Letters number one hundred and thirty-two: The days go on

Dearest J, 

Sometimes I wonder if you're still around - would you love this person that I am now, this 2017 version of the woman you were in love with.  I know I'll get nowhere with that thought...just a silly wander and wonder of the mind, like when I wash dishes after a meal at home.  

I cook for myself so much nowadays, and loving the taste of it so much that I could barely stand eating out at sub-standard restaurant/mall eateries.  Sometimes I get a little embarrassed with myself, how much I enjoy cooking for myself...not that I hate sharing my cooking with others.  I wonder if it is a case of being conceited?  That I love to cook for just one.

Rationally, I'd say it is just one of the manifestation of me enjoying my own company.   I do think of friends and people when I eat alone, so and so would love this dish, etc.  I've shared my cooking numerous times with friends, they enjoy it.

Quite sure you would approve of the cooking if you were here to taste it :) You always liked those pasta thingy I made, those rare occasions when I did make them.

Lost my voice last weekend, at a gig.  It was horrifying but I think I came out of it pretty well on the show, I have proof --> audience came up to me to ask to buy my albums, and many more wanted to have photo taken with me and said how much they enjoyed my performance. 

Saw ENT twice in one week, got prescribed steroid, antibiotic and bunch of other medicine.  Recovery is apparent, but too slow to do another show now.  I had to cancel two gigs this week.  Spent the week excelling at writing apologies to clients, and had bouts of disaster recovery training on the go.  I am giving myself an award for Best Performance in Disaster Recovery, or was it Disaster Management?

Had a lot of time at hand, thinking - besides cooking, going to doctors, napping, popping bills, chores, looking for replacement singers and firing orders.  

Thinking, why had I worked so hard and done so little travelling for myself?  

Thinking how I could work on a paradigm shift so I could focus - and be less kiasu - on experiencing more...the world, outside of the work.  

The notion is to work and achieve as much as I can now, while I still have the fire in me.  I think the fire is strong still, and thinking about performing always excite me...except now my body is slowing down.   The days after the Kuching-Singapore "tour" I dazed through my classes, rehearsals and appointments, sleepy at most hours of the day.  Sore throat started as early as Sunday itself after I touched down from Singapore...really didn't see it coming, of how that would eventually escalate to losing voice a week later.  

I haven't cancelled on any clients or shows since 2008.  I remember that time when I lost my voice completely for weeks and sometimes you'd come over with home cooked from Mama :) It was also October then...it was super stressful then, cancelling 3 shows and dealing with different levels of wrath and scorn from clients and agents.   I think this time round things were more calmly managed, though the emotions are the same - poignant, regrets and upset. 

The bright side of things...there are always positive that come out of bad things that happen; the good things that came off this are: 

1) Realising how much I have established (unknowingly to myself) in my stage profile that clients really see me apart from others.  What I have been delivering and building, is indeed in a class of its own -- despite all the shortcomings I've encountered and nitpicked my performance.  

(It's hard to find replacements for the jobs that I was supposed to deliver, it was hard to convince clients to work with the alternatives)

2) A quiet time to reflect on my future perspectives and some past ones.  The all important question: What and who am I living for? 

3) I could pack leisurely at home for the NZ trip coming up in 3 days!

So, I want to start doing something about the wanderlust - travel more.  Not just in the frame of mind to 'take more holidays', but to travel more, see more.  

The papers for the condo transfer to 100% my name is almost done...after 7 long years with the laywer...high court, land office, etc etc.  I am down to my bits of paying back Alex for the bank loan that he paid for Viva.  

I've worked hard to accumulate cash in my bank the past 7 years, but I think I have spent quite fiercely too...I could be a little more stingy but it wouldn't be me.  What is money for if you don't spend it?  I hope you look out for me when I am out and about on my own, learning to move around the world, little by little, on my own.

Miss you lots, 

B