growing up and growing old

There's truth in the saying that you can tell more about a person thro how he deals with hardship. Also true is the saying, without sorrow, you can't truly appreciate happiness.

Although I've known for years that I'm a `thinker' and not a `feeler' (refer to Myer Briggs Personality Type Indicator), it still shocks me sometimes to realise how little sympathy I have towards another person's feelings & emotions. Even more shocking when the person is my mom.

Mom will never have the life I have, and I would say it's a carefree life, void of any dark concerns past, present and future. She's lived and learned only to be vigilant and too careful, and worrisome.

Up to about three weeks ago I'd say my life is rather carefree. Since we started the struggle of persuading mom to come to the city to investigate her health, life has been a roller coaster of emotions. Although I really wish my mom was healthier and less difficult when it comes to having discipline in her well-being - I'm glad that this experience is somewhat a soul-searching and self-discovering journey too....while we try to install mom's health back into place.

I find myself talking to my head whenever, or after am done being mean to my mom (not understanding her fears, undermining her pain). Sometimes I justify my bad behaviour, mostly I remind myself to be a better person by having more heart and ask to put myself in her shoe.

Then there's the life outside mom-fiasco, the world carries on while you're having a family crisis. My phone rings even more, work carries on, the music keeps playing, rehearsals get scheduled all the same, my car gets dirty faster (trips to hospital and what not), my clock ticks faster as chores increased by two folds.

There's nothing like preparing your mind for everything that's coming, good, bad, worst. As long as you talk yourself thro the things to come.

While I have control over not having children of my own (hence the people I will haunt when am old and sick are likely nursing home staff), I have no control of my old folks growing older. I will cherish them, I am learning to.

Of course then, it always pays to have a heaven-sent partner around who understands my frustration, pain and fear, in the form of J, in the midst of all the craziness - I find bliss in his company and wisdom. And then of course, there's always work to drown your doubts in.