat together.

Mom told me her morning routine.  Things she does every morning.  It sounds lovely, I think routines are wonderful.  The first thing she does after getting out of bed - washing her hands.  Then she cleans her dentures, puts them on.  Washes her face next.  She takes the milk out of the fridge, reheats it over the stove, sometimes she takes hot water and makes her oats, with the milk inside, sometimes not with the oats.  The milk is a new thing for her in the past month.  Using the gas stove is something I'm proud of for her - she was petrified to use it at first.  Things come to her in her own time, when she is not being pushed.  I'm glad. 

Then she will spread butter over a slice or two of bread, she would spread peanut butter for dad too.  But on some days he'd skips the bread.  He always have two soft eggs for breakfast, and a mug of rolled oats.  She spreads the butter over bread, and cuts them delicately into six pieces...or is it four pieces, per slice.  She takes all of that to the dining table, she says a prayer before she starts her breakfast.  She said dad too say his prayer before he eats.  Giving thanks to the food they're having.  Such a moving thing to know right?  

After breakfast she hopes to go toilet.  She told me she even have a silent monologue, or a quiet pep talk - to her stomach..or to the toilet.  She said she would talk to her stomach, "You've had bread, milk and oats - that's a lot to eat, so now it's time for you to behave and let me poop.  Let's make it smooth."

She said dad too prays for his smooth bowel movement.  These are both amusing and poignant to hear. 

After that she would move around the apartment, exercising.  She has her version of a cycling movement exercise - seated on a chair and make cycling movement with her legs.

"After that what do you do?" 

"I would sit around, wait for updates about lunch - wait for your text message to inform us about lunch plans."

I asked her what does she do after lunch.  She naps.  

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No doubt, self-inflicted guilt is a real issue for me - I feel I'm on a treadmill of a workout.  The workout is taking care of parents.  How much have I clocked in and all that.  Like many other things - I am aware most of my problems are self-inflicted.  

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With parents, my emotions are a pendulum.  I go from feeling annoyed, to being grateful for having them near and I can have a part in being useful to them, to feeling stressed about their problems, to sheer bliss of just enjoying their company - the kind that is much different from being with my friends where I absorb knowledge and exchange ideas and inspirations.  With parents, I just be.  I might not share much with them, but I just be.

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I hope I write more to you.  Making this a more regular routine, and an outlet of therapy for me.

Talk soon.

Love, 

B 

Letters number one hundred and thirty-two: The days go on

Dearest J, 

Sometimes I wonder if you're still around - would you love this person that I am now, this 2017 version of the woman you were in love with.  I know I'll get nowhere with that thought...just a silly wander and wonder of the mind, like when I wash dishes after a meal at home.  

I cook for myself so much nowadays, and loving the taste of it so much that I could barely stand eating out at sub-standard restaurant/mall eateries.  Sometimes I get a little embarrassed with myself, how much I enjoy cooking for myself...not that I hate sharing my cooking with others.  I wonder if it is a case of being conceited?  That I love to cook for just one.

Rationally, I'd say it is just one of the manifestation of me enjoying my own company.   I do think of friends and people when I eat alone, so and so would love this dish, etc.  I've shared my cooking numerous times with friends, they enjoy it.

Quite sure you would approve of the cooking if you were here to taste it :) You always liked those pasta thingy I made, those rare occasions when I did make them.

Lost my voice last weekend, at a gig.  It was horrifying but I think I came out of it pretty well on the show, I have proof --> audience came up to me to ask to buy my albums, and many more wanted to have photo taken with me and said how much they enjoyed my performance. 

Saw ENT twice in one week, got prescribed steroid, antibiotic and bunch of other medicine.  Recovery is apparent, but too slow to do another show now.  I had to cancel two gigs this week.  Spent the week excelling at writing apologies to clients, and had bouts of disaster recovery training on the go.  I am giving myself an award for Best Performance in Disaster Recovery, or was it Disaster Management?

Had a lot of time at hand, thinking - besides cooking, going to doctors, napping, popping bills, chores, looking for replacement singers and firing orders.  

Thinking, why had I worked so hard and done so little travelling for myself?  

Thinking how I could work on a paradigm shift so I could focus - and be less kiasu - on experiencing more...the world, outside of the work.  

The notion is to work and achieve as much as I can now, while I still have the fire in me.  I think the fire is strong still, and thinking about performing always excite me...except now my body is slowing down.   The days after the Kuching-Singapore "tour" I dazed through my classes, rehearsals and appointments, sleepy at most hours of the day.  Sore throat started as early as Sunday itself after I touched down from Singapore...really didn't see it coming, of how that would eventually escalate to losing voice a week later.  

I haven't cancelled on any clients or shows since 2008.  I remember that time when I lost my voice completely for weeks and sometimes you'd come over with home cooked from Mama :) It was also October then...it was super stressful then, cancelling 3 shows and dealing with different levels of wrath and scorn from clients and agents.   I think this time round things were more calmly managed, though the emotions are the same - poignant, regrets and upset. 

The bright side of things...there are always positive that come out of bad things that happen; the good things that came off this are: 

1) Realising how much I have established (unknowingly to myself) in my stage profile that clients really see me apart from others.  What I have been delivering and building, is indeed in a class of its own -- despite all the shortcomings I've encountered and nitpicked my performance.  

(It's hard to find replacements for the jobs that I was supposed to deliver, it was hard to convince clients to work with the alternatives)

2) A quiet time to reflect on my future perspectives and some past ones.  The all important question: What and who am I living for? 

3) I could pack leisurely at home for the NZ trip coming up in 3 days!

So, I want to start doing something about the wanderlust - travel more.  Not just in the frame of mind to 'take more holidays', but to travel more, see more.  

The papers for the condo transfer to 100% my name is almost done...after 7 long years with the laywer...high court, land office, etc etc.  I am down to my bits of paying back Alex for the bank loan that he paid for Viva.  

I've worked hard to accumulate cash in my bank the past 7 years, but I think I have spent quite fiercely too...I could be a little more stingy but it wouldn't be me.  What is money for if you don't spend it?  I hope you look out for me when I am out and about on my own, learning to move around the world, little by little, on my own.

Miss you lots, 

B

FB post dated June 18th - "Que Sera Sera" by my dad

[what-I-learned-from-Dad-lastnight] In the rather toxic matrix of the city's hustle and bustle, am often blinded by small problems, temporary hurdles, etc...I often forget to look at the big picture and get a grip of "What's more important?" and "What's the big picture?"

Drove parents out earlier to visit friends, after I absent-mindedly ate my dinner with them at home - mind crowded and distracted (stressing over logistics for the concert project early next year, in conjunction with album release, etc).  My dad asked me from the backseat if I knew the song title of a famous English song, he started singing a tune that wasn't anywhere in tune and his lyrics didn't quite make sense.

"Dad I don't know this song, I cannot tell what you're singing." (I just wasn't present enough in the conversation nor I had the patience then to try to figure it out)

He started telling us that the lyrics of the songs is about not knowing what the future brings.  My mom immediately said, "Oh I know the song!" :) I knew mom knows that it's Que Sera Sera that dad was referring to - she also sang it better than dad.

So I put on the song in the car for them, Pink Martini's version of Que Sera Sera from the Sympathique album.  And dad started relating how life is indeed like the song itself - you cannot tell what the future brings.

It brought a smile to my face thinking how, as a kid back in school, to live this life I have now would have been the wildest dream.  Who would have thought that my parents would be cool enough to let me live the way I do when I first quit my day job?  Never in my wildest dreams as a kid did I dreamed of working on an album of my own; never would I have believed that one day I would live my days as a storyteller on stage, singing songs of dreams and hopes for live audiences who indulge with me - even though I have written more than once in school homework that my ambitions and dream jobs were these: author, novelist, actor, singer and dancer.

"Hey you", I tell myself, "This is the moment - of being alive, staying alive, ironing out problems, big and small...charging along; both your parents still around and they are playing witnesses to your life's events - of your big and small achievements - being proud to have given birth to you." "So why so grim?  There's nothing you can do that can't be done...nothing you can sing that can't be sung..."

Yea, I gotta learn to set my perspectives right and understand the scale of my `predicaments'.  So thank you dad, for singing the song, though out of tune and lyrics not quite right - you have taught me and reminded me last night on "what's more important".   Que Sera Sera.

FB post dated March 31st - "Talk yourself out of bad situations"

The lesson this morning is 'trust' and 'positive-thinking' - not something I instinctively subscribe to every minute of my day - you can say that it's not yet my second nature.  But after my experience this morning, I would definitely want to make it as part of my reflex :)

This is a bit of a long-winded roundabout way story but I trust that should you choose to read…you may enjoy the ride :)

I went to the wet market down the road that I have discovered recently (of course it's been there for years) - to shop for fresh goods.  The market is a lot smaller on Mondays, the number of vendors for fruits and vegetables were no more than two or three stalls each. I looked around under my hat and from behind my vintage shades, sense of self-doubt welling up: how could I make sure I would pick the freshest produces and how could I make sure these ladies at the stalls won't rip me off at prices?  I walked around looking and thinking, quite convinced that they would charge me more because I look clueless and new there.

Fortunately the will to have fresh vegetables and fruits to eat at home this week was strong enough that I didn't turn back and leave.  I bought three pieces of sweet potatoes, was charged RM 4…I thought it was expensive, but I paid up anyway. I stayed with this stall and bought more from this lady, 12 apples for RM 10, one kilo of passion fruits for RM 10 - I think these prices are fair.  At that point I have decided to trust this fruits stall lady and trust that she wasn't out to rip me off, so I bought bananas from her too - at RM 5 per kilo.

Next was vegetables.  The first item I picked up was a a packet of jagung, two fresh ones in one pack.  "How much?" The skinny elderly lady there told me it's RM 2.50.  I recall that this would cost more than RM 3 if you find them in the supermarkets - so I continued to snoop around and put more vegetables in my basket.  One bunch of Hong Kong choy-sum, RM 4. I also picked broccoli, french beans and two cuts of lotus roots.  The whole bill came up to RM 14 for all that - I was happy.  I think it's pretty good deal - RM 14 for 5 types of vegetables.

Happy with my purchase, I rewarded myself with breakfast at the corner restaurant down the road from the market.  I ordered a bowl of curry laksa noodles.  The huge bowl came, filled to the brim with cockles, curry chicken and fish balls, among the eggplant and long beans, all cramped in the thick curry soup.  I returned the bowl and explained that I don't want any of the cockles and chicken business; and that I was used to curry laksa noodles with only the noodles and vegetables and tofu.  They removed all the meats for me and served me.  The noodles looked deadly overcooked - I was convinced.  I was right, the meehoon and yellow noodles were soft and slimy.

I debated with myself on whether or not to just pay up and leave to eat at the other stall that I frequent more.  "The boss would think am such a brat to do this, with no regards for money." ...I decided to sit back and try to eat maybe only the vegetables in the oily curry soup and talked to myself, "There's no need to waste this bowl, what you could learn from this is not to order this again from this stall, or to go to other stalls if I want curry laksa.  This is just one meal out of so many future meals am going to have - there's no need to kick a big fuss over a breakfast."   The minute my mindset changed, my breakfast began to taste better - somehow the soft meehoon wasn't as slimy before and the vegetables were great.

I didn't finished the entire bowl but I finished most of it, not wanting to overstuff my stomach.  Awe consumed me the whole time - I was amazed at how quickly the quality of my experience change at the turn of my thinking.  Never before I was this convinced about positive thinking.

So there, I had a great time this morning because I learned to trust that people aren't out to con me and that things aren't as bad as they look :) If you actually read this far, I sincerely trust that your week ahead would be a rather fantastic one, if you could talk to yourself like I did this morning ;p

#living #janetwrites #trust #positivethinking #vegetarian #groceries #jalanipoh #currylaksa #wetmarkets #reflections

FB post dated November 30th - "Picking the winner"

How do you pick a winner in a singing competition?  An overall polished performance but safe, making less mistakes but pushing no further than being safe, versus a risk-taker in pushing one's boundaries and bringing the audience to the edges with raw emotions and heart, display fair amount of vulnerability and imperfections.  An ideal winner is of course a combination of both great skills and great emotions but when you have to pick one, how do you do it?

I learned something this morning, maybe not exactly something completely new to me but definitely something I should spend more time thinking about.  

Was on the panel of judges for 2013 World Children's Day Refugee Talent Competition, organized by UNHCR Malaysia. Six of us, three judges from the dance field (Cecilia Yong, Amar Singh and Gonzalo..didn't get his name proper) and three of us from the music field - Reza Salleh, Arif Akhir and myself. 

The children were being judged based on ability, stage presentation and audience appeal for their singing and dancing performance. There were only six finalists in each category and their age group vary from eight years of age to teenagers.  Being children and still fresh on stage, it wasn't hard recognizing who had the best singing technique and who did better in appealing to a live audience and performing on stage.  Choosing the winner at first seemed easy, the gap between the finalists was obvious - but the exchange of a few words with my fellow judges before I was ushered to hand in my final score - gave me new insights into the world of `judging a winning performance'.

We all agreed that deciding on a winner under this sort of circumstances is hard - the children's skills vary quite a bit, they obviously have very different background (though were all refugees in Malaysia), they all excel in different aspects of performance of singing.  

So when it came to time to put down the pens and choosing the one for top marks this morning, it was also time to decide what the judges were going to reward - do we pick the performance that showed us power of trusting, faith and soul, or do we pick the performance that displayed just adequate skills and flair?  

In my heart, really, despite the cliche we have all heard, all the kids were winners to me - they have all won because they had stepped out of their comfort zone, invested their time, resources, heart and soul into the project, braved the nerves, and faced the panel and audience, bared themselves `naked' and be the subject of judgement for 5 minutes.  That's how much (and more) artists and performers are willing to sacrifice for their craft, and art.  

Opss...I have digressed. Back to the crunch time of decision this morning - there were three of us on the singing panel.  The winner was the little 8-year old girl who went for her faith, sang with truck loads of gusto and heart, gave dynamics in her singing and basically, she bite the bullet.  Yes she still lack  finesse in her vocal control and technique.  But she has those other elements that would send her to a different place all together, when she acquire more technique later, if she doesn't stop singing after today.

For someone who is obsessed with the importance of training and technique, I am guilty of bringing my classroom and my singing teacher with me (inside my head) on stage.  But I love telling stories and connecting my live performance with the people in front of me, so it's usually a close fight between the heart and head.  I think the heart usually wins - that means I'd go back stage later, cursing and wishing I had more practice and that my pitching and production were more put-together.  But after this morning's experience, I am reminded of the meaning and spirit of a live performance - the bottom line should transcends learned skills and technique, and it should be about making a shared experience that aims to change something in the audience, move a few souls in the room, stir up imaginations or memories, taking people to places with the singing (dancing, acting..etc) - and sometimes it won't come from being the best in technique.  

I need to stress again, my point is that technique is VERY IMPORTANT in performing arts, but it won't be the sole deciding factor in a winning performance.  

So many factors make a performance special and memorable, so many things at stake when you're on stage, the performer is both powerful and vulnerable…guess that's part of the allure of this thing called performing arts huh?  

Thank you Reza Salleh for  your insightful thoughts and Ariff Akhir for letting me pick your brains :)

FB post dated November 14th - "Shut the fuck up at concerts."

Attended a lovely concert last night with some colleagues in the music circuit.  The experience was marred by a few issues.  I could forgive the Arctic-like, severe and intensely bone-chilling drafts of the air-cond that blew right on top of us from 830pm to 11pm.

But I can't quite rest my heart at the `sakit-hati-ness' of the behavior of the audience.  For the reason that I think what I have observed last night reflect a much bigger issue facing the…youth of our society today.

We were sandwiched by a row of elderly audience behind us and a group of four young ladies/girls who sat in front of us.  At numerous occasions during the intimate moments of the performance there were audible chatter behind us - please note that it was chatter, not whispers.  In front of us where we had no choice but to look between the four heads belonging to the four young ladies, to enjoy the consummate performance on stage.

The performance featured vocalists, a jazz band and contemporary dancers.  For the most part of the evening whenever the dancers make appearance, the girls in front first watched (though I think it looked more like they were gawking), then exchanged remarks among themselves, then giggled uncontrollably…non-stop.

Now, how the dancers' performance fitted into the music performance is another issue - but the fact that these young people (ok, I am assuming by merely guessing that they look young, they look early twenties to me) thought it was okay to start a forum about the performance right there in the middle of the concert, among other audience - is beyond my best effort tolerance.

I practice self-censorship consciously in all my self-published content - blogs, FB tweets, instagram, etc.  Outside of the cyber world I try my level best to do the same.  As I age I put in more effort in behaving myself in public, when dealing with frustrating people, I try to put peace and solving a problem before satisfying my urge to reprimand - I really try, trust me - I used to be a lot louder and wouldn't think twice about telling someone off in public, loud.

At the beginning of the concert I turned to the chatting elder-lies behind me and smiled first, gestured for them to shut their gaps and said softly, "I want to listen to his singing."  I looked into the pair of eyes I met, sitting behind me, on a face of a woman who clearly looked old enough to be my mom - they looked happy to be at the concert…except they really didn't know how to stop their chatters in a concert like that.

Unfortunately for me, I was expecting a lot more from the girls in front of us.  They were young people who were clearly privileged enough to attend such a classy event - a live music concert; they looked like they are at university-attending age and they each had a piece of paper with them and they would sometimes write something on the papers in the dark (I wish I knew what the papers were).

The four of us behind the girls watched the show patiently, it was a long and cold night.  Towards the end of the performance the lead performer engaged us in a most soulful, and quiet ballad, featuring a dancer.  One of the girls continued her antics of mocking the performance by covering her mouth, stopping herself from laughing, and exchanged words a few times with her neighbor.  I decided to talk to her, I tapped her lightly on the shoulder and said, "This is closing to the end already, could you please pay attention to the stage?"

The girls didn't quite stop their gawking and giggles after that but their moronic behavior was reduced.  I could tell that the girl whom I tapped was dying (inside of herself) to take a good look at me and stare right down at me.  After the show I spoke to some musicians about audience etiquette.  Our conclusion was that - the older bunch had no idea that talking during a performance is fucking rude - they simply had no idea what renders appropriate behaviour at concerts.

The young ones?

Many people talk of Malaysians being people lacking in exposure of worldly things - specially in the arts and music industry.  Comments like, "Yalah they don't know ma what world-class standard is like."  "Not bad already for a Malaysian/local show." …..etc.

My point is, long winded as this entry is (apologies) - so yes, we are village folks, we don't know any better, but are we ready to remove ourselves from our narrow-mindedness and our so-called `backwardness'?  And for those of us who know better - are you ready to educate and help open the eyes of those who don't any better yet?

So if you know that when you attend a live performance with three hundred other audience in the auditorium, you are to put your phone on silent, and leave conversations with your friends for appropriate break of the performance - would you do something to ensure that your fellow audience do the same?

Or would you just sit there and ignore the bad behavior for the sake of peace? Of avoiding making a scene?

A few years ago I sharply told a mother off for talking to her family (a pair of parents and two teenagers) during a performance in a theatre.  This lady received several warnings from other member of the audience during the show - "Please keep quiet, I didn't pay to hear you talk, I paid to watch him dance." etc.  So on my way out of the auditorium I stopped by her seat and told her that she really shouldn't be a bad example to her children.  Her reply was, "No we didn't talk, we didn't do anything wrong. I don't know what you're talking about."

Later on at the foyer of the theatre I saw her again, again I approached her and told her that everyone who sat near her could she and her family talked during the show, ahem, she was so good she actually scolded me and called me a bitch loudly…with people near us who looked on, disdainfully.

I rest my case.  Again, I apologized for the lengthy writing to illustrate one point.

Again, my question again - if you know better in being a worldly person with manners, would you care enough to educate the others to improve themselves?  Clearly, if there are not many of people like me around to single out the spoiled kids like the ones we encountered last night at Tribute To Yao Ming's opening concert - I would always look like the bitch who is self-righteous and a snob who tell people off.

The road to a more mature society, getting to the first-world country…and all, seems very long and cold.

Letter one hundred and eight - Day three hundred ninety-eight of your vacation

Dearest J,

Been raining a lot here.  I have been on a perpetual high since the song-writing project came back onto the horizon.  I have left it stagnant since last November.

Now it's a bit like my `sensory buds' are heightened, I look at everything with renewed interests, I have a notepad with me everywhere, sometimes I would record my stream of thoughts on my iphone, passages that I envision to be part of lyrics to perhaps another new song.

Also, am going out of a many-year drought of public gigs.  With the Sep 28th outing at No Black Tie still fresh in my mind, am planning two new ones - Nov 5th at The Scot's (a bar in Jaya One) and Dec 14th at No Black Tie again!

Wish I could see your reaction when I tell you this: this feeling of being truly, really alive, and creating something by myself is the first for me.  We have had many moments of real bliss before but I want to tell you that what am feeling now is something else - just the thought of working towards and finishing an original song is absolutely thrilling...beyond words.

I guess am left with a lot of time and space to explore this person I have inside...we used to define each other through our love and support in each other's work.  Now that we're not together anymore there is a need to further explore, and maybe am find new definition for myself.

While I dwell on my blissful high of being a `song-writer' or wannabe-songwriter - I wonder about my role as a daughter and as a friend to the rest.  The depth of a personality, I imagine, must be greatly reduced if the person is only concerned with the trivialities of being an artiste without wearing other hats.

....getting very sleepy.  Resisted going to watch Cher Siang and gang at No Black Tie tonight.  He made me a really nice set of dinner last night after our rehearsal for this Saturday gig.  Not that cooking well is an obscure skill or artform, just that I sat there at the dinner table looking down at our simple, and yet elaborate dinner - realising that he is truly such a mature being and my admiration for him grow.

That a person who take great pains in doing something well as an artiste, would also invest in doing other things well - simple things like cooking well, and reading plenty to enrich his mind.  As I ate slowly at his table I was greatly inspired to grow into a better adult...simply by taking better care of my basic welfare like  eating when I need to, and sleep when am tired.

And try to read more books.

And spend more time listening to recordings.

My Ipoh aunt passed away on Sunday morning, she was 91.  Sister and I drove up to Ipoh to be with her kids and my mom.  It was very nice to spend time listening and talking to sister.  We checked into a small but very nice neighborhood hotel for the night.

My Magic Flute conductor Brian Tan also passed on this week.  Peter and I will go to his last service this Thursday at his house before the cremation on the same day morning.  I would know the way to cremation very well, it's also at Nirvana Shah Alam.

Have finally put some use back to the gorgeous Harman Kardon soundsticks you bought for me.  They have been left out in the dust since I signed up for Unifi and the configuration to sync with my desktop was gone.  I cleaned up the gadget and moved the speaker set into the study and hook it to the iMac.  The effect is beautiful.

Will go to bed soon.  Slept early last night and had a good day today, because I could get up early and not feel out of sort.

:)

Love you!

B

Letter one hundred and seven - Day three hundred and seventy-seven of your vacation

Dearest J,

Oct 3 came and went.  I had the most wonderful day, busy running here and there - the way you like.  Nell, Peter and I went to the Assumption Soup Kitchen to help with the work.  Then SeeMing and Max came later, and Chelsia arrived late - just in time to join us for lunch at Raju's.  Grace and Eng Eng were there too.

I had the most wonderful day, it was filled with food, eating, singing (I sang at Pavilion for a preview event for Dama Orchestra show), and friends, and your family.

Sep 28th outing at No Black Tie was a complete surprise for me, I was overwhelmed by the number of people who came to see me sing.  I knew that the booking was very full days before the show but I didn't think all of them would turn up and more would go to the door to try to get a place in.  And the most amazing thing for me was that people stayed till the end, some of them standing.  And my Dama gang stayed outside at the bar to listen to me.
pic by Brandon

To say that I was touched and moved is an understatement...in fact till today am still finding ways to thank you these people.

pic by Horng Yih

The run-thro before the show was stressful, my songs were obscure and new to us.  But we stayed together during the show and I was energized by how much I wanted to give to the songs and their meanings.  It was a very good birthday for Susheela.  I may even say it was totally orgasmic.

Evelyn has offered another slot for me this coming December 14th.  I want to sing songs that you like.  Am making the list now as I write.

Of course, then there was the over 3-week long downtime of the iMac.  Peter helped me carried it in to Machines on Sep 14th, they changed the hardrive for me.  When it came back, it wouldn't work after I restore the data onto it from time machine.  The technician was on leave for over 10 days so I just lived out of my iPhone for emails and put all my paperwork on hold till...Oct 10th.  Somehow after that the time machine acted up and wouldn't work.  This morning I had to call for help and had it reformatted.  It's now backing up my data from scratch.

There's your data still on this baby, not sure if I can access it but I guess I will leave them be.  Then there's your blue jeans still hanging at the back of the door in our room, I haven't moved it since you last wore it and left it there.

Am going to work on something exciting for my music.

As you can see, since you left, the last 12 months have been a whirl wind of activities for me - mostly music and mostly, quite thoroughly - good things.

Brandon says this is the universe's way of checking things in balance.  I told him I thought this is all like a sick barter trade for me - nature took you away from me and has given to me in place of you, all these things - the sing-song things, the travelling, more sing-song. I told my audience at No Black Tie that years ago when you first became smitten with me, you told me that you just want to see me sing, you just wanted to help me sing more - because when I sing, you could see that I was so happy.

Well baby, you just did that.  Exactly what you'd wished for.

Much love.  Miss me lots,

B

Letter one hundred and four - Day three hundred-and-nine of your vacation

Dearest J,

I was picking out flesh from a fried fish this evening to eat, at your place.  Remembering how you used to do that for me, you would pick out all the fish bones first, and put the fish on my plate, rid of bones.

I want to live well because I was loved.

Your dad told me at dinner that they are taking a weekend holiday at the Sands, to watch Lion King, staying at the Sands Hotel.  Mama told me last week that her passport was renewed because your mom was taking her to Singapore.  I am so happy that your parents are making time to enjoy themselves, with Mama in tow. Alex and Yan also booked the Sands for the weekend.

Mama made lots of food for me for dinner, I had two helpings.

Over 300 days passed.  So many occasions came and passed, where I wish I still have you to go to when I have doubts, when I need you to guide me through certain cloudy moments.  I remember how sometimes you just look at me and smile, to say, "I also don't know any better."

Am in one of those moments now, really wishing you're still here to make me feel less doubtful.

But because I was loved, I shall march on.

Seeming reminds me recently to keep inspired by you, to do good in your memory.

Evelyn at No Black Tie finally sent me an email, two months later...to offer me a slot there this September. This is big for me.  Am happy.  Singing keeps me happy.

made Brandon take pics of me with piano 

Much love,

B

Letter ninety-one- Day one-hundred-and-seventy-five of your vacation

Dearest J,

Took Mama to a Hokkien play last night, I Am Not My Pimples.  It was an impromptu move.  I went to visit yesterday with this yummy carrot cake and stayed long enough to forget to inform the folks that I wasn't staying for dinner.  Then we realised she was going to be all alone at home - your parents were going to a wedding dinner, Yan & Alex also had plans for the evening, out.

So I watched her gobbled down her dinner and got changed, jumped in my car and drove home.  Thursday entertained Mama while I showered and got changed for the theatre.

Mama sat through the entire play (without intermission) wide awake, even though she couldn't hear much of what the actors were saying.  She just sat there watching the play attentively.

While driving her into town in the sunset, BFM was playing The Pretenders' Don't Get Me Wrong, a happy song, you would call it.  A tune that never failed to lift my mood anytime I hear it.  It was an incredible blissful moment for me.  You always liked it when I take Mama out on any `excursion'.  It was just a simple moment of perfection, I felt. With the sunset in the horizon, I could see it from my car, the song and its beat going, and Mama next to me.  We are your favourite ladies, in one car.  The missing one was you but somehow the moment was complete because Mama and I are bound by you.

So the thought of you, stirred well with the sunset and the Don't Get Me Wrong song and Mama being alive and kicking next to me, driving along to a play, conjured the prescription of how to live the times ahead - have lots of fun.  That was what you always prescribe for the both of us, to always have fun despite whatever.

I don't believe that when someone passes on the spirit or the soul stays.  But at this moment I can see that the spirit of you, the fun person, emerging to remind me how to be, and live through that perfect moment in time.

Thank you.

Much love,

B

..at the bottom of the basket today....

I found my white pencil tube dress that was missing for months.

...and I didn't realise it was missing till I went looking for it to wear for a gig, and missed it dearly. I went out to Sg Wang with a heavy heart hoping to find the equivalent and found the SAME one in the SAME shop, so I bought ONE with a happppy heart.

Four months later, today, 5 minute ago, I found my missing dress at the BOTTOM of my laundry basket, untouched since the last time I wore I think...in March 2007.

Now I have two identical, very sexy, very cool, very tight dresses.

here, pictures of the dress...you must be wondering what super cool dress that will drive me to go out and buy the same one...the last time I wore the first one, for Magic Flute publicity shoot, March 2007.

and the new one I bought in June this year for the WILD (for Independent Pet Rescuers) fund-raising gig at Attic. pic by Andrew

and after these two huge bags come back from the launder shop next week, I will have a Big pile of `new clothes' to wear since I haven't seen most of these clothes since last year. I have forgotten I have that cool baggy read teeshirt with sequins, that chic secondhand-see-thro-boho skirt from Perth, that second hand chiffon pink blouse from Bangkok...

now smelly of dusk and very wrinkled...they are going to clean, don't worry
crazy comic pants from good old Good Sammy boutique @ Perth

Migod, I warn you, don't be my house mate, don't.

Alive, and not starving

I just got up about 10 minutes ago, from dreaming about dying.

What a feeling to be waking up from dreaming about going to die, and you wake up to realise that it was a Dream and that you are not dying Yet and that you need to go to the toilet badly.

I looked around my messy bedroom, shrewn with books I have yet to read, clothes I have yet to wear...emails I haven't answered, songs I haven't sung and haven't learned, friends I haven't called....

ok, so I went to the bathroom and came back and had a chat with a friend, online.

Janet: so so, how how, whats up today!! hey babe, since you are here...i just got up a min ago, i was dreaming about dying....its such a feeling when you wake up to knowing, n realising that you dreamed and that you are not dying yet.

Ida: whoa.. i dreamt i was in a war hahaha

Ida: wow, what was the dream like?

Janet: what a feeling

Ida: haha! like I"M NOT DEAD! YESSS!!!!

Janet: i cant remember what and why...but i was supposed to be executed, etc. something but i duno why but somehow i missed a bullet n then my frens were around me...and i was home

(in the dream) thinking if i do die what my family will find in my room....what kind of....

diaries they find....etc.

Ida: HHAHAso cute..hahahaaa!

Janet: all i know is, very moment being alive as myself is a moment...to be...we have so many things....to be grateful for. no famine in malaysia, we have `jobs', cash, food

Ida: too true

Janet: its like, man! no reason at all, not in the least to beslacking in whatever...

Ida: ...hahhaa, too much to be thankful

Janet: !!!!

Ida: =) maybe that's what the dream was for... to make you think about your very lucky existence...

Janet: yaaa, it was mind blowing

Ida: anyway, and i was just going to say - another thing to ba thankful for is.. GOOD FOOD HAHAHA. yes mind blowing when you realize what a lucky person you are.. just to be alive

Janet: yaaa, i mean not just that, but to be alive n not hungry! shit, i gotta blog this!

Ida: =)

Janet: :D

whistle a happy tune....

....huh, am happy, I am :)

while cracking my head deciding on a quote (on love) to use for a card am designing, I started considering using song lyrics. What song lyrics is good to quote for a wedding occasion? (no am not having a wedding)

....till there was you?

....fish got to swim, birds got to fly, I got to love one man till I die..?

and then this came in,

At last
my love has come along
my lonely days are over
and life is like a song...

for months I've been trying to sink my teeth in on this classic. When a client asked for this song to be sung at her wedding as the `march-in' number I got myself the famous recording by Etta James and thought, damn, what have I got myself into now, singing a blue classic?

Suicidal, I thought.

So I tried and tried, I don't have the song in my books so I took the pain to attempt transcribing it on my dusty keyboard and being as efficient as a blind man on keyboard, it was a near death experience but the result was rewarding -- I got the song melody down on paper...in very bad writing, my own scale system.

That helped a bit but when other gigs caught up I put it aside and busied myself with other songs.

Until tonight I tried again, it was hard getting it right...also the original key of the song is too low for me.

....sigh, then I saw my soul mama friend online and thought, wow, this is her song man! We chatted, she said, go girl, sing it!

"Try singing soft and breathy, don't try to belt it." She said.

A few minutes later it was already a lot better than all the attempts I had before! When I stopped trying to sound like Etta James, it became easier....

You must be thinking, why she so stupid earlier, trying to sound like a singer that she is not? Well ya maybe am a bit stupid but now am happy I am starting to nail it!!!!

Sometimes you (ok, me me me) just don't see the simplest thing right in your face till someone comes along and point it out to you.

Thanks babe Izlyn!

Also, on the note of thanking girlfriends...I couldn't have done it without Nic. With her help (as my producer) at the studio last night (recording my demo songs), I managed to squeeze out seven songs in three hours in the studio booth...and of course with lots of help from Darren the engineer.

I recorded these standards

Cheek To Cheek
Fly Me To The Moon
Cry Me A River
Misty
The Way You Look Tonight
Someone To Watch Over Me
Tonight (West Side Story)

Let me know if you want to have a listen :) Getting them from the studio (DJW Studio in Desa Sri Hartmas) next week...

oh oh, speaking of standards, my next outing of jazz standards is on Saturday, at Wine Room on Asian Heritage Row. Come la.

My waking from stupidity

I'm usually the one in a group who has the lowest tolerance for stupidity in others and I make it known too.

Last night it couldn't be any clearer that I'm one of the stupidest person I'd love to chide.

At the wake of my own stupidity and foolishness, I had a timely conversation with C, which couldn't be any wiser, the advise from her.

A bit of background, let's just say that I've allowed myself to be taken for granted by some people, in full awareness and I made the choice of continuing to be the one who can't say no to people. These characters have been continuously expecting favours from me without asking for it and in return, made me feel really bad for myself because it seems like they think they deserve these acts of favours from me, for no good reason.

If this fool (giving favours and being taken for granted) was someone else, I would have observed and snicker, thinking the person must the biggest fool for allowing herself to be taken advantage on.

All this time I didn't see that I've made a choice to be these people's door mat. I could have stopped being nice to these people after seeing that what I do for them are not appreciated, but merely as routine in their lives, like part of their breathing.

Last night was my final draw, had a minor out burst...if you can call it that, it was just me and myself there. I felt like a complete idiot, someone I'd love to slap for being foolish.

So the conversation with C went like, I shall just highlight the very advise she gave me, simple and neglected by myself before today.

C:

".....because you need to be generous with yourself first. that's not the same thing as being selfish. if you don't take care of yourself, nobody will. if you take care of other people, they may not even appreciate it.

sometimes we go the extra mile without being asked, but in time, if those people who are at the receiving end responds with gratitude, then you know it was a gesture well given.

don't just give. give wisely. "

Today am a new person, my own generous person who would be generous to myself.

Class of Jan 2007 - Winter Journey @ Agalin

I spent over ten days with these fanbulous people from all over Thailand...and some outside Thailand. Singers of the world unite!!

Winter Journey has been running for four years, it's a music camp for classical singers and accompanists (this year the camp only opened for singers). Really, this a camp of its own kind and none of the singers there know of any other such get-together of anything close to this one in this region.

Before I elaborate on the camp, the singers in the camp this year were...

Ji-Young Yoon, our giggling Korean star. We now share the same passion for earrings.
Panit Somana, the gum-chewing evil Despina from Chiang Mai...Ong-Ard Kanchaisak, counter tenor of few words and he is our new `Beautiful Maria'...sang Ave Maria beautifullyPitchaya Kemasingki aka Pub, camp resident English-Thai interpretor, diva and an occasional dramatic coloratura soprano :) Ema Naito, my `official' host in Bangkok, my Japanese tour guide who speaks more Thai than your regular tourist and a wise traveller
Eugene Eustauio, the ssssexy Ferrando of Philipines and now a certified La Scala material if given the right treatment :)Salith Dechsangworn, speaks funny Cantonese. Nickname Superman but he said he prefers to be RobinJong-on Daoratanahong, reminds me of Turandot when I first heard her singing. She looked serious mostly but she is really just a girl next door when you sit her down for a nice chat..with a translator ;pManit Thuvasethakul, best smile in the camp and on stage, sexy baritone and all. He was the camp pianoman and the soul-body....his jazz-playing can kill
Napadol Wirakan aka Ek (fried, not steamed), the French-speaking emcee of all occasions and a sit-down and stand-up comedianNakananthinee Worakhitanan, my roomie in the camp, speaks Mandarin with me and she was my reluctant translator of Thai (mainly conversations with Jong-on)

Found: Material girl stranded at LCCT Terminal

This is quite a nasty irony. I waited months to get to Bangkok for the shopping...and found myself back from Bangkok, nearly empty handed.

Because the luggage containing 90% of my shopping didn't return with me on that return flight from Bangkok. After the registration of that I would have to GO HOME without the luggage, I grieved hard and low. Now, after about 20 odd hours of depression and anger (it's the Everyone Can Fly company), am sitting down to write this report of...

FOUND (myself a): Material Girl, stranded at home without my luggage. The realization of being a material girl came when the cold hard pain hit me in my head n(n heart) -- It hurts me so much after losing these material things...silk scraf, earrings, necklaces, dresses, chiffon, cosmetics, prized n treasured belongings.

It was good, real good to have J there with me on the way home in the taxi reminding me that all is not lost, we were alive and together and I had all the wonderful experience in Loei and Bangkok. Still, it's confirmed that I'm a material girl....crying over her lost diamonds.

I try to show you some of them in photos, I do my best, most of them disappeared without me having any shot of it.

My Beatrice Looi dress, Zara gold sequin bolero (gift from SeeMing), I wore it at the Bangkok concert after the camp (pic by Justin Tan)
Earrings from Suan Lum night market, I bought about 20 pairs or so of those kind of earrings, for girlfriends and myself, gone now (outside `cast party' with Ema Naito and JiYoung Yoon from the music camp)The purple cardigan and tube top I bought from Siam Sqaure to play/sing Despina of Cosi Fan Tutte (for music camp concert) alongside Panit Somana from Chiang MaiThese fabulous vintage bags from Chatuchak market!!! I bought four of them, only have one left with me because I was using it on the plane...ok ok, while I pray I get these stuff back one day soon. I can't imagine living off my misery n depression any longer...my tears have dried.

Now, a sneak preview of a proper entry on the fantabulous experience of

Winter Journey,
a music camp for singers
at
Agalin
Tap Sa-Ngow, Loei

This is where music played all day long for a week...where we eat, sleep, think, dream, walk, smell, breathe, snort, run, talk music from Jan 11 - Jan 18.where we had voice lessons with friends lounging around to learn togetherthe campers...all smiles all day, introduction of the singers in the proper post coming soon!Breakfast forum!Morning run by the river..A spontaneous cook out by Tham in the girls house ended up like this...Manit was pestering for more Tom Yam soup(slurping)Benoit and wife Ann at the bon fire where we sipped wine n had hot potatoes...and hot air ballons.

ok ok I best stop now, a proper post soon on the camp, I promise!

UPDATE (Jan 25) - 15 minutes after I put up this post, I got a call from Air Asia saying that they have found my luggage in Bangkok and they have since sent it back to LCCT terminal in KL and would have it delivered to my home the same evening. The bag is with me now...everything in it was untouched. However the handle is now...stuck in mid air...

Mekong river here I come...

Soul Doc will be out for two weeks, singing with the birds (and crocodiles?) of Mekong River, Agalin at Loei...

it says...
Tap Sa-ngow , where Agalin is located, is a secluded private residence on the river Mekong in the northeastern province of Loei, Thailand. The estate is known for its gardens. Participants will be accommodated in picturesque dwellings in the grounds.

yes, participants, I paid myself into my first music camp. I'm leaving on a jet plane (Air Asia la) this Wednesday and be home in two weeks. Loei, eight days of sheer heaven (I think) -- just music, singing, cool air, gardens, singing, acting and more singing later in Bangkok on the 20th, at Alliance Francaise Auditorium Bangkok.

Extended my stay in Bangkok so that I can finally see and SHOP at the Chatuchak!

Speaking of shopping! Report of my weekend shopping @ Centre Point is up!

So it's the fashion (style) blog!

....am out, you stay good!

solitary meal

Forgotten to reply to girlfriend's sms on confirming our appointment at my pad....I ended up eating dinner cooked for two...

So it seems I'm fantastic at entertaining myself :)

this evening's dinner menu:
stir fry french beans with shitake mushrooms
fried eggs
sweet-potato-carrot-potato porridge with onion oil and shallots

Dinner Music:
Chopin's Fantasie Impromptu & Etude in C Minor

Dinner reading:
George Orwell's Down And Out In Paris And London

Weather outside:
stormy weather, wet

Program after dinner for one...back to work (music) and yes, tonight I shall read after work...and read before I sleep, and read after I shower, and read till I fall asleep.

Listening to M!

Got a new pc, it's all good...life moves so much faster with a brand new machine.

I'm almost done with migrating all my files (music file especially!!!) from the old laptop to the new hard disc.

Was listening to the my recording of the last vocal warm-up for M! The Opera, now saved in my new pc. The recording ran up to about 20 minutes. After the warm up Saidah gave the cast the (last) briefing for that run, the every first run of the opera...

and then the sounds came...

pic by Alex Wan

My hair stood uncontrollably for a good whole one minute when I heard POW1 being rehearsed. POW1 was the longest, if not the biggest ensemble scene that has about three different songs sung back to back.

The opening of POW1 featured Mia's honeyed-voice singing for a good whole, about 16 bars of music...then the sounds came, female voices shriek, heavy panting, loud sighs, orgasmic screams...floaty fortissimo and many other sounds you don't hear in an conventional opera.

The goose bumps stayed throughout that whole section, that bit of singing has got to be most challenging one in the entire opera. Precision and effects, from earty grunts and growls to classical tessituras, from singing on a spot to contorted bodies.

Clearly I would do it all over again, this beloved opera.

Paranoid?

Is it true that when your mind is focused on one issue, it manifests itself into the reality?

Recently I have been wondering about the kind of people staying in my apartment. About two weeks ago I had an unpleasant encounter with a lad who lives in my block. This strange man is a stranger to me till this day and yet he knew my pad unit number and he knew that I have a `singing career'.

I lodged a police report and reported to my flat security about this person who tried to approach me in the car park dead in the night. This person later persisted in apologizing to me in person and surrendered his mobile number to me.

J and I let it rest about a week ago, after failing to meet him for a `face-to-face-talk', between my man and this strange man. I have been very alert every time I leave my door and right to the point I lock my car door...checking corners before I walk....it's not a nice feeling.

But that man has stayed away, so far.

My mind is still on the subject of my seemingly visible presence in the flat. Suddenly there are more strange men who would try to chat me up in the lifts, car park and in the lift lobby.

Am I paranoid? I swear the first two years I started living here not one person who is not an acquaintance of mine try to `chat me up'. Until I started parking in the sheltered car park of my flat.

Just weeks before the encounter of that strange man - let's call him the 7th-floor man (he said he lives on the 7th floor) - I was getting my car fixed at my regular workshop (the one I go to since the day I bought my Sunny Boy) when this guy came up to me and said hi. He said he recognized my car from the car park in his flat...don't ask me why I didn't ask for his name and where he lived exactly....I'm quite a private person when I don't know who the hell you are.

Then I would see him again in the flat, each time he called out to me and said hi because it seems that he spotted me first every time we `meet' near the lift, or near my car. Sometimes he is with a friend, and his friend would display similar level of friendliness.

I saw him again last night just as I got out of my car, he said hi and asked if I worked late. This time I asked him where he lives, 7th floor, he said.

Tightened my grip at myself, I walked to the lift lobby and there was a man in a MAS uniform who held the lift door for me. This uniform guy smiled at me and complimented on my unique earrings.

This evening I left my flat for rehearsal at 6pm, a man who was already in the lift when I got in smiled at me and said, "Are you a dancing class teacher?"

I said "No." in the most polite manner and I stared at him.

He got out on the 1st floor, looking a little embarrassed at my blatant stare.

Am just trying to make sense out of these strings of incidents.

Are they trying to tell me something?

I was wearing a black tee shirt with long black sweat pants, both the tee shirt and pants were baggy and my shirt wasn't low cut.

Maybe he was just being friendly, and really curious.

I related these to my cast members over mamak earlier, some of them advised me to start carrying a condom around, just to be safe, in straight faces they told me that.