Runs on food and music, will sing for chips and pasta.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

at the playground all day

Am too busy having fun.

And then I would stop and examine the situation and try to see if there's a catch in this whole business.

Is this all right?  What did I do to deserve so much fun, I need to pinch myself to check for reality?

Am also busy accumulating bruises from my weekly classes of assortment of clean, physical fun.  In my Monday and Wednesday classes of contemporary dance at Enfiniti, am the oldest in class, being the only untrained dancer, among the young and very flexible ballerinas - the routines in the class reek of pain but seriously satisfying, serotonin-pumping.  I am taught various ways of moving, turning, rubbing, pushing different parts of my body on the dance floor...plenty of throwing limps around with maximum control.  Yes, throwing things around with lots of control...yea, like singing too - to sound effortless requires plenty of control within.  I have matching bruises on my left and right shoulders, pieces of skin rubbed off various parts of my feet, my elbows are decorated with spots of bruises too...knees.

In my Tuesday jazz class at Caterpillar, I am the youngest person in class, still dancing among a few trained ballerinas, older than me.  The contact to the floor is a lot less, there's plenty of pirouettes work and sexy routines to master...the scene is different.  Here I mingle with ladies who discuss relationships and anti-aging products.

On Saturday mornings I try to get to yoga class at Aravind Centre on time.  I talk to no one but the instructor, interaction with fellow classmates are mostly a polite nod and a smile.  I spoke to less than three persons in all of my four sessions there so far.

Thursday mornings I make sure I hit the road by 1040am in order to arrive in Subang in time for my singing class with Cecilia.  This new relationship started in February, what was suppose to be a push and boost to my singing has turned out to be a really slow and consistent struggle of understanding and doing it right...all boils down to lack of homework and practice.

Off the weekly class and such, I find myself in a constant tug of war with time, chasing after a better time management.  From taking phone calls to meeting clients, sending an invoice via email, booking a band, collecting dry cleaning, making a song list, etc - I know I want to better my time management and  find more time to practice my music.

And then there's a long list of friends to meet, family to see, strings of performances to catch.

Oh, so all these fun things to do, even work is too much fun - singing with my top cats on stage and get paid for doing so.

What's the catch?

For how long can I do this for?  I don't know but I hope whatever it is I do now is going to contribute to sustaining my lifestyle of having fun non-stop.

Sometimes, maybe a tad too often, I wonder how things would turn out if J is still around.  Would I be as busy?  Would he be happy, would his work fulfill him as much as mine fulfill me?

I know I would never never find out.

Sometimes I close my eyes hard and try to picture a future with a new lover, I see a long winding road to that point and then I open my eyes again and ask myself why should I bother - the routine at this moment is too much fun, this freedom is blinding me from that future.

Too many new songs to learn.

So many great books still unread.

Still so many roads not travelled.

Many more blank pages in my passport waiting for new stamps.

This playground is so huge.  I need to stay focused and play hard.


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