Soul Doctor speaks...

Single again, the road trip continues

2012-01-12T11:58:00.000+08:00

This is my tribute to the current buzz of the release of a wonderful Malaysian film, Relationship Status by Khairil Bahar. (I love the movie) And also given the current status am in, single and constantly being nudged by good intenders on changing that status.

Single again, so what?
Single again, the road trip continues.

Eight long years of couple hood bliss, the unending days of happiness.

The life before the life-for-two enterprise was not bad, I was already a happy camper of one. I remember being interviewed by a young women's magazine on being single and happy. Soon after that interview I stepped into a new status of a girl who has a steady boyfriend, my first.

It was a ride of my life because I was taught so many things by him, and by our experience together.

I learned that it's more important to be kind than being clever.

I learned that the skill of making the best with what you have now is the solution to most agonies in life.

I learned that it's more important to spend time learning how to make a nice living, than just blindly spending time making a living.

So when it ended after eight years, I came out of it with much happiness that got rubbed off from the ride - more so because I have grown so much in those years. I have learned how to live, we shared some pretty amazing principles of living together. We never had all the answers to everything that we need or want to know, but we always knew what to do, or not do, about what we knew, and what we didn't know.

People say that when you meet your soulmate, that person completes you. So when it ends, does it mean you end up being a single and a lonely half again?

If you had an amazing ride of eight years like mine, you would be whole. You would always be a whole person, wherever you choose to go, choose to live, choose to love.

You would be a whole...

Because you would have walked away with wisdom you've gained for two persons.

Because you would have acquired the best traits from him, and be reminded of which of your best that you would keep.

Because you would now have the best jokes from two persons to impress the world.

And lastly and most important of all,

Because you would have learned so much on how to love, be loved, and to love, that whether or not you find that next soulmate later, you would always know how to love yourself and those around you.

That, was the best thing, and the most important thing that I have learned from my boyfriend, Justin. Who had given me the best fish in his life, rid of bones.

So I say to you, and to myself, it's ok to be single again after a long, or short, great intimate relationship. However it ended, you don't live there anymore - and we have a choice of taking with us, for the road trips to come, the best bits from that ride.

* Justin left me and his family after a bike accident in October 2011. Many friends have asked me on how and what do I do to cope with my loss. The above is my answer to that. Yes, the fact remains that I have lost my soulmate and most important person in the world but I never in a day of my life now forget what I have gained from my relationship. I have gained a life, a life full of love, and a hunger for knowledge and compassion for the living.*

Letter one hundred and ten - the days go on

2012-01-04T17:21:00.003+08:00

Dearest J,

I've stopped counting the days when I write here. Can't say that counting the days make me particularly cheery so yea, I stop. The 'distance' can only get longer, as we get older, pages turn yellower...

Last month's Bali getaway with the gang was really fantastic. Here's a photo of me chilling at the private villa we stayed in, Bodhi Villa, at Payangan, Desa Bukian, near Ubud.

....this letter was left hanging for days. Won't attempt to finish it for the sake of it. Till my next letter...

Miss you lots,

Overhaul

2011-12-20T02:28:00.000+08:00

It has been a whirlwind of self-doubts and an overdrive of soul-searching, last two days. It's like an extended period of over-analyzing and over-thinking about my singing.

The FBI show at No Black Tie came and went, I had a decent turn out for a weeknight performance, according to Evelyn herself.

The stress I went through for the gig was nightmarish, with it I walked away with a few expensive lessons. Things that I think I should have the wisdom to see it coming, having been performing for years - I should have had the brains to prevent them but no. I guess better late than never having learned.

I under estimated the workload for a performance with such little rehearsal.

I learned never to put up a show with 95% new material being performed for the first time. Not when there is only one rehearsal, not when the music director is going through a peak period of work.

I learned to take smarter risks, if I were to venture out of a comfort zone of my voice & singing for a show, I will need to invest more rehearsal and workshop time. In fact, I think I would, and I should for now, stick to what suits my voice best for now - jazz standards and Shidaiqu, until I get better at them, I should not venture too far away from the genres.

I should never go on stage until I have carefully considered my talking points in between songs - rambling away is not cool, however much my friends love me, there will always be a stranger or two in the audience who's watching my performance for the first time.

So yes, anyway, the clock doesn't turn back for anyone or anything, I can only look forward and move on - and it's up to me to make things better for the future.

Action plan:

Increase the amount of high-focus rehearsal time spent on every new song

Work with a metronome

Learn productive listening to a recording or a performance

Look forward and just keep working, ranting should be kept to minimal.

Wandering mind

2011-12-11T02:49:00.000+08:00

It was a careless and harmless chat, with one whom I respect a lot. Puts a question on my table, in my head, on my plate.

Just how much happiness can a single person stomach? A single, unmarried, not-romantically-attached person.

Our conversation forced me to examine my stand on being single and happy, am I really THAT happy?

I can cross my heart and hope to die that each time I experience true bliss, it is 100% genuine and unadulterated. Lately my bliss has been coming in forms of `humble-grandeur' (absolute oxymoron?) like standing at my kitchen counter and watch Thursday eat, or stroking and talking to her after being out for days, watching the sunsets or traffic and night lights from my flat, or tasting every strand of salad in my mouth, or buying a new book...or looking into the mirror to admire how wonderful a new secondhand dress look on me..., etc.

Am not complaining, not yet. These experiences are by no means, very private activities and I feel incredibly sensual experiencing them.

I just wonder how good it will all last. I still miss sitting next to him watching whatever documentary he was watching and complained that I really need to take a shower. The sofa now looks empty without him there playing on his Airbook, but it's been so long now since anyone lie on it to play on a laptop...time does really do things to you. It makes you adapt to new routines, new habits, it makes you get used to things, like being alone and no one answers you back.

Anyway I told my good friend agrees with me that each to his own, it's possible to have a perfectly grand life staying single. He just thought maybe I'd spent time thinking about having options. Options of other than being alone.

I have thought about expiry date. I said to my friend that I hope I don't look to him as a woman who looks about to expire and who needs help.

Speaking of expiring...thank goodness for my dream job that always keep my soul in check, intact, and what do I know, with that, I even got an offer (just last week) and access to free skincare products. While making baby step effort to maintain what's left of my calendar, thank heavens also to wonderful writings such as this one: Creativity in Beethoven and Coltrane, by Brad Mehldau.

And now it's good night and cheers to early mornings!

Letter one hundred and nine - Day four hundred and twenty-seven of your vacation

2011-11-30T05:32:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

I am deliriously happy. Wish you were here to watch me glow.

I bought a painting I adore a lot, it took some time to become mine but it's her now in our home.

The songs I wrote for you are done, I only need to grow in them and wear them out this coming Dec 14th at No Black Tie.

Here's a photo of Goldfish on its temporary wall - our room. It's going to go on the living room wall.

It's by Mun Kao, you will like him too.

The first song I worked on for you started last year, with Saidah in one sitting, we came out with a pretty good structure. It was left in the drawer for close to a year until October this year...Saidah and I met up again and it's finally done. It's so beautiful and it's about us, and freedom and about eternity.

Then in November, or maybe it was sometime end of October I wrote another set of lyrics for another song - I thought I was going to write the melody as well but that didn't go so well so I asked Cher Siang to write the music for me. He drafted something for me middle of November and it's so pretty. Today we met up and I think we got it, it feels natural to me to sing it now, after Cher Siang adjusted the key and worked out the timing with me.

The song starts with a lament of a restless heart and a moon brightly lit in the sky. It's an uplifting song though and till today I didn't have a title that I like for it yet. But just a few hours ago I came up with a decision, it's going to be named Your Song. Cher Siang titled the email subject as Your Song when he first sent me the recording of the melody (with his singing). I told him today that I don't have a title for the song yet and asked him to help me think of one.

But when I came home I remember the first time you ever played a song for me was Elton John's Your Song. You sat at your old house's verandah with your guitar and sang me that song, I stayed the night at your place years and years ago...before we were even lovers. Soon after that I remember I cut my nails short because you were going to teach me how to play the guitar.

Don't worry that I seem to be talking all around you, or that my life now still seem to be a one big consequence of you...am very well. Most of them am very very happy because I am focusing on doing things that make me really really happy.

Though missing you is a bit painful.

The other time am spending it on singing and singing, learning how to dance, visiting Mama and take her out sometimes, reading, go out on a date with myself (very lovely experience I find), planning on travels, talk to my sister sometimes, cooking...

I just found this song by Katie Melua and I now think she writes the most beautiful lyrics, comparable to John Lennon and Paul McCartney. I love the lyrics, as much as I love her Nine Million Bicycles. Also, apparently she is a member of an astronomy club, how cool is that - like us...members of the Astronomy club in MNS...

I'd Like To Kill by Katie Melua

I'd love to kill you with a kiss*
I'd like to strike you down with bliss
I'd like to tie you up in knots
Until your heart stops

I'd love to kill you with a glance
I'd like to put you in a trance
I'd like to drug you with my scent
And use you in the moment

I'd love to kill you while you eat
The pleasure would taste so sweet
I'd like to open up your skin
And wander there within

I'd love to kill you by a stream
When no one can hear my baby scream
And then I'd run away and be freeThe sweetest victory

I love to watch you in your sleep
Cause you don't have power over me
And when you're awake I'm undone
Under your spell - in hell

Much love,

B

Letter one hundred and nine - Day four hundred and seventeen of your vacation

2011-11-20T11:57:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

I think I am doing something right about some of my fears, one of the most pressing one is to face my fear of music theory.

It reminds me of how it's like for me in swimming. I have a fear for not being to touch the ground beneath my feet in water. I can swim badly, but I cannot float. The fear for drowning looms over my head whenever am anywhere near deep water.

As I left the keyboard you bought for me the other day, another miserable failed attempt to play the melody line on a lead sheet - I told myself there was more than just incompetence in that attempt, there was also an emotional fear/phobia lying in there. 50% of the time I tried recognizing the notes on the sheets, 30% of the time (without realizing it at first) I spent telling myself this music is hard, 20% or more was sheer frustration...ok, I think I should credit myself that I sat there for more than 15 minutes, trying.

For the first time I asked myself, if I could understand how this fear and phobia works - maybe I can take it away more efficiently? There have been enough number of reliable sources telling me that it isn't rocket science, and that many people did learn how to play and read after just weeks of learning. Well, Saidah even told me that she witness someone learned it after three lessons with Michael Veerapan.

But anyway, maybe I will find a few minutes later today to read up on phobia and such...after I have lunch at your house with Mama.

I have made appointment with Cher Siang for a class tomorrow at 3pm. He will teach me how to practice, he will teach me all I need to know to remove myself from my illiteracy in music, provided that I co-operate and work hard.

Thought you might like to know that I am doing something about it. I never forget that you had wanted me to be able to read music, and play some piano.

I miss you very much, not all the time, just when the thought of you comes round...whenever.

Lots of love,

B

Seeking, and living

2011-11-12T11:59:00.006+08:00

It's like I've let open the tab of 'soul-searching water'...

One morning I woke up, while cleaning my face and inspecting the condition of my eye allergy in the mirror I was suddenly humbled and grateful for being able to see, to have eyes that function.

Other days I spent saying grateful thanks in silent to things like high speed internet, clean running water, electricity...capitalism, etc. Am not sure what brought about this kind of reflective mode in me recently.

But I know this feeling has been lingering for a year now. I suspect, my strong conviction is that it's my `reaction' or response to my new status as a single person. Maybe, I just thought of it now, maybe this is a self-protection mechanism that I have developed, subconsciously - to shield myself from potential feeling of loss and fear of being alone.

There have been many moments of feeling of great vulnerability too. They just come, and am getting used to finding different ways to overcome and step out of the pool. The feeling of "yes, I am really really really on my own Now."

It's about losing that `fall-back-plan'. You know that feeling of "Oh I have to tell him this, at least I'll know what he thinks of this.", and "It's ok, am going to get him to help me with this.", or "Well no worries, he'll fix this when he comes back later." , "..what a mean experience, but I can coo in his arms later and he will make everything better..", the list goes on.

Then I think about other people, ok, am really ok I think. There are people, ok, some women who will not survive say, picking up the pieces and get on having an independent life.

So compare to that, am really ok. Just those spurts of moments of vulnerability.

I also realise that what I saw in my head, that vision I saw last year, a day before his funeral. There was an exact moment in time when I decided that the singing will continue and that I would take it to a level that surpass what I am before.

A year later I feel that I have gone to a different level with my singing and that what I saw in my head has happened. This is as close as to case of what people say, your will will make things happen, make a wish and it may just happen.

Letter one hundred and eight - Day three hundred ninety-eight of your vacation

2011-11-02T00:25:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Been raining a lot here. I have been on a perpetual high since the song-writing project came back onto the horizon. I have left it stagnant since last November.

Now it's a bit like my `sensory buds' are heightened, I look at everything with renewed interests, I have a notepad with me everywhere, sometimes I would record my stream of thoughts on my iphone, passages that I envision to be part of lyrics to perhaps another new song.

Also, am going out of a many-year drought of public gigs. With the Sep 28th outing at No Black Tie still fresh in my mind, am planning two new ones - Nov 5th at The Scot's (a bar in Jaya One) and Dec 14th at No Black Tie again!

Wish I could see your reaction when I tell you this: this feeling of being truly, really alive, and creating something by myself is the first for me. We have had many moments of real bliss before but I want to tell you that what am feeling now is something else - just the thought of working towards and finishing an original song is absolutely thrilling...beyond words.

I guess am left with a lot of time and space to explore this person I have inside...we used to define each other through our love and support in each other's work. Now that we're not together anymore there is a need to further explore, and maybe am find new definition for myself.

While I dwell on my blissful high of being a `song-writer' or wannabe-songwriter - I wonder about my role as a daughter and as a friend to the rest. The depth of a personality, I imagine, must be greatly reduced if the person is only concerned with the trivialities of being an artiste without wearing other hats.

....getting very sleepy. Resisted going to watch Cher Siang and gang at No Black Tie tonight. He made me a really nice set of dinner last night after our rehearsal for this Saturday gig. Not that cooking well is an obscure skill or artform, just that I sat there at the dinner table looking down at our simple, and yet elaborate dinner - realising that he is truly such a mature being and my admiration for him grow.

That a person who take great pains in doing something well as an artiste, would also invest in doing other things well - simple things like cooking well, and reading plenty to enrich his mind. As I ate slowly at his table I was greatly inspired to grow into a better adult...simply by taking better care of my basic welfare like eating when I need to, and sleep when am tired.

And try to read more books.

And spend more time listening to recordings.

My Ipoh aunt passed away on Sunday morning, she was 91. Sister and I drove up to Ipoh to be with her kids and my mom. It was very nice to spend time listening and talking to sister. We checked into a small but very nice neighborhood hotel for the night.

My Magic Flute conductor Brian Tan also passed on this week. Peter and I will go to his last service this Thursday at his house before the cremation on the same day morning. I would know the way to cremation very well, it's also at Nirvana Shah Alam.

Have finally put some use back to the gorgeous Harman Kardon soundsticks you bought for me. They have been left out in the dust since I signed up for Unifi and the configuration to sync with my desktop was gone. I cleaned up the gadget and moved the speaker set into the study and hook it to the iMac. The effect is beautiful.

Will go to bed soon. Slept early last night and had a good day today, because I could get up early and not feel out of sort.

:)

Love you!

B

Heaven and Hell

2011-10-24T23:28:00.000+08:00

I was feeling almost reptile-like, a cool-head, clear mind thinking person a day ago. But a day later I am overwhelmed by so much emotions that I almost laugh out loud at the absurdity of life.

You know that feeling of sheer helplessness that contort your face into a frown and a bitter smirk?

I fed Hussein this evening, I stood outside his house watching this creature chew on rice and bones and truly miss him all over again. That sharp-knife wave of sadness always get to me every time I look at Hilary and Hussein at his place. I feel very sorry for the cat and dog that he who used to talk to them and play with them is not around. On other side of the thought, I am very grateful that J's family never fail to make sure the animals get their feed everyday, even when they are away.

Alex and I sat in silence long enough to register our inner thought, after I brought up the Marco Simoncelli accident over dinner. The bike crash tragedy made front page of The Star today, replaced the original story of Dama's end of the In Perfect Harmony concert run. I was sipping champagne last night after the show when Glenn from The Star told me about the horrific death of Simoncelli at 2pm yesterday.

As much as I'd like to know more details on the Italian rider accident, I guess I couldn't read it in front of Alex. Anyway he took the paper from me and read the coverage nonetheless. His left leg is in a cast, he fell from his bike last week, now fresh out of an ankle surgery. He showed me the x-rays and told me he will be on leave for the next six weeks.

Just minutes before that, I lied next to Mama listening to her updates on relatives. I haven't been to the house for weeks since the Dama run started. A thick cloud of guilt swept over me as I lie there listening to the updates on everyone. The elderly circle is full of a gradual escalation of health deterioration of sorts. Inside of me, the guilt of being busy was eating me in large bites. I could see that I have a role in this family, I am meant to be the daughter they didn't give birth to - the desire to spend more time with his mom and Mama is very great.

I had very urge to leave the house at once so I could be alone to deal with all the emotions. So I distracted myself with two large bowls of ABC soup and rice...the TV was playing Shaw Shank Redemption. Tristan was running around playing with everything.

Less than a day ago I was full of concern over my own doubts and feelings. Right now am in funky mix of weariness and anticipation. There's never going to be enough time to do everything that I want to do, to make things right, to feel right.

When I left my flat earlier to drive over to his house, I was happy that the skin on my face can finally breathe freely without a trace of make-up. Then I remember how he used to remind me that I look very good to him when am without any make-up. I look into the lift lobby mirror at my sallow skin and dark eye circles that scream attention, I guess tonight is the time for some private indulgence of very serious sentiment - missing him.

I've been so busy with life, the life am making without him. Guess I have earned the right to now sit here, to do nothing and just miss him.

Letter one hundred and seven - Day three hundred and seventy-seven of your vacation

2011-10-12T14:23:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Oct 3 came and went. I had the most wonderful day, busy running here and there - the way you like. Nell, Peter and I went to the Assumption Soup Kitchen to help with the work. Then SeeMing and Max came later, and Chelsia arrived late - just in time to join us for lunch at Raju's. Grace and Eng Eng were there too.

I had the most wonderful day, it was filled with food, eating, singing (I sang at Pavilion for a preview event for Dama Orchestra show), and friends, and your family.

Sep 28th outing at No Black Tie was a complete surprise for me, I was overwhelmed by the number of people who came to see me sing. I knew that the booking was very full days before the show but I didn't think all of them would turn up and more would go to the door to try to get a place in. And the most amazing thing for me was that people stayed till the end, some of them standing. And my Dama gang stayed outside at the bar to listen to me.
pic by Brandon

To say that I was touched and moved is an understatement...in fact till today am still finding ways to thank you these people.

pic by Horng Yih

The run-thro before the show was stressful, my songs were obscure and new to us. But we stayed together during the show and I was energized by how much I wanted to give to the songs and their meanings. It was a very good birthday for Susheela. I may even say it was totally orgasmic.

Evelyn has offered another slot for me this coming December 14th. I want to sing songs that you like. Am making the list now as I write.

Of course, then there was the over 3-week long downtime of the iMac. Peter helped me carried it in to Machines on Sep 14th, they changed the hardrive for me. When it came back, it wouldn't work after I restore the data onto it from time machine. The technician was on leave for over 10 days so I just lived out of my iPhone for emails and put all my paperwork on hold till...Oct 10th. Somehow after that the time machine acted up and wouldn't work. This morning I had to call for help and had it reformatted. It's now backing up my data from scratch.

There's your data still on this baby, not sure if I can access it but I guess I will leave them be. Then there's your blue jeans still hanging at the back of the door in our room, I haven't moved it since you last wore it and left it there.

Am going to work on something exciting for my music.

As you can see, since you left, the last 12 months have been a whirl wind of activities for me - mostly music and mostly, quite thoroughly - good things.

Brandon says this is the universe's way of checking things in balance. I told him I thought this is all like a sick barter trade for me - nature took you away from me and has given to me in place of you, all these things - the sing-song things, the travelling, more sing-song. I told my audience at No Black Tie that years ago when you first became smitten with me, you told me that you just want to see me sing, you just wanted to help me sing more - because when I sing, you could see that I was so happy.

Well baby, you just did that. Exactly what you'd wished for.

Much love. Miss me lots,

B

Letter one hundred and six - Day three hundred and forty-seven of your vacation

2011-09-12T01:55:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Felt particularly aimless last night and tonight, right after my gigs while driving home. The feeling was like I felt like going somewhere, meeting someone, doing something - but I didn't go anywhere else other than home, didn't go meet anyone because I didn't feel like meeting anyone other than you, and didn't feel like doing anything if I wasn't going to meet you.

The aimlessness came from, I don't know if the feeling is loneliness? It seems odd that I would feel that because I thought that going around, in and out of shows, and going home alone have been something most natural to me... I always have something to look forward to the next day - after a show. I always have yet another something to do the next day, the next week, the next hour, when I get home, etc.

Just that in between that something coming up next, my next appointment, that next show, next rehearsal, etc, I don't have you in between - to distract me like you used to. Remember how I used to complained that I had to go to bed late because with you around, I couldn't just sit there at my desk and finish a piece of work and hit the bed....

Thats'w what you used to complain too, you didn't get to sleep early when you come round. You would watch TV while while waiting for me to get off my PC, or you'd finish your book and am still not done - or we would stay up late just talking so much before you look at the clock and screamed the time.

These days I have Thursday around to stop me from my track at home, sometimes I just stop whatever I'm doing, to play with her, pat her or comb her hair, mostly I just stop to watch her. She still doesn't purr, or meow.

A few months ago Michelle emailed to tell me that she would like to dedicate a new soap she was making to you and I, named Songbird, a soap to represent freedom, childlike hope and optimism for the future..and the joy of noticing the relishing the present. I finally met with her at a weekend market and got a whole bunch of soaps for myself and some friends. Here you go, it's our soap and it's square, the way you like it.

In her words...

For scent, I'm thinking of blending the sharp, fresh and outdoorsy scents of pine, eucalyptus, cypress, and perhaps bergamot for a light citrusy-floral note. For colouring, I'm thinking sunrise over a field or forest - so the bottom will be a muted green, while the top of the soap will have swirls of orange and yellow clays.

It's a very busy time for me here. I haven't been allowed the time or leisure to sit there and count the days to your anniversary. Though a week ago I made a FB page for you. Many people have since then left many stories on the page.

Ok, I have sat here long enough, the feeling of loneliness has long been drained out. Now it's just tiredness and anxiety for tomorrow. I need to work all my dance numbers - much work is needed. I need to sit dow and work on all my talking notes for my NBT show. I need to...many many things. See, am that busy. Given that, you don't have to worry if I would stay lonely for long ok, there are always things to do, places to go, people to see, songs to sing.

And maybe, I do enjoy feeling lonely and missing you every now and then, my little pockets of indulgence in my sweet misery.

Our soup kitchen in 2003

2011-09-08T14:02:00.001+08:00

Was updating the FB page with details of Justin's soup kitchen outing for Oct 3, meant to give some little background information about our involvement in soup kitchen work - got carried away and wrote too much. So I post the entry here, full length, rid of guilt of being too long-winded.

Back in 2003 (if am not wrong), Justin and I spent close to every single Sunday of the year volunteering for the KL chapter of Food Not Bombs soup kitchen, at Bukit Nanas.

In the mornings Justin would drive us down to a few wet markets in KL to collect unwanted/discarded/leftover vegetables and fruits from the vendors there. Then it's off to the Food Not Bombs kitchen in Bangsar Utama (Hishamuddin Rais' flat) to drop off the food collection for the cooks.

Then we head home to Justin's place to have lunch, etc. By then his maid back then (Cina from Indonesia, she is very very much missed and loved) would have started cooking huge batch of white rice in his kitchen. Cina then load the rice into two huge ice boxes.

By 5pm we load Justin's family car with the rice, all the recycled utensils. We head back to Bangsar Utama to collect the rest of the food - menu usually consists of vegetarian lentil soup with the vegetables we collected in the morning, cut fruits, and sometimes sandwiches.

(at some point we started a fundraiser for our expenses, to buy cooking oil, finance other things, medication for the homeless, etc - we would drive around town to collect unwanted clothes from donors and sell them nice and cheap outside the Bukit Nanas church after Sunday morning mass. Our sale was always a hit)

By 545pm we would arrive at the Bukit Nanas serving place, behind of Museum Telekom and outside of the big Cathedral Church. Volunteers set up tables and lay table cloth. The bee line for food is very long, all the way to the main road. Cina and I would serve the food, along with other volunteers. Justin would mingle, and catch up with his regular addicts.

Most of the people showed up for food are/were drug addicts, homeless people on substance. Some were just some lonely souls who wanted some company to eat and talk to on a Sunday evening.

We would then take turns to clean the plastic plates by the side of the walkway where there was a public tap with running water. Cina would always pack a few plastic stools for us to sit on while washing up. By the time we pack up everything into the car and watch everyone slowly dispersed, it's close to 8pm. Sometimes Justin and I would go for a quick meal with some of the volunteers in a mamak nearby before we head home to his parents.

We got very burnt out after one whole year, we dropped out of the volunteer group. Justin didn't want to go back because he was really more interested in helping the addicts rehab. He had a few major efforts that didn't really work out in the end but he changed the condition of a few person's lives for a good few months. Some of those he helped eventually passed away due to illness and exposure. Anyway, his chapter in his rehab work with these few addicts deserve a much detailed entry and I'm not even sure if I would do the stories' justice with whatever memories I have of them.

Those Sundays in the year of 2003 will always have a special place in my heart. We poured our sweat, tears and blood into the simple work of providing a meal to some people in town...I doubt the changes we made were anything significant and am sure many of those friends I met back then are still out on the streets. Maybe many have died out, I hope some of them found better place.

(Justin with one of the friends we met back then at Batu Arang, a rehab centre)

I will find time in the future, to scan more old photos (when I find them) from those days of serving to share here.

Clouds and Silver Lining

2011-08-31T04:02:00.000+08:00

Am not sure where I got my trait of positivism from, I'd like to think that I've rubbed it off J. Am please to know that I have remained a person who always look for the silver lining on a cloudy day.

Life is wicked, it has its own funny, wicked way of teaching you things. Haven't you noticed that for those of us who walked away from a crisis, a predicament; or just simply, those of us who got shit on, but got out of it as a survivor, is stronger? And became stronger, a better, wiser person - have you?

Today has been a really productive day. A full productive day on first day of Raya.

Last year on first day of Raya, J and I took a long slow walk from Viva to KLCC. We have done that kind of walks many times before, at other places. We are lovely that way that we both enjoy the serenity of just walking, looking at the streets and places at a speed we don't see when we're riding in cars or on bikes. Sometimes we hold hands, sometimes we talk, sometimes he walks ahead and sometimes I lead. He bought me some new books at Kinokuniya in KLCC and we had some tea at the Harley Davidson shop in the mall. It's just so nice to have such memories to embrace on Rayas.

Spent the whole day out with Nell and Peter and gang. Morning open house at Zakri's, with Sushee and gang. I people-watched and devoured the great Raya delicacies there with an ease I haven't been able to find for days - given what have been happening in my head the last week. We hung out quite a bit, played with Zakri's godsons and just chilled. Next stop we moved to F Sulaiman's open house. I continued to eat while Peter and Nell watched me eat and chatted. I sat at a table full of ballet dancers/teachers/ex-dancers, etc, totally enjoyed myself in the world of ballet conversations. We stayed till it was dinner time...

Drove over to Peter's to allow him 5 mins to change into something more friendly for casual dinner with TP's mom and gang. Tania and mom, TP and mom, and her friend, TP's brother. Social catching-up couldn't get more productive than today's itinerary. To top it off, we dropped into Zal's after dinner to check on her new born and to fill her in on what's been happening outside of her confinement.

Anyway, back to the starting subject of the entry. Recent happenings at rehearsals have been a rich journey of character-building and learning process. There have been days when I doubted the choice I made, I weigh on the pros and cons of my decision and try to find all the positive grounds in it.

Amongst some of the rather profound ideas that came up in conversations today :) -

Ego can build a person, can kill it too.

Don't let your ego play its tricks on you, it can bring about a lot of unnecessary stress and really, a waste of our time.

Understanding our insecurities help...

Knowing what's important to us help...

It's a nice feeling knowing what your next move is. I am looking forward to another week of unknown uncertainties, from the external - and knowing where my heart lies and where my head is.

Letter one hundred and five - Day three hundred and twenty-three of your vacation

2011-08-18T02:25:00.001+08:00

Dearest J,

I need to get myself a collection of Michael Jackson's music soon. Am hooked again :)

Went to the Science Centre yesterday to fetch Seeming and Max for lunch, with my sister on her 40th birthday. That was my first time back at the centre since you last brought me there, years ago. I always treasure the very special outings we had...I was the girl being courted at all the special dating places, the Planetarium, Science Centre, star gazing trips out with kids, bike rides in the rain, lecture dinner with Lim Kit Siang and hundreds of others, etc.

I had lunch with Mama today after a work meeting near your house. Took her out to my second work meeting at Tropicana City Mall. It was my first time out with her alone and having her walked around by herself while I sat with my clients. She was waiting for me near Starbucks on a common sofa when I finished. I took her shopping at Carrefour, bought Mama a wall clock, some potatoes and some candies. She packed me some newly fried shallots and garlic oil, I better be making more porridge at home and eat up the new stock of Mama's special shallots.

Took a nap in your room after we came home from shopping. Mama made me ABC soup and vege and eggs for dinner. Tonight was my first day away from rehearsal since I started rehearsing for the Thriller dance.

Am going through this entirely new experience of dancing at the moment for the October show. I haven't quite got a name for this experience yet. I go through a cycle of highs, intoxication, anxiety, frustration, stress in and out of the dance rehearsals. The good thing is, the frustration seems to be leaving the cycle, replaced by an increased amount of excitement and enthusiasm. The rehearsals are a new drug. I come home every night after 4 hours of dance/movement work, and about 90 minutes of chilling out at the Mamak store after rehearsal - that's about 5-6 hours outside - I sit glued to the computer screen, watching more dance videos for an hour or so, answer some work emails, widely alert and awake still. When I eventually make myself go to bed, I lie there, eyes wide open, going through the dance steps in my head...while every movement I make, lying there in my bed...stir up muscle ache.

I started off as all stressed out with the choreography given to me, worry that I can't catch up, worry that I get removed from the routine if I suck a lot, etc. I started getting attention from the choreographer in the third or fourth session of the dance rehearsals - both good and bad attention. Good thing is when he picks on me I will get corrected and that would stress me out to get better. Bad thing is I get so stressed out by the attention that I keep making the same mistake.

But something else took over me on Monday morning - after a Sunday rehearsal of 6 hours of dancing close to non-stop and getting picked on the whole afternoon - I was rather depressed. I went home with major body aches and not sure what to do. I think I managed to sleep.

Morning came and as usual, I lazed on the bed, answering emails from my phone and taking calls, etc. I watched the rehearsal videos again and again, running the steps in my head for hundreds of times. Finally at 11am I dragged my heavy body up and jumped straight into the Thriller routine.

My head was clearer, having visualized the routine so many times in my head must have helped. I did the routine by myself, far far from perfect but I did it, in time too. So I did it again twice before I had to jump in the shower and get ready for a client meeting.

And on Monday night rehearsal, I did so much better. That night David (the choreographer) finished the choreography for Thriller. I felt truly been lifted from hell to come back to earth, and in a very good place on earth. He told us that he believed that we (11 of us, whom had he hand-picked from the ensemble) can deliver what he has set out for us, and will do it well if we work hard between now and show opening.

I knew then all I needed was concentration and practice on my own to keep up. I wasted too much time by giving too much air time to my short coming as a good dancer. I still watched too many videos after I come home from rehearsal...am highly intoxicated by the thought of what I could become if I put in a lot of time in the dance routine.

I guess what has excited me must have been the thought of becoming something that I never thought I was capable of - to dance, and to keep up in a company of better dancers....in a fast paced song.

Am very far removed from my initial feeling of my involvement in this production, am in a very good place now. I still don't have any solo, my singing parts aren't measly but I don't really have any special moment yet but the high I get from the dance alone have surpluses all the doubts I had initially about staying in the production. I cling on to this high from dancing lovingly...enjoying every moment of it while it lasts.

I know you would be happy to see me like this too - like you always did, watching me get high on something for the stage.

I wish I will never feel lonely with all the passion I find around here. Well, I guess even I did become lonely in future, I won't let the fear for future spoil my fun now.

Love you lots,

B

Letter one hundred and four - Day three hundred-and-nine of your vacation

2011-08-03T02:33:00.002+08:00

Dearest J,

I was picking out flesh from a fried fish this evening to eat, at your place. Remembering how you used to do that for me, you would pick out all the fish bones first, and put the fish on my plate, rid of bones.

I want to live well because I was loved.

Your dad told me at dinner that they are taking a weekend holiday at the Sands, to watch Lion King, staying at the Sands Hotel. Mama told me last week that her passport was renewed because your mom was taking her to Singapore. I am so happy that your parents are making time to enjoy themselves, with Mama in tow. Alex and Yan also booked the Sands for the weekend.

Mama made lots of food for me for dinner, I had two helpings.

Over 300 days passed. So many occasions came and passed, where I wish I still have you to go to when I have doubts, when I need you to guide me through certain cloudy moments. I remember how sometimes you just look at me and smile, to say, "I also don't know any better."

Am in one of those moments now, really wishing you're still here to make me feel less doubtful.

But because I was loved, I shall march on.

Seeming reminds me recently to keep inspired by you, to do good in your memory.

Evelyn at No Black Tie finally sent me an email, two months later...to offer me a slot there this September. This is big for me. Am happy. Singing keeps me happy.

made Brandon take pics of me with piano

Much love,

B

Letter one hundred and three - Day two hundred and ninety of your vacation

2011-07-15T12:53:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Someone asked me this morning if I've thought of moving out of this place. I said no, I want to stay here. This is a good place. It lingered at the tip of my tongue that also because you had bought this place with me because you wanted to give me this home.

I played with Thursday in the hall for a bit, sitting on the white and pristine tea table. Sometimes Thursday reminds me of you, this senese of eternal innocence, what you two have in common. Not forgetting that she's mostly white, like you, always mostly in white teeshirts.

Things have been good with me, never a dull moment. I guess one can say, I have learned to get on without you pretty nicely. It seems that I have, or life has, filled up my void with all these exciting endeavours. We still talk about you a lot, these days a lot like as if you're still around, just around the corner, waiting for the next plane to come home.

I never saw the bikers since last year. My ears literally still turn whenever I hear a superbike near me. I saw a Repsol bike parked in town the other day, also orange colour.

A picture for you...this is my little corner I rented in The Wedding Hub as a little marketing investment.

Time to get off my chair and put on my `showgirl' face for tonight's gig.

Lots of love,

B

Letter one hundred and two - Day two hundred and sixty-eight of your vacation

2011-06-24T02:14:00.001+08:00

Dearest J,

I went to a concert tonight with Nell & Susheela. It was a very good performance and I love all the songs I heard on stage, most of them Chinese songs and I really sat there and concentrate on the lyrics and the music. But I thought of you many times.

I find whenever am having a good time, I think of you. Recently many songs make me think of you. It's as if that you have been re-incarnated as all the melodies and music of the world and this is how you'll stay with me, every time I hear a good song being played.

So as I sat there tonight in the darkened audience seat and getting all tingly because I love the songs I heard and you crept into my head...I decided that our romance has not ended.

Because I can feel `you' in many things, and me, the living one, me, I am alive and having all these experiences...and feel connected to you.

When I see a beautiful sunset, I feel a tinge of sadness that you're not here to watch with me, but I see you in the sky so I feel that we are at it together.

When I go to a good concert, I let myself drown in the sound and feel lucky that I get to be there where the music is - and that it was you who have placed me there at the first place - your passion was to see me happy and you did what you could to help be the singer that I want to be because when am singing, am most happy.

So this romance is not over because I do feel that all that I do, whatever that I do, you're there, in my mind.

Thursday got neutered yesterday. I got her back today from the vet...she has to wear a collar because the vet says she licks her wound. Poor cat had a difficult time adjusting to the world of...view from inside of a cone. She has settled down now, a few more days before I get to let her off, cone-free.

Sorted my income tax this month.

Going to bed now. Been sleeping late again a lot these two weeks...

Love you,

B

Letter one hundred and one - Day two hundred and sixty-one of your vacation

2011-06-17T02:15:00.001+08:00

Dearest J,

Had a fab day today singing, and singing. Was compiling all the conflict dates to submit to Dama for our next production. Yes, it's long since coming - I have auditioned and received an offer to be in their coming production of songs in concert. You would be happy for me.

While scrolling through all the old SMSes on my phone, I deliberately scrolled all the way back to Oct last year. I realised there are so many messages from so many of my friends, whose numbers I did not save in my phone address book. Back in those crazy times of Oct thro December, etc...I 'moved on' with lightning speed. I don't know how many SMS I received back then after your accident. Am reading these SMS now one by one, and saving all the phone numbers in my phone book.

This one jumped at me and made me stopped:

"Keep singing, Janet. He would like that. All the best, Surin"

You remember Surin. Our friend from MNS, we both last saw him at that wedding gig where he played guitar for my Malay song.

It's all connected. The singing kept me going and going. While close friends and family took care of me in many ways after you left - it is singing and music that keep me sane, and mentally in tact...what worked hand in hand with that was the memories of you.

And it was singing that got you to notice me, those many years ago.

Ok, enough about me, and me and singing - everything is seriously going great for me in the singing front. I am still very far from diva-dom and superstar status but everything is moving in good direction in the singing and performing department.

If you ask me who else is a winner, I'd say our kick-ass Mama. She just cope, I don't know how she deals with herself in her own private time but every time I see her, she is just great. She calls me a lot, just to talk to me or ask if I need food.

Don't think I have any clips of your voice or anything like that. I hope your voice stays with me.

Poster for my coming concert, 3 more weeks. Rehearsing for this has reminded me how much I have

always enjoy singing classical repertoire. I have had cold feet about singing the Mozart piece but tonight 's rehearsal was a breakthrough for me - not because I did exceptionally well, because I somehow got myself to really enjoy the sound, and the music, after all that many weeks of struggling and fear.

Had nice and quiet dinner with your mom, Mama, Yan & Tristan, Nell and Marina on your birthday. Alex and your Dad were out of town.

Ok, way way way past my bed time. Another busy day (I like busy) when the sun gets up.

Lots of love, missing you...

B

Letter one hundred - Day two hundred and fifty-six of your vacation

2011-06-11T23:40:00.001+08:00

Dearest J,

There's a lost ant on my table now. I remember one of your pet dislike is ants... This big black fat ant is going all direction, and not really going anywhere...looks lost.

I came home from dinner at your place. I fed Hilary and Hussein before leaving the house. Played with Hilary for a while. Tristan tried petting her but his pet was more like smacking her on the head and belly so she ran away from him. He is likely going to grow up to like animals, a more lucky urban boy who's allowed to touch animals.

Had a bad case of infection the night before I left for Phnom Penh, went out to see a doctor late at night. While filling up the hospital registration form, I had to fill out the `next of kin' column, I felt a bang of something in my stomach then because I couldn't put you down as my next of kin no more. I looked up my phone for my sister's mobile number and wrote it down on the form.

Here's a photo for you, taken at Phnom Penh's Russian market, by Kid Chan. I was there doing what you'd call, the Janet-thing, shopping, posing and shopping...

I was holding a zip shoulder bag made of recycled material.

It's going to be a full day tomorrow. Will end it with dinner with your folks, your dad and Alex are not around so it's going to be an all-girl outing, we are celebrating your birthday, eating together.

Missing you lots,

B

Letter ninety-nine - Day two hundred and fifty-four of your vacation

2011-06-09T11:29:00.003+08:00

Dearest J,

I've been quiet for a while here. I've had quite a good few weeks.

It's not a conscious thing but this soul-searching journey has been...for lack of words, I'd say it's been grand. If I have to say anything genuine and sounding spiritual (not me) now, I'd say that all I have now is the doing of your magical ways, your magical, loving hands and mind at work - "looking over my shoulder, looking out for me."

All around me, people dying and die, friends breaking up, friends broke up, people fighting, people crying. I really learn and remind to not take anything for granted. Everyday every experience becomes a heightened, vivid, vivacious sensation.

Ok, diary of my activities of two weeks:

I sang for a Chinese reality TV show for wedding planners, Ring Mission will be on air from this Sunday onwards, 8TV, Sunday 7pm.

Went to Phnom Penh for the first time, stayed at a fancy French hotel, Sofitel. Really worked on my French lyrics for La vie en rose before I sang the song at the hotel wedding fair opening party. The Phnom Penh Post gave me a big photo exposure on June 6th.

I helped Danny Lim with two of his interview outings at Jenjarom & Pulau Ketam. Translated Mandarin for him. Both outings were incredibly interesting and new for me.

Had a class with Cecelia end of last month!!

Cher Siang gave me a class in how to read music for singers. 20-min a day is what I need, he said. I get what I need now, just need to work out a learning mechanism to know the language well. If I keep at this, soon, I should be able to read music and sight sing any song...

Love,

B

Letter ninety-eight - Day two hundred and thirty-four of your vacation

2011-05-24T22:21:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Got a postcard from Gopi two days ago. He went on a holiday in Berlin. Another postcard for the fridge.

Thursday is sitting under my feet infront of the waste paper basket, preying on something behind the basket...I don't know what.

Am listening to a Thai jazz singer on the internet. Natasha Patamapongs. Went to listen to her last week at NBT with Vincent's advice. Beauty flowed when she sang her first note. I went to that gig to be inspired and I came out inspired.

I am going to see Cher Siang regularly (that's the plan at the moment) to learn sight singing, and reading. It feels monumental the night when I set the date for my first lesson. I know from here on it's up to me on how I want my music education path to shape...there's never a point to stop growing up for me.

I do feel a lot more grown up nowadays, without you to lean on for many occasions. I still use `you' to energize my mind sometimes. It's not hard to want to do something good just thinking of the good you done for me.

Went back to jazz class today, Ann started a new dance routine. The ankle had a slight swell after one and half hour of work but no pain or strain sensation. Sweating it out in that studio always make me so happy to be alive with healthy limbs.

Here's a photo for you, I was the sexiest front of house staff in KLPac a week ago. Nell had a great run of Cabaret. This one was taken on Melissa's iphone.

And, am going to see Cecelia tomorrow morning to work on my Mozart...and my breathing.

Mama calls me a lot these days, she would just call and see what am up to, if I need food or anything. I know she used to call you at work sometimes. I want to make a mental note to see her more. I also want to tell you how much I treasure, how she has taken into me so strongly...for someone who doesn't buy into fate and all, I truly believe that we are meant to be - you, me and Mama...meant to be darlings to each other.

Ok, I better grab more dinner and try to sleep earlier for my early morning class!

I love you, more than I even know...

B

Letter ninety-seven - Day two hundred and twenty-nine of your vacation

2011-05-19T11:00:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Two weeks' break from my letter to you. I had wanted to write you many times, but found I have nothing `good enough' to tell you - because as usual, in the past two weeks, I missed you too much.

No worries, am putting the misery of missing you into good use. I have been enjoying my times, just doing things that please me. Through the things I do for fun, I could see a lot of you in it. I stopped in a busy mall after running errands, and ordered myself a peanut butter wafer, and sat down to slowly eat it, reading the novel I had with me (the difference between you and I would be you DO finish the novel in a short time). Yesterday I stopped near your house to have late lunch alone, at the Kanna Curry House. The banana leaf rice was a good treat, and there were so many cats around to share the food with.

I had a good rehearsal with Cher Siang on Monday. He worked on my improvisation for the first time. I got him to help me try singing At Last in different styles. He asked if I like to sing with some of his piano students, I said Yes Of Course. I can't imagine not benefiting from singing more with different musicians.

Since Cabaret ended on Sunday, I have been on a tour of what I'd called, a pleasure trip of culture. Tuesday night I had French movies back to back from 7pm to midnight, with Seeming, TP and Peter. Last night I went to the Belle du Berry & David Lewis concert, and then to No Black Tie to watch WVC Trio. David Lewis' gang went over for jamming at NBT. Tonight am going to the opening of a Bars & Bedrooms at Actors Studio. I hope to catch two more French movies tomorrow night and one more play on Sunday.

There's something else eating me from inside, the need to perform. The need to work for a public audience grows stronger with every show I attended. Even though I work hard for my private function audiences, I realise that, to keep sane as a performer, I need to work on a concert. I need gigs. The last thing I did before I fell asleep last night was making a song list for that gig that I will organise.

Am sure it would be something you understand very well. These things we do to stay alive, not just merely breathing. You have your two wheels spinning under you, I have my songs soaring in my head. Now I have to release the songs from my head, and set them free. I will make a gig for myself.

With your blessing, this is going to be a great time for living.

Much love,

B

Letter ninety-six- Day two hundred and thirteen of your vacation

2011-05-05T00:47:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Missing you, mad. Have been feeling some and haven't told you about it...so here goes. It's dark, gloomy, nothing necessarily useful but it feels needed to be said, so I shall.

Real torture is holding back tears, a refrain from crying. I was starting to enjoy it a lot but my eyes started to react to it and couple with stage make up (and the removing of it), these eyes need proper rest and care.

I didn't expect it to get worse, I thought that with time, I ought to feel better in time. But now as the clock ticks and from 6 months going into 7 months and beyond, the missing gets worse.

On a day like today when I function incredibly well, almost more efficient than ever, organised as hell, rational behaviour and all that - when am in my corner facing my hot shower for the night, I feel quite close to a creature in a mental asylum, gone quite mad.

`Everything' is going so well, I am not incredibly busy and swamped with work, but busy enough...steady is the word. I feel well, I thought I do. This inner world somehow seems to a mad roller coaster of weathers. Am starting to guess, maybe am being suppressed by my rational mind. The minds tells me to behave, and reminds me there isn't any point and benefit in dwelling in this emotional state.

It's like, having the feeling that I haven't spent enough time, to hide away long enough, to just lash out with tears and all things grey. As if I haven't spent long enough time with the floods, stormy weather, raging waves...hence the sunny weather is looking to be short-lived. It's like someone who hasn't completely been cured off a bad case of food poisoning, now the diarrhea is looming near.

Feels as if I moved on too fast for my own good and now I face the repercussion of my speedy recovery, like someone who's gone on a crazy highly effective and fast diet and now face with the side effects of the diet.

Maybe I can go on a hideout trip again by myself, just to spend time missing you and do nothing else.

Until then, the sun rises everyday...some mornings here have been gloomy and very cool. I have been lonely. Just today I thought to myself, and asked myself to relax, and just enjoy it...enjoy and embrace single-hood. Wasn't I the girl who truly loved life a lot being single? - I reminded myself. Be that girl again.

Seems like a tall order, there were many unfulfilling dating experiences I went through. I was truly home when I had the wealth of you next to me. Imagine one who has gotten used to the luxury of a bed, a roof over a head, now one has to be out in the elements and embrace it.

All right, bed IS a pretty attractive option right now. Distractions and my rational behaviour aside, these are my darker moods when no one is looking, when am alone in our space, when I live in my inner world.

I think I will be fine. Maybe I have been taking something for granted, I tell people am good, well and fine all the damn time...sometimes I just don't know if am fine but that's the line to say, "Am fine. Thank you."

Good night darling.

Love,

B

Letter ninety-five- Day two hundred and five of your vacation

2011-04-26T19:41:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

205 days. I held your dri-fit pants to my heart last night and it was like holding you again, I felt no pain but the warmth of memories of you.

Some nights I lied in my huge bed in the Ubud hotel missing you badly. There were lots of fear about what lies ahead for me, all alone. I wait it out, there will be things to come along and take my worries away.

The getaway was fantastic. I enjoy travelling alone more than I had expected, it's like, travelling without planning. I make a turn when I want, I skip lunch when I want to, I stop and buy too much clothes if I want to, I swim in the rain when I want to. I walked slowly, I ate in the market with the locals, I talked to the hawkers, I learned everyone's names, and they asked for mine. I skipped most touristy outings, except one - I went out cycling in the village with 11 other tourists and one bubbly tour guide named Rinx.

Went to dinner on Jalan Raya and listened to jazz. Attended a book talk by Tony Maniaty on a Literature Night at this place called Bar Luna. Made friends with `expat-locals', Trevor who is English and `Cute-Ear' who is American, who reminds me a lot of Antares. There was Ana who is French and used to design clothing, I wish I gave her my card to stay in touch.

Of course then there were the numerous Ketuts and Wayans whom I met on daily basis. Such gentle people. I felt very safe going around alone throughout the trip. The street animals were lovely. I kept going round trying to feed them because there are some very bony ones.

Show you a few shots of what I took here...

this is a fat one :) on Jalan Hanuman

a skinny one I met on Jalan Gootama. I ordered some rice to be prepared for this fella at a newly opened cafe (My Warung) and this little fella ate up all the chicken bits in seconds...

a pretty one, on Jalan Monkey Forest, saw her on my first night there.

a special one, on Jalan Monkey Forest. Saw him/her on my first night out too. I bought a small tuna bun from a shop and gave it to her/him on the pavement, it ate it without getting out of this position.

Took mom to your house again today, needed to pass some zippers to Mama for her homemade bags. My mom squatted in the living room and looked through the photo albums of you. I showed her the photos of your bike trip to Loas because she asked to see them. She also commented that you looked like you had heaps of fun during one of your company retreats. "Destiny's in our own hands." She said, not sure what prompted it. I guess she meant we are all responsible for our own happiness...

Am 34 now. I surrounded myself with friends on my birthday, I know they had wanted me to be reminded that I have a lot of love around me. I cannot help still, to still feel incredibly alone without you. When I don't think about it then it feels better. But anyway, today, with my mom next to me in my car - I had a thought: am 34 now, soon 35 comes...I have to make this year a very good one. I have even more to achieve without you in tow, I can only try to make up the absence of you here, with things to do.

It's just going to be a fabulous year. Will live for the two of us.

Alison Murugesu-Ghani sent me this lovely poem...

Poem sent by Enid Martinez, read at Ghani's Memorial on 22 Apr 2011

You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived,
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

love you lots,

B

Letter ninety-four- Day one-hundred-and-ninty-seven of your vacation

2011-04-18T02:49:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Louis the taxi guy is coming at 645am to get me to LCCT. I have booked a taxi pick up at the Depansar airport to get me to Ubud Inn. Went to bed at 430am yesterday, packing.

Spent the day with my mom. Though without my dad and brother there, I felt what I think is family bliss.

Started the day with some `cat house-keeping'. I cleared out Thursday's old litter and changed a new tray of fresh pine, washed the tray inside out. Took mom out to meet Seeming and gang. Ordered mom a vegetarian Bim Bap rice. A leisurely lunch with mom, Sim & Seeming, with Max in tow. I bought your mom a pair of old beaded slippers from the Amcorp market. Brought mom over to yours say hi quickly to the ladies. Mama was busy with MahJong but she spared us some minutes, we hovered around her home made bags and I bought a bunch for a few people, mom included.

Rushed over to sister's. The in-laws were there for the cake thing, Joel turns 3 tomorrow. Planted myself on her soft rug the entire afternoon, read my sister's article on her laptop, listened to mom and her talked, napped, woke up and eat some incredible egg salad. When Julius came home from teaching, we all head out to hotel buffet dinner. I came home after dinner to on with my own packing.

My sister's article is titled Growing Up In Malaysia. I read with awe and took my time to read and digest the details. It tells stories I never knew existed, I didn't know my family used to live in a home often flooded, and another where there was no built in toilet. Life were so different before I was born. Now I realised I hardly remember much of my family life before I was six...

My mom has spoken of the life of Dad's poorer times but I never really got to hear about the years before I came into existence in an organised fashion. There have always been decent home food for as long as I can remember - minced pork dish with pickled vegetables, fish, eggs, chicken and vegetables (which I didn't know how to eat then). Today I was told that dad and mom often had to complete a meal with just rice and soup from the noodles from take out - leaving my sister and brother to have the meehoon and noodles. Mom said when I was born dad gave her a budget of RM 500 for her confinement treatment, a grand luxury for them then, also probably something my dad couldn't afford during my siblings' time.

...and what kind of food my dad afforded for his working meals in the early days, etc. And what kind of family outings (very very rare ones) we had before I had a memory. Mom said dad would take me and my brother on his bike to the movie, my mom would have to bring my sister on her bicycle to get there. There was always a car in my childhood - I didn't remember anything about the pre-car days...now I know.

Though I have vivid memories of the type of singing games I used to play with my siblings. Brother was the `follow-spot' guy with a torch light. The stage was a room in the rented house we lived in (it had 5 rambutan trees!!), after you shut the only wooden window the whole room was pitch dark, you barely see your own fingers.

Am glad I have some stories to take with me to Ubud. Everything I own now seems like a big big gift from the past, from what my parents worked hard for. Everything will sparkle like magic. Funnily this morning I woke up, though with not enough sleep, I stared into the mirror after shower and was never more grateful for my body...I am not sure what came over me to have that feeling in that moment. I eyed all the scars and blemishes on my body with a sense of proudness and true love. I stared at my naked face in all its glorious dark eye rings and what not, and felt happy for myself.

This face, pretty or ugly, has survived and lived all these years. And was loved so much by you. You really like my face without any trace of make up. I love this face...exactly like this, because of what happened to it.

Ok, time to try some sleep before I get to LCCT.

Thinking of you, much love,

B

Letter ninety-three- Day one-hundred-and-eighty-eight of your vacation

2011-04-09T12:15:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Apparently in Switzerland the big bikes are very cheap, according to Karen. She works there now. She told me the Ducati there are only a few grands. Though I wish you had the time to travel round the world on your bike, am glad you took that Thailand to Loas trip.

Bumped into Vee at the Hokkien mee downstairs two nights ago, he was there with his wife. He said your gang have gone back to riding and they always toast to you whenever they meet.

Unifi is here now in Viva. I remember you tried applying it for us but they told you they don't have service here yet. Now many are on it. The guys came yesterday morning to install it, left only at 5pm. The internet was up and running in no time, most of the hours they spent here were the attempt to get the internet TV running, but not much help there - the channels are working sometimes and other times the connection goes.

Am working on printing more demo CDs to give out. Waiting for Paula to get back to me with quote and her design.

Going to get ready now for a gathering of the Starmaker Bootcamp alumni. Am getting quite excited about going away to Bali too.

Thinking of you,
Love,

B

Letter ninety-two- Day one-hundred-and-eighty-three of your vacation

2011-04-04T10:52:00.002+08:00

Dearest J,

Am looking for a word to describe this feeling but I don't have a word yet. This commitment I have towards Thursday. A feeling of commitment?

You know that since we moved into this new home that I have always pride myself to keep it clean and nice. And how I always made a fuss over our hair falling all over the place, and picking up after you. Well, with the cat around it has been impossible to have the place clean (the way I like it) for more than a day. I have had numerous conversations with myself about this...am I a person who is `big' enough to look past my little obsession in cleanliness, in order to accommodate to someone that I have committed to?

pic by Chelsia

I imagine if Thursday were a boyfriend, or any person - it'd be easier to rid of my property, for having intruded into my sanctuary of a clean space. Thursday is a cat, like you used to tell people, animals can't go out and buy themselves meals or that chicken thigh - so I talk myself into this plan, and I hope this plan works out.

The plan is I shall overlook my needs for `an-always-clean-home' in order to provide a home for Thursday, until...the day comes when one of us outlive the other.

Some days I try to imagine what my last 5 moths (Thursday came on board on Nov 17th) would have been have I not taken her in here. Am very sure she would have been adopted from Peter's, for she is an astonishing beauty, though an eccentric one. Her beauty have earned her a lot of attention, and many visits of guests to this home have to be credited to her...her bushy tail and that unique `Thursday-gaze'.

I haven't quite figured out how I will overlook my own needs (for a very clean house). But I tell myself maybe it would be like a meditation. Each time I walk into the flat that smell of her, and her `things', each time I clean up after her, etc - would be a meditation of the mind, and body.

Yea, so that's it. Just want to share how I feel over this thing with Thursday. What have I got towards her, am sure of what kind of love this is, I feel a sense of responsibility for her. I reckon it has elements of love and attachment in it too, for I could have easily given Thursday up for adoption - many people would love a beauty like her, strange as she is, she is bloody cute too, with a fierce amount of character.

pic by Chelsia

Chels singing to curious cat

Many people are drawn to Thursday, Zakri

On a separate note, it's been half a year since we last saw you. 6 months, half a year. Frighteningly fast how times leaves. It's still difficult to go to your room and look at your things on the shelf without feeling a pinch. I often nap on your bed there when I go over to yours.

I taught Tristan how to high-five last night. He seems like a pretty chirpy fella, I hope he turns out like you, always all smiles and positive. Your mom made heavenly good dinner last night, the ABC soup was perfection, simple stir fry chow-sum was very flavourful, steamed eggs in perfect texture.

Oh ya, so I got myself tickets to Bali, 5-day 4 nights. Booked a room in Ubud. This a little milestone, my first conscious effort in a holiday. Five days away just with myself. Am going to go with my second Ayn Rand's book and knock myself out. The sense of not knowing what am doing on the trip is bliss.

Streamyx here has been consistently down. Signed up for Unifi and it's being installed this week.

A video for you, from my gig last week. Chels, Brandon helped me with cameras. Daphne (emcee)'s manager, Joe too helped me video all my songs and dance.

Thinking of you.

Much love,

B

Letter ninety-one- Day one-hundred-and-seventy-eight of your vacation

2011-03-30T01:42:00.001+08:00

Dearest J,

I miss having you around and get to be told what to do when I go to you for direction, and advice. Even when you didn't have the answer to my questions you offered much wisdom.

So it was lovely to be told what to do, this time round by CK, to be exact. I had an impromptu `catch-up' lunch with him after my 3rd physiotherapy yesterday. I told him I want to go somewhere on a little, mini trip by myself. He told me to go Bali, he didn't suggest it, he told me to go Bali. He sat me down in Starbucks after lunch and told me, "The people in Bali will touch your heart."

Short while he told me to wait while he went to buy me a DVD of Eat, Pray, Love. "Watch it, and if you like what you see in the movie about Bali, book yourself the flights and then I will help you book your lodging there." he said.

I just finished watching the movie. I enjoyed it. I hope my ankle gets better by the time I go there.

A few more days and it will be 6 months since you left. I marvel at how fast time passes...it's odd how I feel like it's been a short time since we last kissed, but how long it's been since I had you there in my arms. Funny, both long time and short time ago.

The migraine is back, it's a daily thing now since about 5-6 days ago. Chels said it's likely due to lack of sleep.

So I should end this fast and go to bed. I had a much needed facial today, it was excruciatingly painful...my last session there was in August. It was good pain, now I feel cleaner.

Good night sweet.

Love,

B

Letter ninety-one- Day one-hundred-and-seventy-five of your vacation

2011-03-27T12:43:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Took Mama to a Hokkien play last night, I Am Not My Pimples. It was an impromptu move. I went to visit yesterday with this yummy carrot cake and stayed long enough to forget to inform the folks that I wasn't staying for dinner. Then we realised she was going to be all alone at home - your parents were going to a wedding dinner, Yan & Alex also had plans for the evening, out.

So I watched her gobbled down her dinner and got changed, jumped in my car and drove home. Thursday entertained Mama while I showered and got changed for the theatre.

Mama sat through the entire play (without intermission) wide awake, even though she couldn't hear much of what the actors were saying. She just sat there watching the play attentively.

While driving her into town in the sunset, BFM was playing The Pretenders' Don't Get Me Wrong, a happy song, you would call it. A tune that never failed to lift my mood anytime I hear it. It was an incredible blissful moment for me. You always liked it when I take Mama out on any `excursion'. It was just a simple moment of perfection, I felt. With the sunset in the horizon, I could see it from my car, the song and its beat going, and Mama next to me. We are your favourite ladies, in one car. The missing one was you but somehow the moment was complete because Mama and I are bound by you.

So the thought of you, stirred well with the sunset and the Don't Get Me Wrong song and Mama being alive and kicking next to me, driving along to a play, conjured the prescription of how to live the times ahead - have lots of fun. That was what you always prescribe for the both of us, to always have fun despite whatever.

I don't believe that when someone passes on the spirit or the soul stays. But at this moment I can see that the spirit of you, the fun person, emerging to remind me how to be, and live through that perfect moment in time.

Thank you.

Much love,

B

Letter ninety - Day one-hundred-and-seventy-two of your vacation

2011-03-24T02:22:00.001+08:00

Dearest J,

Zal and Fang said this picture remind them of you, whenever food is being ordered. Makes me cry and smile all the same time.

I went over to your house after my gig at Eastin, I finished early, nice. Even managed to sit down for a few cups of tea with Kian Yew before I went to yours. I woke Mama up from her sleep to hang out with me for a short while. She went to sleep early, it was just over 930pm.

Stupid Streamyx is down. Down down down all the way, since yesterday. Spent 30 mins on the phone with its call centre this morning, sure murdered many cells. I haven't quite overcome my phobia in talking to TM call centre folks. From the first second the conversation starts (if it gets started at all, sometimes the call just doesn't get picked up) my blood temperature steadily raises...it's something that I have yet to gain control over, my emotional reaction towards TM call centre staff.

A Simon called me during my hair appointment today to inform me of a few crucial facts about my complaint. He had the best intention to serve me and he was very initiative, I gave him a hard time all the way till just before I put down the phone, I said thank you very much to him and I appreciated his call.

I really hate the fact that I have no tech support now. The Astro has been suspended, I have prepared the letter of application to transfer account ownership but I haven't been down to send in the forms and letter.

This is a record month, you'd be proud of me. I don't think I ever had a month with 9 singing engagements. This is the month. I feel very good too, I can actually watch myself grow and improve as an `entertainer' and singer. I had one of those incredible amazingly smooth shows tonight, my party guests listened to me and responded to me, I was suave tonight, I can't believe it but I was, tonight.

Tomorrow am going to KL Sports Medical Centre for my second session of physiotherapy. I hope to do all I can to speed up the recovery. An ankle out of shape it's incredibly troublesome and limiting. I can't do any sort of work out...unless I just move my upper body?

Cher Siang just moved into the neighbourhood. Rehearsals with him now is so convenient, a 5-min drive. Am happy to tell you that he has invited me to meet him more to have him help me with music. I just read his blog and looking back at mine, am really ashamed to compare (I shouldn't).

I `meet' the world out there through his blog entries, I see the world view by reading his thoughts and experiences.

Here what I report is how I feel, what I do, what I want, what happened to me...etc. The theme is me, me, me. Why is this so? I thought about it and I think there are a few reasons:

Because I hardly travel
Because I don't read the news
Because I don't read enough
Because I meet the same people all the time
Because I do the same things all the time
Because my routines are similar....I maybe doing different things everyday and different from week to week but they are essentially the same thing: quote clients, invoice them, set up new song lists, set up rehearsals, hang out with close friends, pick a dress for a show, send dresses for alteration, go to A Cut Above, pick up dry cleaning, fussing and getting anal over how clean my floor is, go to theatre and watch a play, meet clients, research and learn new songs...go to Singapore to watch a play...

Maybe, I don't know for sure what would help, I wish you were here to guide me out of this rut...maybe I should do things like:

Make a picnic for myself at KLCC park
Go to Chowkit night market at night
Spend a weekend off work in Shanghai
Visit parents in Taiping
Spend two days just hibernate and read some books and cook
Go swimming
Drive to Melaka and eat the roadside popiah that we shared
Go to singing class
Go to visit a Dangdut club
Visit PAWS?
Make a trip to Bangkok, alone...or Chiang Mai?

I still don't think am thinking outside of my box yet. Maybe I will talk to Seeming. She said she read recently that to stay creative, one needs to do something one has never done, on a weekly basis.

I miss you a lot. Zal reminded me that I was damn loved (by you), and I had a good 8 years. I will have to spread this thin - this wealth of our 8 years, to spread it thin and use the memories of 8 years sparingly, to last me for all the months and years ahead of me.

Life is precious. Death is too common, and cheap. It has always been the case, people dropping like flies. Last week while waiting to see the orthopedic I picked up the papers and opened to one page, staring at me were two obituaries - one of someone I used to chat with online, a hi-bye friend who fascinated me with his wisdom, and the other one belonged to friend of a friend.

These days you get the news first via Facebook. Who dies and who has jumped off a building, or dying of something. If people here start to hire singers for funerals, I'd have a busier time.

I think I would love to sing at funerals. I see lots of happiness (and stress) at wedding gigs, I share people's moment of joy and bliss - and I would like to be part of someone's grievance too. With your departure I have experienced something deep and intense and therefore, I would like, if I can, to continue to experience this deep emotion with others.

If I sing at funerals, would I want my singing to cause more crying? Or would I want people to forget their misery for a short time and trench themselves in music? I don't think singing torch songs is appropriate...well, this would be a good research topic for me - good choice of songs and music for funerals.

It's so late now. I shall end here and treat my precious life to a good shower and maybe a snack before I hit the sack.

I hope you would shed some wisdom, I know I will find some through the memory of you, soon.

Much love,

B

Letter ninety Day one-hundred-and-sixty-five of your vacation

2011-03-17T23:41:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

I came home today from Batu Gajah, Clear Water Sanctuary. It was a beautiful place, all green and water, you would have loved it there, great for your jogging.

Have been at my desk clearing work since I got home from a nice catch-up session with Helene, along with Seeming.

An email just came in to inform me, along with other sponsors of The Wedding Wishes, that Michelle Lee, the bride of the winning couple, passed on today at 645pm. Michelle & Oliver won the The Wedding Wishes early this year. She was a leukemia patient. Can't say I got to know to her better, we shared a dressing room the night I sang at the reception and she came across as determined and independent. A grieve sensation came over me as I read the email twice over...imagining what Oliver is going through now.

While at the resort the last two days, Nell and I watched over and over again the movie of Anna And The King in our chalet. Large part of the movie was filmed right next to the resort and the pitiful ruins now stand as tourist attraction, still. The resort runs the movie in its in house movie channel round the clock. One of Anna's line in the movie sticks in my head, "Life is precious."

The gig at the resort was a good one. The demo CDs were put to good use and hopefully they bring in good things. I sang Carmen as an encore piece and it went down well with the folks.

pic by Nell

After the dinner, after everyone has gone back to their chalets. Nell and I went next door to hang out with the florist folks. A question came to me innocently enough, "Is that your boyfriend I see on your Facebook page?"

That's the second person in one week with the same question. I haven't taken the photo of us off my profile since October. I don't really know what I want to achieve by having that photo on my profile all this time. Well, I think clearly I am holding on to you...whatever's left behind, photos, memories, etc.

Holding on. Yea. So on my profile people have been looking at us. Maybe I meant to show that you are me, and I am you - we are one and that's the way it is.

I was clearly upset by the incident. When Kiki asked me at the alteration shop while measuring me, I swallowed quick and I changed the subject quickly and diverted her attention to something else. When May asked me about the photos of us on FB, I changed the subject quickly, under Nell's watchful and concerned eyes.

Last week when Laksmi saw the framed photo of you and I on my desk, she asked if that's my boyfriend...and where were you. I had to tell her. When Kiki and May asked me about my boyfriend, with so many people around, I just want to escape. And now I dread the next time this same thing happen. I thought to myself today if I change the photo of my Facebook profile then this won't happen. It saddened me immediately, intensely at the thought of changing the photo, the pinch of pain was so intense and powerful, tears flooded. I realised I have not been letting go all this time. I stubbornly hold on to having that photo there...clinging on to you. Now I know it hurts to have to avert questions, and not knowing what to say to people who don't know.

"Am single now. He was my boyfriend. He is no more."

This is another step to take, very very painful. Owning up to my own demons that I didn't know were there lurking....Am going to change that picture, and then it's just me there. This is closing the door behind me and crawling ahead. I don't know if I can. Life is precious so I shall try.

This songbird misses its owner.

Lots of love,

B

Letter eighty-nine Day one-hundred-and-sixty-three of your vacation

2011-03-15T01:28:00.002+08:00

Dearest J,

Am going to a golf course resort in the morning, Clear Water Sanctuary Golf Resort in Perak. It's a working trip. Am listening now to its website's streaming of birds chirping sound..it has an instant calming effect on me, also help is the packet of Maggi mee in my stomach.

Was at Singapore over the weekend, had some most orgasmic moments eating delicious food there. My recent trips there feature some wonderful time with friends and food, other than theatre. Emily Of Emerald Hill was nice, an exhilarating experience sitting on my seat, watching the beautiful and clever set unfolds its beauty and functions on stage. I met the director Glen after. Brunch at the Botanical Garden was finger licking good. We decided to go there despite the rain, Peter ordered four types of pizzas for everyone - good stuff! We ate and watched a parade of dogs with owners running in the gardens after the rain stopped. The night before we over-ordered a long table of Asian food at Kopitiam at the Raffles...err mall. The vegetarian fried rice was like the best kind I've ever had, mind boggling, Singapore?

Saw this at the Botanical Garden, name something like Ficus Variegatus

Only when you have the company of the wise locals. Our host for the weekend were Yu Ping & Yu Jin, Malaysians working in Singapore. Having lived there for over a decade, they make excellent guides for dining in Singapore. On Friday night they took us to our first fantastic dinner near their house. Saturday brunch was at a Shanghai cuisine restaurant near the China Town. After the matinee we had the table-long order at Kopitiam, after which we went home and enjoyed Yu Ping's hot choc cakes with ice cream and more pot wine...and lots, lots of singing followed.

I could feel my body ballooned, almost literally. I was 47kg yesterday morning. Today 46kg.

My handicap of the ankle is eating me badly. It has gotten worse after Singapore. I will have to take it easy at the golf course the next three days. Going to see an orthopedic this Friday at KL Sports Medicine Centre. It's one month into the injury, I think I over waited the time to check in with a specialist.

Wilson likes my demo CD. Almost everyone who's heard the CD tells me they really like Carmen.

Thursday is watching me from the top of my chair. I better get to bed. Waking up early for the road trip to Perak.

Love you lots,

B

Letter eighty-eight Day one-hundred-and-fifty-four of your vacation

2011-03-06T13:36:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

A song for you...

May You Always (1959)
Larry Markes & Larry Charles

May you always walk in sunshine
Slumber warm when night winds blow
May you always live with laughter
For a smile becomes you so

May good fortune find your doorway
May the bluebird sing your song
May no trouble travel your way
May no worry stay too long

May your heartaches be forgotten
May no tears be spilled
May old acquaintance be remembered
And your cup of kindness filled

And may always be a dreamer
May your wildest dream come true
May you find someone to love
As much as I love you

much love,

B

Letter eighty-seven- Day one-hundred-and-fifty-three of your vacation

2011-03-05T11:34:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

I think I had a hallucination the other day, bright morning. I was still in bed though, by now am pretty convinced that I dreamed it. I watched Black Swan the night before, pretty freaky movie it was.

Anyway, I `dreamed' you came to me. The weight of your body and the warmth of your body were very vivid. One of those rare, vivid dreams I suppose.

Am printing some demo CDs for clients, this time in a proper...manner? There's a CD cover and there's track listing inlay and every CD will have my name printed on it. Callista helped me put the designs together. This is the photo we put on the cover. You took this shot, in 2008, June 14th at One World Hotel PJ. I just got off stage from singing, a candid shot.

Am glad the feeling is I don't mourn the loss of my chance of having photographed by you from now on. I treasure that you had painstakingly followed me to so many outings and waited on those precious moments, to capture a spirit in time, now frozen in time, in a jpeg file.

Thursday had her 4th shower yesterday. She's grown so much bigger since the last shower. She's sitting on my lap now as I write. I always wonder what's in her head.

I told Sushee that this is a time where I realise am making a conscious decision and a personal sacrifice, for Thursday. This flat used to be able to stay quite clean for at least one whole week after cleaning, if I keep the windows shut. These days the cat contributes hugely in transferring her cat litter to just about every corner of the flat, with the exception of corners she has no access to. Her fur littered any surface she goes to.

This reminds me of your hair too...around the house.

Love is sacrifice? We used to turn each other's annoying little habits into endearing traits. I am learning to live with cat fur, scratched furniture (and limps), cleaning up after her everyday...because am not ready to give her up. I love watching her stretch out on the rug and relax, play in front of the mirror, eat, focus on an imaginary fly...

I have Laksmi come over once a week now, she lives down the road. She also goes to Tommy's flat every week to help out. She has a daughter in India studying nursing. I buy her snacks before she goes off every time. Her hour rate is too low, but that's the norm for many independent housekeeper in town. I have the choice of paying her more. She does a great job and she is very kind.

Am going to make something to eat now.

Am reading Tender Is The Night Now (F. Scott Fitzgerald), I gave up on Steppen Wolf two days ago...I couldn't dive into the darkness with that creature in the book.

Love you lots.

B

Letter eighty-six - Day one-hundred-and-fifty-one of your vacation

2011-03-03T02:25:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

It's been 12 days since I last written in. I think about what I want to write to you often.

The left ankle is doing a lot better now. I still wear my low heel dance shoes when I perform, foot has been too swollen to fit into my regular heels. I don't wear slippers either, I go out in soft covered walking shoes that give better support to the ankle. It's improving everyday.

I recorded three new demo songs with Peter's help on Monday. The engineer that Sharon Paul assigned to me is a very helpful sweet girl, Jasmine. We plough through three songs in one afternoon, Carmen (in Mandarin), The Very Thought of You (dedicate to you specially) and Eternally (in Mandarin).

Am printing 100 copies of these demo CDs. I compiled a set of 10 songs for this disc. Seven other songs that I recorded since 2007. Am getting Callie to do the CD cover design and inside leaf design. Am using a few photos taken by you on this CD.

Mama's got a new pair of hearing aid. Your mom left on Monday evening for her holiday in New Zealand. I bought her a Platypus for the trip, right before she left for the airport.

It's been a busy start of the new year. Bookings trickle in and fill up January through March.

It's been thrilling to be constantly at my desk sending out invoices and setting up repertoire lists for gigs. Thrilling to be constantly packing my Hush Puppy roller bag with my costumes and heels, and singing, singing, and singing away. In the rush and hustle of all these, little slips of worries and wonders wander up my mind - where do I head from here?

Sure, I could feel it in my pores that with every dinner show I do, I improve a little by little. Mixing calculated movement on stage with intention to lose myself (not my voice) with every song. I still haven't gone to start my class (again) with Cecelia.

Your mom's been telling me to `get a new boyfriend'. I feel very bad because I don't know what to say to her every time I hear it. I think I told her on Monday that most great guys in KL are gay (or married?). I guess the other thing is that am out of practice, I don't get guys. I was out of `industry' for 8 years and my expectation these days is all different. Nowadays I expect to have a great time, being alone. For a good time, I expect to get the experience from books, shopping, food, staring at Thursday and ya, singing.

I suppose that's great, to not have any expectation from men. But anyway, there are no men around. I miss you lots.

Love,

B

work it

2011-02-26T23:40:00.001+08:00

I feel really bad, I am a really bad girl. This is a worse feeling than regretting over having an outburst at someone.

This is a feeling of knowing that I have disappointed other colleagues in my work due to my poor discipline.

I am deeply embarrassed, for being less than professional. I have many reasons and causes for my lack of preparedness in these pieces of music, but they are lousy - a musician will always find a way to be prepared no matter how horrible her schedule is.

So I gotta have a plan, a working plan for all my homework for the Bach, the Mozart, the Vivaldi....and work it.

I have to work it, hard.

To prevent this awful awful feeling in the next rehearsal.

What it means

2011-02-20T02:21:00.000+08:00

I used to think that I was living it all for him, for the meaning of what life meant to be half of this unit, the unit that was made up of Justin, and Janet.

Life = whatever that is Janet + Justin put together = a perfect combination of imperfection in harmony

He had many roles outside of our world, the best friend to his pals, the CEO, the good biker, the grandson, the brother, the good son. But I think all that meant more than that because he had me.

And in my corner I was the noisy girl, the best friend to my best friend, the sing-song girl, the fashion girl, the flea market girl, foul-mouthed girl...and all that meant more than what they were because I was also his girl.

So now what, now am JUST a singer, a noisy girl (occasionally), flea market girl (once in a long while now). Sigh. Hmm, at least for Thursday, I am almost her whole world now.

Is a life only better and fuller because one is needed? When one is needed?

It's not always bad, I only feel like this about a few times a week. My solution is distraction. Work still make me feel good, reading still does me good. I find I enjoy solitude a little more than I think it's healthy...but what is healthy? Sometimes perhaps it's just the music I listen to when am alone, too melancholic.

He and I both agreed that there is no meaning in life that needs figuring out. Life is what we make of it. In these times I find myself searching for it, amongst the crowded schedule of errands, appointments, singing, planning, driving around, cleaning, sorting, crying, laughing, reading...

Because I didn't realise that I didn't need a meaning of life because I always had him there, at the end of my day, giving me the VERY meaning of my life.

What meaning of life do you need when you have a soul mate who was your noon, morning, evening, dusk, black, white, evil, good, silly, lover, brother and best friend?

You don't.

I didn't.

Until I find it again, I will just get busy, collecting some happiness in little wonderful things like reading a good book, listening to someone tells me I sang good.

Or help someone helpless.

Letter eighty-five - Day one-hundred-and-thirty-seven of your vacation

2011-02-18T21:30:00.001+08:00

Dearest J,

Susheela told me she watched an interview on TV the other day, of Janet Jackson, talking about her coping with her brother's departure. Janet says that she is now at a stage where she focuses on being happy.

I think of you often on the days when I don't write here. Now I remember not too long back I told Nell that I was through with mourning but I find myself, more often than I had expect, sit around and feeling like shit missing you. I cleared out your wardrobe in the study last week, and re-organise a few things around. Packed your socks and underwear, and your white shirts. Wasn't easy, but necessary, I know, it is part of my journey.

Speaking of Janet Jackson focuses on being happy, show you here a few shots of happiness.

pics by Callista, Feb 7th, 2011

Had a bad fall at audition on Tuesday, sprained my left ankle. Was on doctor's painkiller and the following night I had a dinner show, I did the dance routine with my back-up dancers as rehearsed, no pain. The swollen foot was covered under my fishnet stockings and inside my low heel Latin heels.

The clients were happy, I was happy.

Not so good for the foot that needed rest. Here's a picture from the gig...

pic by Brandon Lim

The swell has gone down a little today. I slept with the food rested on three pillows, greater height elevation helped. I stayed in whole of today and mostly work on my desk with my left foot on the table. Fed myself with my leftover pasta salad.

Just spoke to Mama on the phone. Told her am nursing the foot at home. She said there were four tables of guests at her birthday lunch on Tuesday. She said she and gang went to visit you today at the park, with Aunty Alcie and Aunty SeeMing.

Finally booked a slot to record a new batch of demos. This month should have been the month for my project of a tribute concert for you, to debut the song I wrote for you...it's not quite done and there is no concert. I will make sure the song see day light one day ok.

Ok, on with the night. Work some more, shower, eat, read (am at final part of The Fountainhead, it's so exhilarating) and put my foot up. Am good.

This little movie here, is you, and I.

Love you always,

B

Letter eighty-four - Day one-hundred-and-thirty-two of your vacation

2011-02-13T10:15:00.003+08:00

Dearest J,

Am listening to this song titled Chloeitchka, from Fung Chern Hwei's album From The Heart. Piano & strings, no vocals. I like it very much, I told a few friends that this song would be my choice for my funeral music.

Thursday has been here since Nov 17th, it's date I remember better than other `important dates' like people's birth dates. By next week Thursday, February 17th, it would turn three months, Thursday and I. And for your departure, four months plus sixteen days.

Love,

B

Letter eighty-three - Day one-hundred-and-twenty-eight of your vacation

2011-02-09T03:49:00.002+08:00

Dearest J,

Now I know time is a relative thing. I remember one of your favourite quote is Einstein's,

Sit next to a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. Sit on a red-hot stove for a minute, it seems like an hour. That's relativity.

I asked myself if not having you next to me for over 127 days is a long time or a short time...I have no answer. I touched the crisp white pressed shirts that still hang in your wardrobe and smell them, I smelled your old bike jacket next to the shirts. I sit down coolly and think, this is confusing, it feels like a century since you've been gone - at the same time it feels like it was just yesterday since I kissed you goodbye as you left for your Ulu Yam ride.

Some days I have it good. Some days I just muddle through a sea of dark clouds, feeling listless and meaningless. I know, every minute I spend decided to go on, it's a battle won. On a bad day, I give myself the patience of staying on to continue to gather more reasons to breathe.

My letters are getting less and less regular, am hoping that I will not force myself to sit down just to write to you and find myself writing rubbish.

This morning the scanner stopped working, I spent an hour trying to troubleshoot, finding possible solutions on the net. No hope. I left for dance class. Came home to continue. Now that I don't have you around to be my tech support, I want to be more self-sufficient. Zal made me call the tech centre for Epson finally. 16-minute conversation later, I had some results but still no scanner working. They said it's to do with a new iMac software update, so now I wait for a patch to come in to fix this scanner situation.

Had a nice time hanging out with Mama at dinner. Every time I go over to listen to her talk while I lie on the bed in the guest room, I get so comfortable that I never feel like leaving. She is still coughing. I told her that she's taking forever to get well because she misses you a great deal.

It's so late now. Am going to get some rest now.

Miss you much,

B

Letter eighty-two - Day one-hundred-and-twenty-three of your vacation

2011-02-04T22:46:00.001+08:00

Dearest J,

Went to your house today with my parents & sister.

Your mom gave me my ang pow and smiled, "Find a new boyfriend." ....I don't remember what were her exact words but you get the message la. She hopes I find a new boyfriend soon I think.

I don't know which is harder, to find a boy I like here, or to meet someone who will like me for me here...or to actually imagine that one day come soon when I would stop comparing people to you.

Anyway, you will be glad to know that....actually, am glad to know that am in no rush to find that person. Mostly because I have never rated this city as a great place to meet good people, for that purpose.

Started reading The Fountainhead a few days ago, I was reading it day and night in Taiping. One of those great reads that make me stop in the pages for breathes, and to recover I needed to sip water.

There was a lot of news on TV about road accidents. I was reading the book while mom watched the news at sister's. We saw a few bodies lying lifeless next to vehicles on TV. Mom turned to me and asked me about you.

I just told her flatly that I wasn't there when you fell so I don't know the details.

Sigh, I remember how I used to annoy you with my endless queries about useless details and trivial, you used to tell me they don't matter. Now I can truly appreciate whenever I get asked about the detail of your accident.

This time this year, am serious about taking up meditation. I will call TP's brother to get details about his meditation class on Mondays.

Going to do some music work now before I call it a night. Tomorrow morning parents go to Singapore and am having a packed day with social events: a yu-shang lunch gathering and a house dinner party.

Am so happy am reading a book the way I am now, hungrily.

Miss you,

B

Letter eighty-one - Day one-hundred-and-twenty-three of your vacation

2011-02-04T10:13:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

There's a strange kind of wind here.

My parents are here, they like Thursday. They are quite amused by her.

A very good singer passed away two days ago, heart attack.

It's going to be a very busy season, in more than one way.

Love you,

B

Letter eighty - Day one-hundred-and-ninteen of your vacation

2011-01-31T22:30:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Tomorrow I drive home to my parents. Thursday will be home alone for two days. I got her new food, it's a different and double the price, that shop didn't have her usual brand. She loves the new food, walloped it heartily.

She is sitting next to me on the same chair now, cleaning her face...and behaving. This morning I think she buried her favourite toy (of the moment) in the litter...by accident, maybe? I threw it out. The toy was a purple hair scrunchy that I gave her.

Had dinner at your house. Mama wanted to give me a Sarong, told me to pick any I want from a fat pile of sarongs, all presumably vintage. I picked one out because of its softness in the material, being well-worn. It was the only one in the pile that is a ready-to-wear sarong skirt. Mama made the skirt with hooks, it's exactly my size, she was my size, she said.

February is not `empty' after all. I have a dinner gig on the 5th day of Chinese new year. Then on the 16th another one. There are three more dates in February that am waiting for client's confirmation.

Your wisdom for my singing is slowly showing even more nowadays. You told me to always include operatic numbers in my wedding gigs. Yesterday at a client's lunch meeting, the family hiring me to sing at a birthday dinner do had asked me to consider singing an operatic number at the performance. Last week at another dinner gig the event planner (Bebe my friend) had asked me the same thing.

You are truly very well-loved. It's in the air...I was at Tristan's birthday do at your house and people spoke of you with so much fondness and love. Aileen's mom told me she dreamed of you just the other night, you were eating her new year biscuits, the love-letters. She said you ate non-stop with a big smile on your face, telling her it was yummy.

I half dread the new year but am happy to just step up to whatever's ahead. Anyway I think I look forward to seeing my parents, I haven't seen them since the funeral.

I got very emotional after leaving your house earlier, coming home to pack for tomorrow. I felt a lot for your parents and Alex suddenly, suddenly re-living their moments of pain and what they must have felt. We can't tell the future but I hope we remain as family for a long time to come.

Thursday is staring at me again, from this chair. It seems to be what she does most of the time when am home with her. Am really curious about what goes on in her pretty little head.

Poor kitty, the next two days would definitely see a lot of fireworks round the house here...I hope she just, be strong and huddle under the sofa bed.

OK, I better pack now so I can get to bed soon.

Miss you. Love you lots.

B

Letter seventy-nine - Day one-hundred-and-sixteen of your vacation

2011-01-28T10:31:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

It's been 4 days since I check in here.

This morning after a phone call with my sister about CNY, I was combing my hair and making a mental check list on things to do before next week's holiday. A sudden thought came to me - I wonder if you had the chance to talk to us, what would have been some of your last words.

I imagine you would tell us to take care of some people for you in your absence. Take care of Mama. That seem to be your job all your life, take care of things, and take care of people. Even in your most unintentionally disorganized ways, you have always taken care of things and people.

Mama just rang up! She asked me to bring friends over for Tristan's birthday. She is making jelly today, for the party I presume.

Am glad that I was able to `take care' of you a little in the past. You were the easiest person to please. You were thrilled just to have me help you pack for your business trips; you were always damn happy to have me around to help you fold those damn working shirts so they fit nicely in your back pack for work; you'd get all glowing just listening to me talk about singing and doing a show.

If anyone is listening, I think you'd want us to take over now, and take care of things.

Call Mama more often, visit her whenever I have the time. Be peaceful, don't fight, don't get angry unnecessarily, practice singing a lot, sleep early.

I think we'll be fine. If having known you for that many years mean anything, it would be that now we are able to continue on living your legacy, your old ways as the guiding light.

It's CNY next week.

I had three incredible days down at Singapore this week. I was truly having a holiday bliss. Was happy I could be happy there, even without you there...I savoured every single moment of `lepaking' and being with good people, good friends.

I have a gig tonight.

That means it's time to have breakfast, and get ready.

I love you long long....

B

Letter seventy-eight - Day one-hundred-and-eleven of your vacation

2011-01-23T23:05:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Am hosting a singing rehearsal at home now. Scott and gang are rehearsing in the hall now, am not in that piece so I came in here to babysit Thursday while I do my stuff.

The Tawau gig was such an amazing success, am totally relieved. I had quite some butterflies before the performance...worried about my stamina of moving in that heavy gown and dancing, and singing those what I know now, rather ambitious repertoire.

The ladies at the agency said the host thought I was very good and entertaining! Entertaining! I could definitely use that skill - to be entertaining :) Now this gig would really put off some of my self-soubts for a while, while I work on getting better.

It sure help to have fantastic back-up dancers too! I was constantly being lifted very high in the air in a few songs and all my dance choreography were so well-designed it made me look good.

The other complement I received was what wonderful dance company that I have hired for the client. Dawn and company wowed them with a totally sleek Burlesque performance.

Thursday had her third bath earlier. I mopped the house after I got home from the airport today.

......

rehearsal done :) I sang a Mozart today.

Am off to Singapore in the morning with Tania. Three days there. Excited about going to watch Carmen the opera. Three days in Singapore is too long for me, but it looks like it should be quite a productive one in meeting up with friends. Going to take Tania to Bugis to shop too. Want to have lots of great conversations with friends too.

Ok, better eat something and sleep soon :)

I miss you today. I lied in bed this morning in Tawau, trying to imagine how it felt like to be held by you in bed, when I ask you to hold me tight tight.

Love always,

B

Letter seventy-seven - Day one-hundred-and-eight of your vacation

2011-01-20T01:11:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

I've been singing and singing! :D Practising my singing I mean, at home. The feeling is that I just can't stop singing once I start. It's so...addictive!

Am reminded now how much I love singing classical music, now that am learning my songs for the sacred music concert in July.

I wonder what Thursday thinks whenever she stays in the room while I practice....

Gotta `tighten' my belt a bit since now am going to spend quite a bit every month on singing lessons. Will sacrifice for my passion.

And really, it's about time I go back to the classroom.

Here's pic taken by Brandon last week at that orchestra gig

Sandakan gig last week, Friday. Had a blast with the wacky East Malaysia musicians. They are Teddy Chin Jr (sax), Leo Liew (bass), Peter Lau (drums), Angelina (vocals) and Roger Wang (guitar)

Here's one more from the wedding gig last week, Saturday...Rina from Crossroad took this one

Letter seventy-six - Day one-hundred-and-five of your vacation

2011-01-17T16:52:00.001+08:00

Dearest J,

I just scrubbed our toilet floor, I do a way better job than the cleaners I hire. The laundry is still in the washing machine, done a while back. The heavy downpour just subsided few minutes ago.

These days I have a little daily cleaning routine which I have grown to enjoy, I like to see the dirt gets swept up and go into the bin. It's also kinda meditative and therapeutic, and it's something to do away from the desktop.

Thursday gets more adventurous these days. She likes to sit on top of my study chair back rest and enjoy the view from there, it looks out into the River City stretch and Jalan Suppiah Pillai. Mostly she amuses herself watching me type, after she's done looking out of the window.

Miss you,

B

Letter seventy-five - Day one-hundred of your vacation

2011-01-13T23:57:00.033+08:00

Dearest J,

I went for a really nice supper with Brandon after the orchestra gig, we talked about living and death. He told me that you have a rather esteemed reputation in the bikers circle! His biker friends know of you, a good biker, good at what you do and they heard about your master class too :)

We had a nice time, comparing notes...about our experience in living as the `living-other-halves'.

Despite the cold, and I having gone through the performance earlier with stuffed nose and huskiness, etc, I am looking forward to everything that's ahead of me.

That include a cab ride to the airport at 5am, very soon.

And making music in Sandakan.

I am looking forward to the future, making music. Make a life in making music.

I celebrate you, I celebrate us, I celebrate by singing.

Love always and forever,

B

Letter seventy-four - Day ninety-nine of your vacation

2011-01-12T23:16:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Am listening to the rehearsal clips recorded from just a few minutes ago in KLPac Indicine... Ok, so the `mask placement' trick I did does seem to reduce the nasality in my singing. I must remember to lift my mask more when I sing. You would tell me am clever :)

I have learned that I need to sustain, or build more self-confidence towards my singing capability. I realised I have been spending a lot of time conditioning myself that my voice is `not nice' and that my singing is bordering being half-cooked. These thoughts are results of listening to myself a lot on recording, I have been recording myself a lot lately while am learning new repertoire.

Though recently I have met enough people said good things about my craft, you would think, that should help me get out of this mind-funk. But no, I turn their compliments into fluke statements.

But this will stop, don't worry. I maybe over-thinking slightly but am still rational. I will record, and listen to my flaws and weaknesses, and fix them. And I will believe it when someone tells me that I have a beautiful voice.

Because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. This voice may really be beautiful to some people out there, even not to me. Don't fret, I remember, I have the world biggest fan, you. I was always the beautiful singer. I will remember it tomorrow night when I sing Nobody Does It Better.

Last night was painful, I couldn't sleep. I wanted to rest but tiredness stayed away. I thought of you and the days are going by so fast that tomorrow turns 100th day since Oct 3rd. And then sad sad thought came over me. It was a quick sand effect, I tried to get out but the more I try the deeper I go down.

Finally sleep came two hours later, I think.

Something from Thursday, for you to see. Happened before I left for rehearsal. That was Thursday's first game with the toilet roll.

Anyway, looks like tomorrow will be a full day out...I hope it's a full day out there with the music, despite the long waiting I have ahead. 2pm I have my sound check, the orchestra will start theirs at 230pm, at 330pm we will have a full run-thro which I wait in turn for my little three big songs. After which I will have the whole day ahead of me while I wait to sing at 9pm.

...the days after this...100 days later and counting on. Looking back at my letters to you, I realise what an incredibly self-indulgent journey this has been.

Three months ago when I started this letter project people asked me, Well, how long are you planning to and going to keep writing to him? I said, I don't know. I still don't know now, I guess I don't ever need to, or should feel the need to stop?

But I do want to stop having the feeling for need of missing you, and wallow in the misery of your absence. Even though I feel that from day one of your departure, you have given me a very strong foundation, a fantastic foreword, a great opening chapter, to finish this book by myself. It is because of that you gave me such great start, I was able to pick up the pieces so swiftly.

Sometimes I worry if there would be negative repercussions from my all-too-quick `recovery'.

I want to stop all these worrying, pondering if I should spend more time crying, thinking, mourning...

There is no purpose in wanting to cry more, wanting to wallow more. I have had many nights, and days of those. And I think now, with the next brand new eleven months ahead, I want to allocate some purposeful efforts to live more...meaningfully.

No more concerted sadness, I have to bring in a breathe of fresh air and really start to celebrate our union. You and I, forever, and ever, even time won't part us.

Love always,

B

Letter seventy-three - Day ninety-eight of your vacation

2011-01-11T17:58:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

98 days.

The other day, I think it was yesterday, I asked a question to myself, I don't have the answer. If you have found your biggest love in your life, and lost it. What do you do for the rest of the journey left?

I got a Smart Tag finally. Seeming and Sim got it for me. Very happy to have it now.

Voice is much better today. Still no singing, am saving it for tomorrow's rehearsal.

Had a lot of soups yesterday. ABC soup in the morning, lotus roots & peanut soup in the afternoon and herbal soup at night.

This morning I had ABC soup again with rice and some olive bits, for breakfast.

Jazz class started a new routine today, Bollywood!! We put Coldplay's song to and end. Everyone had a blast. I had a big lunch after the class, very happy. These dance classes keep me very happy.

I do need to get back to singing class SOON. The damage in the budget will be...big but, like, I think, it's necessary.

Thursday is getting bigger all the time, everyone jumps and exclaims "how fat is her little ass!" everyone adores her wide-eyed innocence and enthusiasm.

I slept a lot last two days, went to bed at 12 last night. Am glad to find some peace in a chaotic week like this.

Am making good progress packing for the three back-to-back shows today.

Just received a booking today for a show on your birth date...

Miss you much.

Love,

B

Letter seventy-two - Day ninety-six of your vacation

2011-01-09T16:10:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

I just came home. As I close the door behind me and walked in with my luggage the cool air in our home enveloped me as if saying - "Hey, you're home, welcome back."

The stillness (but still cool) of the air and the beige wash of the furniture shout to me suddenly...I think this is what I will work hard for, ?! I will work and sweat for just this, coming home from the noise, cars, weather, tolls, hotels and the works - to step into my own cool air at home, no one around, just me and the mute cat.

And I can be stripped of things and just lie there, not say a thing, sing any note, I can just breathe in the stillness of this home.

I am glad you got me into this, am glad you have chosen this one. I want to own this place. I really want to.

You like my taste in all the furnishing, though they are minimal, they complete the picture.

Yesterday was a survival experience for me. I woke up early to get ready to carpool at Charles to go Lumut, my throat was all time scratchy and uncomfortable. I decided I would pop into the 24-hour hospital down the road again to get some medicine. I was prescribed with strong antibiotics for the cold, something for the cough and something for the throat inflammation.

I arrived at Charles' first, on time. No one else was there yet, so Charles let me in and I popped all the bills down my system, empty-stomach system. Not a good move at all.

I told the boys I needed to take the front seat after we started the journey, late. At the first gas stop I floated from the car to the toilet and threw up in the first sink I saw, bright red gargle solution spewed from me into the grey sink...and water, and more water.

Ok, now I know. I cannot stomach the strong medicine first and eat later. Cushioning first. I bought some bread and sugar drink and went back into the car, on cloud nine literally.

The sound check felt like an out of body experience, my tongue was asleep and I felt light.

We goofed around after the sound check while we walked back to the our lodging, Best Western Hotel, a few steps from the `multi-purpose-hall' where the 1600 pax dinner was held.

Vincent, Charles and Wei Li saunter back to our hotel from the back of the ware-house looking massive dinner hall.

The show went well however, I came back to myself after a hot shower and some food. I managed to have fun with the band, dancers and the audience. It was a big big dinner. The Siti Nurhaliza song in our second set got response from the right side of stage, Teresa Teng songs got claps from the Chinese on the left side of stage. The Sinatra classics got some attention from the ONE Caucasian table - BMW management table from KL I think.

I asked the boys to take the master room because two of them would share. All the rooms in this apartment has attached bath so everyone was happy.

That's Vincent's sign of relief that we were provided with decent and clean lodging. Not to mention how big the apartment was.

Love you lots,

Letter seventy-one - Day ninety-four of your vacation

2011-01-07T17:36:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

It's a cold cold day here in the flat. I painted my nails red today, for a show tomorrow in Lumut. A big dinner party for the car people in Sitiawan. Practiced my Broadway medley for my orchestra gig next week while I paint. Thursday is rather tame today, Chels and I wonder why.

Thursday sits with me a lot when am working at my desk, nowadays she sits with me in my leather chair. The leather seat is tattered with wounds of her scratching, giving it a `new skin'. She is asleep now behind me on the chair! Maybe it's the sleepy weather. I too took a nap after staring at the music and my nails for over an hour.

I sent some flowers over for your mom's birthday today. I can't make dinner with them tonight. I bought her some lotion for her New Zealand trip next month, hope she finds them useful.

Down with a cold too. Sore throat is better now but nose drips.

Next week it turns 100th day, of your departure. Jan 12th. A Wednesday.

It's going to be packed week. Monday dance rehearsal with client review for Tawau dinner. Tuesday I attending an annual dinner, attending as a guest! Wednesday night orchestra rehearsal for the Thursday dinner show. Friday morning I leave for the Sandakan dinner show, Saturday I come home for the Sheraton Imperial wedding show. Sunday, I will catch a play on its last performance at 3pm, and at night I rehearse ensemble singing for a sacred music concert in July.

Wish you were here.

Much love,

B

Letter seventy - Day ninety-two of your vacation

2011-01-05T23:52:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Hey you, you get to me once again, when I don't expect you to...

Am just sitting here learning a new Mandarin song for a gig next song. A lovely lovely love song, with lyrics I like. Don't know how, the tears just came when I get to the line that says "...just listen to your voice is enough to make my heart calm".

Remember how you liked to just call me sometimes to listen to my voice. You said you just needed to hear my voice...you'd SMS me first to see if I am free to pick up your call.

I wish I was there to say something to you there then.

.....

I move on, to music. For there's all there is for me, without you.

Love you and missing you,

B

a picture for you, the orchestra working on Nobody Does It Better last night at Pentas 2. I am singing with them next week...

Letter sixty-nine - Day ninety-one of your vacation

2011-01-04T00:50:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Took a nap in Mama's room before I came home. Not a single mosquito bothered me, I could have spent the night on that bed.

Time flies, really.

I had a swell time at Sushee's on new year's eve. We had fine vegetarian Indian food and Shoba's home made pasta. Had a few drinks, didn't get tipsy at all, don't know why. All I felt was sleepiness. We saw some fireworks on the lawn of the house.

Last new year's eve was a good one too. We had each other on the phone while fireworks went on in the two cities we spent new year's eve in. I guess that is going to last forever - we will always spend new year's eve from now in different cities but we connect despite the distance.

This is a busy month, you see...this weekend I go to Sitiawan's Marina Island Resort for an annual dinner dinner gig. Next week is a packed one with three gigs back to back, 13th is gig with 25-piece orchestra, 14th morning I fly to Sandakan for a dinner show, 15th morning I fly home for a wedding reception gig. The week after I will sing at the NIKON Malaysia dinner, the day after I fly to Tawau for another annual dinner show.

Then I go to Singapore to watch Peter in Carmen the opera, with Tania & TP.

Feb is zero at the moment in the booking department. I hope to finally complete that database I was building halfway, a database of ALL my clients. Also, that project that was suppose to take place in Feb, it's practically being stalled...I want to do something about it.

I slept for 12 hours yesterday.

Am learning an old Japanese song for that NIKON dinner.

There's a lot to talk about, I shall write more when am in the right frame of mind.

Miss you like crazy, love

B

Letter sixty-eight - Day eighty-eight of your vacation

2010-12-31T19:13:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

A new calendar year is on the horizon. I want to be able to relive our happy times again, we had so many of those. Now you live inside of me, in my head.

When I was in the shower last night, washing off hairspray of my hair, I was replaying all the compliments I received after singing at my first Sabah gig. The musicians liked my singing and my voice, all of them!! It felt like a dream, I don't know if it's a Sabah thing for musicians to be so lovely to singers... And the dinner guests too, they took my hand and said thank you for my lovely music.

While I basked in the glory of their praises, replaying in my head under the (broken) shower head, I thought of you naturally. How you'd kiss me and tell me I'm a clever girl. I didn't feel so bad then, I felt happy to know what you'd said to me and that you'd be very proud.

Now, back in KL and sitting here watching Thursday watch me blog, I have to try to get a grip of myself and not feel bad missing you.

But in general, generally, overall, I am grateful for what's left of us. There's me here still, I still have my voice and I have the memory of you. I have people, music, Thursday, songs, our home. I have a lot of love for music and it's paved with all your love for me - what you used to tell me a lot is enough to fuel me for the long way down this road - you said watching me sing makes you happy, you said I look happy whenever am singing and on stage...

Toast to everything that's to come, warts and all, love or hell, to life.

Big hugs,

B

Letter sixty-seven - Day eighty-five of your vacation

2010-12-28T23:34:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Thursday is STILL confused with mirrors.

On other note, he scratched me good this week, I have new marks from her all over my body, got a new one on my back this evening.

Am sleepy. Trying to get done with my `simple' packing for a Sabah gig. Louis the cabby is coming at 7am in the morning to take me to LCCT. I realised I quite hate packing for a performance out of KL, I cannot be a light traveller, there are make-up, heels, gowns to pack and...

Thursday should be fine for two days here, I will be home on Friday afternoon.

I better get going. I am really pining for the bed now.

Talk soon.

Love you lots,

B

Letter sixty-six - Day eighty-three of your vacation

2010-12-26T10:29:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Good morning.

I opened up Facebook every morning, this morning I found two things. Another song that plugs my heart string, and an artiste to inspire - Katie Melua.

There are nine millions bicycles in Beijing, that's a fact, it's a thing we can't deny, like the fact that I will love you till I die.

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That's a fact,
It's a thing we can't deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die.

We are twelve billion light years from the edge,
That's a guess,
No-one can ever say it's true
But I know that I will always be with you.

I'm warmed by the fire of your love everyday
So don't call me a liar,
Just believe everything that I say

There are six BILLION people in the world
More or less
and it makes me feel quite small
But you're the one I love the most of all

We're high on the wire
With the world in our sight
And I'll never tire,
Of the love that you give me every night

There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That's a Fact,
it's a thing we can't deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die

And there are nine million bicycles in Beijing
And you know that I will love you till I die!

Love x 100000000000000000000000

B

Letter sixty-six - Day eigthy-two of your vacation

2010-12-25T10:39:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

While driving back here this morning I feel like going out for a walk somewhere because the city seems so peaceful and quiet, now. It is rather hazy though.

Poor Thursday's been left alone here a lot. I hope my occasional appearance helps keeping her sane.

I kinda passed out in deep sleep midway through the dinner party at your house last night. Woke up round 3am to put on the fan, closed the door, drank some water and continued to sleep...all the way to 9am. I had a long and repetitive dream about someone's detailed plan of a suicide. Now the details are mostly gone, though I remember it involved a car, a long trail of cloth and that in the end the plan didn't quite go as plan. I dreamed of going into a fancy shop to look at some wigs and hair accessories and ended up shopping for some socks for you. I was enquiring about the size when I suddenly remember you don't need socks no more. Maybe that was why I woke up feeling slightly grouchy, rather aimless and not feeling up to do anything.

Am bringing myself over to Peter's for lunch.

One step at a time.

I thought about work while driving.

Maybe I will bring Thursday to Peter's with me at lunch.

Much love, missing you.

B

Letter sixty-five - Day eighty of your vacation

2010-12-23T17:24:00.001+08:00

Dearest J,

I realised this morning that since Oct 3, 2010, no matter how beautiful a morning sky may look, however good the morning air may smell, where I am, or may go - each morning will be tinted with a thin air of sadness.

So be it, it can't help itself.

I exchanged a few messages with one of your friends, one who seems to speak similar language as us, he said to me today:

When you meet that special someone all that scattered dots in your heart just connects , it just connects .. and everything makes sense.. it is a real fear that everything after that will be a compromise relative to the prior, the one ....

What a terrible thought to think that life will cease to make less sense for me without you around. It has...if restlessness is a disease, then I think I have contracted it. I live from day to day, floating from every new excitement to the next, a gasping at each discovery of a beautiful new song, savour each mouthful of good wholesome food, catching my breathe from watching every wonderful performance...amused at Thursday's games, etc.

Every experience is real and I embrace them all with my heart, I try to live these experiences vividly. Yet there is a surreal sense of 'floating' to it, and there seems to be an undercurrent of restlessness boiling underneath.

I finished reading a short novel today. Cher Siang gave me the book before he left for his Big Apple trip. It's a collection of short fiction, translated from Japanese to Mandarin. It's refreshing to be reading from page to page non-stop, I haven't been able to do it for a while.

This story is told from a young down-trodden Japanese royalty's eye. Divorced from her first marriage and now she and her ailing mother live in a village tending a farm, surviving on little money left. She had a drug-addict brother who later on killed himself to escape his hopelessness and his refusal to continue on this pretentious society. The plot narrates her battle in her defense of her family's dignity and her own as a survivor of the war. Her journey explores the meaning of life, culture & intellectual revolution, love of a mother...the ending is poignant, tragic to some, hopeful maybe. She had a brief affair with a married man, and left him when she was conceived with his baby. To her, she was meant to live by her own principle and the rest didn't matter.

I always like a slightly depressing story. I hope to read a couple more fiction after this book.

Christmas, another Christmas, this weekend.

I think I will go and eat something sweet now, maybe chocolate. The air in this room is too still.

I miss you.

B

Letter sixty-four - Day seventy-nine of your vacation

2010-12-22T18:56:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

The internet went down on Monday, first time in the last 70 days. Got super-stressed over it, didn't call TM though.

The line is back today when I came home from visiting my sister.

Felt sick again yesterday, the dizziness came straight after a client meeting. I cancelled on going to the Chuah twins party to nurse myself. After feeling worse when I got home, I decided to let myself get some TLC elsewhere, I called your house and `ordered' plain porridge for dinner.

So I had a lot of your Mama's white porridge with salt for dinner, she also made me some eggs, vege and pumpkin. I ate two bowls there with your parents, after I napped with Mama in your room. Played with Tristan for a while after dinner and watched a bit of TV before I slept again on the sofa. It was 10pm already then, I decided not to go home then and sat down and finished the last drop of porridge!

I slept for many hours, felt good. I came home this morning at half past nine am, needed to rush to a recording in Cheras but I stopped for breakfast at the wantan mee store before I went home.

We recorded seven songs in less than three hours. The band are Wei Li, Vincent and Charles. Am getting these 7 songs to Ken's dancers for my Jan gig in Setiawan.

Finally visited my sister at her new home in SS2. Very nice color theme, like ours :) lots of cream and beige.

Thursday is getting restless on my lap now, I gotta go get ready to meet the gang for dinner before going to NBT for Peter's Christmas gig.

Tomorrow, no appointment during the day (yet). I really have to get more work done before the weekend comes. I have a lot of new listening material on my desktop. I want to practise all the new gig songs before next year. Have to send all the recorded tracks to Ken before next week.

I thought of you a lot this week. Everyone misses you, I feel it.

Big big hugs for the week,

B

Letter sixty-three - Day seventy-seven of your vacation

2010-12-20T23:14:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Survived last week with three gigs almost back to back. Had food poisoning on Saturday night but recovered pretty fast by morning, thanks to a strong jab of antibiotics at the 24-hour hospital down the road.

Bought Thursday some cat treats today and a collar with bell. Now I can `hear' her. Still no meowing, nothing. I let her sit on my lap while I blog...she looks very elegant in her black collar with gold bell. She likes all the treats I bought.

The internet connection went down this afternoon, a first in the last 76 days.

Next week is going to be a busy week too. Am going to send aunty Kuning back to Ipoh in my car with Nell and Peter as my travelling mates. Then on Wednesday I go to Sabah for a music rehearsal with Roger Wang (am so excited!) and his band for a wedding on Thursday at Sutera Harbour. Friday I fly home and catch a new year's eve dinner in KL. On new year's day I will sing at a Ritz wedding.

Thursday in her new collar...just hope she doesn't choke on it when am not at home...

The theatre project has been called off, the excitement came fast and left fast enough too. Now I hope those new year's bookings keep coming.

Finally had the car serviced today, long overdue.

Finally an early night today. Am going to try to relax, shower and get some work done and get to bed earlier. There are quite a number of songs I have to pick up for the next few gigs...looking forward to singing these new songs, include one of Siti Nurhaliza's.

Lots of love, missing you loads.

B

The bleak future and the big picture

2010-12-18T02:28:00.001+08:00

pic - Ben Tan

Again, without any warning, I am feeling bleak, or my future is bleak. Maybe it's the rain, the cold tiled floor and the cold wind blowing into my shower.

Am not sure if I abandoned my usual hopeful self, or my hopeful self has abandoned me.

Can it be that hopeful and hopeless are but a switch of a thought, a perspective, change of an angle?

I don't need reminders to know I am a very special species of a woman and that it took a really special guy to `see' me. J was very very special indeed. Am not sure if there are that many very special guy out there. Though J and I shared the same philosophy in 'you can't tell what the future lies', I was always sure that the bond we have, it is one that is hard to fall out of. I told myself that we found each other in a sea of billions soul, and that I was lucky, and am settled and done for. We didn't need no reassurance of a marriage or ring, vows to know that we complete each other. In fact, we did exchange `vows', in our own special way...in emails, and being miles apart.

I `proposed' to J that year in 2007 thro an email, to grow old with me:

21/12/2007

J,

David and I had a great outing today and we chatted a lot. Eventually he asked about you and I, and eventually the subject of marriage came in. I wasnt good at all in making my point about why we dun want to get married. I thought about it for a while now that am home and I finally realise that, it's something I really want with you, is that...

I don't need to marry you, all I really really want, is to grow old with you and be your bestest friend till our old age. It's the most romantic thing in the world for me, to be able to stay together when we are riped old and love each other to bits. the rest really dont matter to me.

I hereby officially propose to you to grow old with me, as oppose to marrying me :)

I love you.

yours,

He replied soon enough, I was so happy to get this:

Dearest B,

Poor me crying when i read your email proposal-woh. I'm so touched. I accept your proposal and wouldn't anything different. Lets do it.

Love you much B. cant wait to meet you in Chiang Mai.

J
--
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.

- Albert Einstein

In full consciousness, I allow myself to indulge in these memories, wallowing in useless thoughts and images of me growing older alone.

Maybe for another couple of months or so I shall allow myself these little pockets of time for unproductive thoughts...I shall enjoy in full volume of this aloneness. I sat at the dining table earlier, drinking tea and reading a new book that Cher Siang passed me, but mostly staring into space and breathing in the emptiness around me.

But, no matter how bleak the future of meeting men may seem, and how `attractive' the idea of growing old alone with music (and yes, with friends) maybe - I wouldn't want to be the person, a person, who is all about herself. I want to feel alone sometimes, but most of the time, I want to feel like part of this wonderful universe.

Being part of the revolution of mankind, as part of the fight for the survival of arts, music, animal welfare, vegetarianism, vintage clothing, recycling, being kind.

So ya, if I don't have that very special someone in my bed. I want to be out there, and have that something big. And be in that big picture.

Letter sixty-two - Day seventy-four of your vacation

2010-12-17T19:33:00.002+08:00

Dearest J,

Feeling very distracted most parts of today. Thursday had a few visitors today, Caitlin brought her some new toys and me a card.

Mia's performance last night was `absolutely smoking' last night, and her musicians totally complete the scene. No matter how many times I have sighed at her enormous talent in telling a story thro her singing and song writing, she never failed to make me gasp at her gift every time I watch her live.

Appreciating others' gift in music always make me feel incredibly small but at the same time I feel happy to be alive now to take it fully the glory of music and songs.

Accidentally came across one of my old blog entries earlier:

sunday, june 22, 2008

As I lied this morning next to the man I love so much and who loves me back dearly...I cannot help but wonder for myself, and for everyone out there...

Will the love you bring to the world, will your passions and your work still mean the same thing to you if you haven't got a partner who is there for your at the end of your journey everyday? No matter how far apart or near, this person shares your life and your inspirations, your pain and your joy...everything.

I wonder because I cannot answer myself if what I am today, and tomorrow will mean the same to me if I haven't got J in my life.

I don't know, I guess I will find out soon enough. I guess I can look for your face in every audience...

I love you.

B

another nice shot by Brandon Lim from two nights ago, at Urban, Hotel Istana

Letter sixty-one - Day seventy-three of your vacation

2010-12-16T17:53:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Went to the vet with Chels, Thursday had her nails cut again and got her last jab for skin infection. Forgot to buy more cat food.

On the way home ate at the Chinese temple vegetarian stall again, in the rain under the umbrella the food tasted really good.

I made a record today: mopped the flat today by myself, in all seriousness and determination. First I vacuumed, transferring Thursday from room to room...then shut her in the toilet while I mopped. When all the floors are done, Thursday got her second shower.

Lend Chels a dress and my precious necklace from Paris for her sushi event. A new sushi joint getting her to name a new sushi dish. Am trying to break out of my possessive mould for my material things, and share good things...be more like you. There wasn't a thing that you didn't use to share, I remember my first lesson in learning to be generous and to share - you offered to lend my winter jacket to your client's colleague from Maybank. I was at first annoyed that you would agreed to that without first asking me, but looking at you for five minutes was enough to understand that it was the most natural thing for you to do - if you can help, why not help? If you can share, why not share?

Ok, going to continue with work so I enjoy the night out later - watching Mia at NBT.

....Thank you for all the important things I learned from you.

Love,

B

Letter sixty - Day seventy-two of your vacation

2010-12-15T23:57:00.026+08:00

Dearest J,

Going to bring Thursday to the vet in the morning for her third jab. Gotta replenish her food too.

I have three shows/gigs this week. Tonight's dinner was small...oil and gas people. Tomorrow is a `rest day' where I continue to catch up with errands and maybe some rest.

I been sitting here for 10 minutes trying to blog but all I do is drifting in and out of sleep...guess I better go wash off my make up, shower and sleep.

Talk to me more when am sober...

Love,

B

Letter fifty-nine - Day seventy of your vacation

2010-12-13T23:06:00.005+08:00

Dearest J,

I packed quite a few of your Haines teeshirts to give to a single-mom charity outfit. While packing a sadness got better of me. You used to stress over running out of these comfortable teeshirts, they are so precious to you. These white tees have been your signature look for decades. Mama used to have to repair all the holes on your old ones, before you found more of them during your trips to India, and then Bangkok. Now all these shirts aren't put to use anymore, even though I know they are going to people who will find them useful...I can't help imagining you standing in the room while I pack them, thinking...oh, there goes all my precious Haines tees. Sorry they have to go, I wish I keep them...but we both know there isn't any use in keeping them. Like what Gopi said, we have to make a good use of all your things.

I kept a set of two of your favourite teeshirts, for my fantasy, that one day...somehow you'd come back and will need some familar clothing to get comfy in. This absurd thought must stem from all those hours I spent not missing you, not thinking of you, and now these little explosions of emotions manifest themselves into...how I react to situations.

70 days already, closing in to 100, then it will be 200, 300... Part of me want to celebrate how all of us have survived without you since Oct 3, how we have managed to brush aside our misery and walk on, even laugh and make toasts to many things; part of me want to put a stop to the clock ticking away, because counting the days seems to lengthen the distance between you and I, that day when you put on your biking suit to go out and this day, I sit here without a home for my heart.

But life goes on.

Ya.

Went to visit Mama. Had lunch with your dad, Mama and your aunt. Saw Hilary sleeping under the car as I left after lunch, fatter than ever.

Going to make something useful now, maybe do my laundry and look at my music before I sleep.

Miss you,

B

Letter fifty-eight - Day sixty-nine of your vacation

2010-12-12T23:34:00.033+08:00

Dearest J,

I had a nice time today at Arts For Grabs in Annexe. I had a bit of time to lepak before I left to watch Birdy in KLPac. I sat at the canteen corner and ate leisurely and watch the market. One packet of nasi lemak and one packet of meehoon. Am on a mission to fatten up a little, so whenever I can, I eat more...MORE.

I was `consciously chilling' at the market, hoping to squeeze away any inch of stress.

A new theatre project is on the horizon, a demanding one, very demanding. I need to be mentally prepared for the stress, to prepare my body for this time - I mean to coordinate, to orchestrate the body and mind together, to work seamlessly like clockwork. Keep the body healthy so that the mind can function best, keep the body fresh so hopefully the mind stays clear and unclouded.

All right, sleep is the horizon now, and go to bed I must, now.

Love you lots,

B

Letter fifty-seven - Day sixty-eight of your vacation

2010-12-11T23:57:00.039+08:00

Dearest J,

As much as I want to hold on to my principle of a advocate of science and facts, I really wanted to for a second, tonight, believe that you are still around...to listen to us sing tonight at Justice For Sisters.

I realised I had almost the same line-up of singers tonight, singing Imagine with me, as the line-up who sang A Thousand Miles with me sixty over days ago. Peter and Elvira, singing with me.

It goes to say one thing, with you around, I had many friends and plenty of music-making. With you gone, I am continuing with the music-making...with friends.

Show you here a picture of me at the performance tonight. Nell took it with my phone.

Went for a contemporary dance workshop today, just an hour of rigorous, mad work of contemporary dance routine and warm up...leave me now with an affecting body-ache, all over. It was most satisfying to attempt those amazing moves, for someone who's never done contemporary.

Very sleepy now, still high from the gig and all that...they call it, good energy.

Love you x 1000000000000000000000000000

B

Letter fifty-six - Day sixty-seven of your vacation

2010-12-10T11:45:00.028+08:00

Dearest J,

Bought Thursday a new litter tray today. She has outgrown the one that Peter gave me so I went to Galaxy pet shop in Uptown to get a big one with an open lid.

Jerome sent me the revised poster with my name on it for tomorrow's fundraiser at Annexe. I like this poster, pink!

While I learn to mange my time better in a busy period, am trying to learn how to manage my inner world...for lack of a better word. I want to get things done and feel productive but I realise more importantly I NEED to find peace of mind, and rest when I need it, to carry on.

Thursday jumps pretty well now. I hope she doesn't get bored of this place so soon...I imagine one day she might but I hope she finds some contentment here. She is looking at some invisible fly in the room now, looks like she is in a hunting mode.

Tomorrow is another activity-packed weekend.

Good night love.

B

Letter fifty-five - Day sixty-six of your vacation

2010-12-09T23:46:00.016+08:00

Dearest J,

Been taking pictures of Thursday on my phone. Share with you...

Thursday staring out at the night view on Tuesday night..

I wonder what was on her mind.

Thursday on Wednesday morning...

Got a lot on my mind, scattered thoughts all over the universe in my head...don't know where to start to tell you. Will attempt when I have time again. My mission is to get more rest now.

Miss you like crazy.

B

Letter fifty-four - Day sixty-five of your vacation

2010-12-08T23:43:00.002+08:00

Dearest J,

Miss you very much.

Missing you in a crowded world.

Nell told me that she had asked her beautician about my predicament of the pimple outbreak, the beautician said it's likely to do with lack of sleep, food indigestion...and nutritional issues.

Had a nice little dinner party last night, chatted late into the night.

It's starting to feel like I will soon forget what it feels like to have you around...

I feel sad, even though I don't know why it should be a sad thing. When someone is no longer around, why does it has to be sad for the living ones to stop clinging on to the past and old...?

Attachments.

Well, I can't complain, I have a lot of good days...can't expect everyday to be a smooth sail, when I have depended on you for so many years of emotional well-being.

I'm already doing so well...

Sometimes I can't even begin to believe I don't miss you as much as I thought I would, given how much we looked to each other for emotional and spiritual comfort.

Oh I miss you so much now.

Lots of love,

B

Letter fifty-three - Day sixty-three of your vacation

2010-12-06T23:53:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Just got home from singing workshop with Heidi Vogel, a UK vocalist. Did some really interesting improvisation exercises and got some useful advice from her for my singing career.

I spent most of today feeling restless and uneasy...got quite a bit to do and feeling I wasn't being most productive and time efficient. To make it worse, I looked into the mirror a few times today to find me staring at my most...say, productive? Most productive outbreak of mini pimples.

Ya, (lucky for me) the kind you don't see in one glance. Small, `skin-color' pimples spreading across my forehead...

I washed my face a few times today and spent too much time going over all the possible causes for this physical manifestation.

Not enough sleep? Poor diet? Reaction to too much car fur in the house? The new serum am using? Poor face hygiene?

...or maybe just part of few `physical reactions' that I been having since your funeral...my lips still breaks easily, among other conditions.

Am singing this Saturday at Justice For Sisters.

I really ought to start working on that Bach duet too...been postponing my practice.

Learned to sing a new song today, very excited. Duffy's Mercy.

Rehearsed with a new musician at home today, David. He is playing with me next Saturday at 789. Will be attempting three new songs, new in my repertoire - Fever, Route 66, and Mercy.

Am going up to have my vege quiche now at Fai's.

Am feeling very occupied with music and songs and other errands. Unlike the busy times I had last week where I missed you more, this week...so far am quite fixated on my long-to-list.

Much love,

B

Letter fifty-two - Day sixty-two of your vacation

2010-12-05T10:23:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Last night's gig was fun. The sound check was particularly interesting, we only managed to got the sound right when Vincent (bassist) decided that he would help after all. Wei Li sang a couple of songs with me and did a solo on The Nearness of You.

I sang out to you last night while I was on stage and looking at all the guests at the dinner. Came home wishing to have you waiting for me...well, ok, Thursday was sure quite pleased to see me home after a long day.

I have grown to care for her more now. On Friday when I closed the door behind me to go out and saw her face inside I felt something tuck at my heart, for the first time. This must be love? I ask myself...

She is cleaning herself now. After going hyper and chewing on my dress for 15 mins.

Am going to Amcorp mall now to meet Seeming and family. It's been a while since I go there, or meet her. I better get going.

Hugs & love,

B

Letter fifty-one - Day sixty of your vacation

2010-12-03T15:28:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Feels like any other day, any other busy day, swamped with desk work and music work. Day 60th. Somewhere out there some of us keeps counting the distance...between the moment we had the treasure of you next to us and the present moment of without.

I feel dizzy at the thought that I might never stop counting the days. Staying alive is a good distraction I suppose, and keeping busy. I can say that I voluntarily allow my schedule to fill itself up. Bookings are coming in and am grateful - gigs are essential for the nourishment of the soul and bank account.

I chatted till early in the morning with Julian the sax player who lives in NYC now. He suggested taking time off work to study, and practice. He said the enemy of the jazz musician in KL is work, when you work most of the time, you are absent in your study and training time. Maybe this sounds a little illogical at first, but he means to say that when you are off work, you spend all your time, un-deterred by a client's music requests and the noise around you - to just practice your craft.

There are times for everything, Julian said. This year end and January is my time to harvest and save up for rainy days.

Thursday had her first shower at our home today. She was terrified but recovered her composure rather quickly when I wrapped her in a towel and dry her with hair dryer. It's getting easier to deal with her, she seems, seems - is the operating word to have understood my authority, or at least a little. She stays most of the time at my bed room door when I open the door, instead of darting into the room under my feet. She lets me pat and stroke her more these few days. She bites me less the last two days.

So ya, I think she is cool here, and am cool too.

I had a leisurely solitary lunch at the Wantan mee shop down the road today, after my hip hop class. The air is still cool from all the raining.

Ok, I better get all the work done here on my desk so I can move on to more important work - singing & music.

Miss you lots,

B

Letter fifty - Day fifty-nine of your vacation

2010-12-02T01:49:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Spent the whole day at home today (Wednesday) with Thursday. Had a rehearsal at home, had lunch downstairs. Did some much needed filing of old music scores and paperwork.

Saw an old photo of myself while sorting papers, I looked better there, my face was fuller. Need to put on weight...need a concerted effort.

I like watching Thursday sleep. I realise now this was what you liked too, you told me many times that you love watching me sleep in the morning, you said I look so peaceful and `quiet' and I think you must have meant unthreatening and soft, unlike my noisy and sober self - just like Thursday, a picture of peace when asleep, an opposite of her feisty and playful persona when awake.

She is heavier now. Peter and Nell came by tonight to visit us. Peter said she has grown.

I have re-organised some parts of the bookshelf, the fiction sections are now more sorted. Just touching and look at all these books I feel proud. Together we have put together a collection of really powerful books in one place, from fictional works to great essays, to excellent volumes of science writing, to insightful social commentary....if only I can finish reading most of them, I will be a different person.

Photo of Thursday getting comfy on your chair earlier just before I went downstairs for Hokkien mee.

Sleepy now, going to quickly sleep.

Love,

B

Letter forty-nine - Day fifty-seven of your vacation

2010-11-30T19:17:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Am listening to Eddie Reader's Roses, a song introduced by Seeming recently.

Love is all around feel it in the breeze

Summer’s comin round dressing up the trees

And it makes me feel alright

Watching all the signs of passing time

Seasons going round, digging in their heels

Open up your heart to the passing time

Clear yourself a path you can leave behind

Leave a lot of love in each heart you find

Open up your arms to the passing time

Roses in the ground growing in the fields of summer light

Showers falling down,

all is as it seems

If it makes you feel alright

Don’t regret a thing you leave behind

Love is growing wild.. out in summer fields

Have not been eating good and sleeping enough. The last two nights have been good though, Sunday night I slept before 12am. Last night I turned off the light at 12am.

I realised I have to make a better effort to eat properly, I owe it to many friends to do it. There was money collected during your wake. After the funeral I got a big bag of groceries from Tania, bought with the money they collected, they being the usual suspects of...I don't know else who put in the pool, Nell, Peter, TP, Kin Meng, Chels...Tania, Melissa...duno who else.

And a month later Tania passed me a bunch of cash from her `Janet's grocery wallet', the leftover cash from the pool they collected. She said she was done carrying two wallets around with `my money' in it so she told me to just take the money and buy myself food to eat.

So I better buck up and have regular meals.

Something weird happened yesterday, actually Sunday. I went to your place on Sunday evening, saw a cat there...but didn't see Hilary anywhere. That cat hung around and I look at it and wonder, where is Hilary and who is this cat?

Monday night I was at your house again and that cat was there still, I looked closely and checked the tail this time. Lo and behold, that's our Hilary. The crooked tail and the `sore-throat' meowing. Shocked I was...Hilary has ballooned in just a week, I haven't been to your place for a week during the workshop. She is so...round now that I couldn't recognize her. Shocking that it took me two days to recognize her.

Cher Siang came over on Sunday morning to visit Thursday. He took a liking in her quick. A feisty little lady he called her. I took him to the vegetarian Indian place to have breakfast. He passed me a few books to read.

Ok, there's tons of papers here to be filed and I better be making a to-do-list now for the week. The flat is clean now and am in the mood to clear away papers so I can work better.

Changed the sheets earlier...I've been sleeping in the middle of the bed. In the morning I usually end up curling over at your side, looking out at your side of the window - also because that is the window the sun doesn't glare. I always lie there for a few minutes just concentrating on the memory of you.

Much love,

Letter forty-eight - Day fifty-six of your vacation

2010-11-29T20:00:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Thursday is all curled up like a ball and fast asleep now on the Mama rug in my study, oblivious to the noise of after work traffic outside and Cassandra Wilson's singing on my iTune.

Took her to the vet today and got her 2nd jab for the skin infection and first vaccination, de-worm, cut nails again. Bought a new bag of cat litter, the flushable kind, a bit expensive but am going to try anyway - Feline Fresh, pine wood and smell better. Got a carrier cage, and a new water & food bowl.

It's nice to see her sleeping for so long, instead of having to fend her off my toes and anything that dangles in her face.

Spent the night at your place last night. First time in weeks, in Weeks, that I went to sleep before 12am.

Am late for dinner at your place, going to bring over your dad's suitcase that you borrowed a while ago.

this pic of me, taken by Brandon Lim at the jazz workshop showcase. It reminds me of your style...I miss having you pointing the lens at me.

56th day, 4 more days before this turns 2 months...

My sister said to me today, life is a speck of dust in the galaxy. Good reminder. We are all huge tiny speck of dust, going about everyday doing big things, and small things.

I love you, lots.

B

Letter forty-seven - Day fifty-four of your vacation

2010-11-27T11:15:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Had a blast last night at the Volker party. You would have loved my dress last night, I wore a really short tight Qi-Pao...to the theme of the song I sang there - Carmen's Habanera in Mandarin. Met with many friends there and made a few new friends.

A picture of doing the Carmen while trying not to be bothered with my dramatic (riding up) hemline, taken by Sam.

The jazz workshop concert on Thursday night was very exciting for me. A completely new experience, my mental state was a total roller coaster ride - from a total mash of stress (before the workshop started) to a thorough sense of fulfillment at the end. There were many moments of groping in the dark during the workshop, Elvira and I didn't want to hold back the class too much with our questions on the music - because the rest of the classroom were trained musicians. I doubted my decision to sign up for this many times and am glad I dived head in, Greg Lyon's music is a tough nut for even trained musicians. I don't think I have become an excellent musician over those three days but I have learned something better (Elvira says) - I learned not to be afraid.

Then of course there was the comradeship with the other students, four horns, a guitar and the standard trio. For most part of the workshop Elvira and I were treated mostly as instruments if not all the time.

Subsequent to the classes, I have come to know that many of the `musicians' and song writers I know aren't trained musicians either. Many of them have taught themselves to play their instruments and write songs.

Gabrielle Maes was at the party last night, she sang Bewitched with the band. I managed to do some precious catching up with her and she gave me some important advice - go back to singing classes. "Spend some time with yourself, go back to see Cecelia, spend time on horning the singing technique." She also did add, "Oh, go out and meet more civil engineers!! They are mostly straight!")

This is what I need, the singing class. After your accident an, I was harbouring the fear of having to put aside a hefty budget every month for the lessons with Cecelia but I guess Seeming is right about the money thing - the more you spend, the more hungry you'll get to make the money back.

Isn't exciting, I think. My plate is piling up.

I think of you a lot, a lot more than usual the last few days, surprisingly, while am having a crazy busy week. Yesterday during the warm down exercise at hip hop I had a vision of us (a relaxing oriental music was on the player) together in an Indian garden, very zen and relaxed. Of course I haven't a clue what an Indian garden is but that was the feeling I had, a quaint and relaxing space we were at together, united in minds. That was the first time I got emotional in public in the past one month.

I was `looking out' for you that night at the workshop showcase at Alexis. When I was doing my make up yesterday before the party I thought of you and just amazed that you creep out to call me in the midst of my busiest moments.

Thursday is asleep in the study with me, she sleeps on Mama's rug. It's a rare sight, she is usually busy entertaining herself by annoying me. She looks kinda peaceful now that she is just being stationery and breathing, eyes closed.

Somehow I feel that with her around the home, I get reminded that you aren't home anymore and I would choke with emotions and feel nauseated that I would dream of compensating your absence with her liveliness. However, I am (at the moment) determined to keep her for a while at least, to see how I will make her my friend, or vice versa.

Peter and TP are home from their vacation. I got a few postcards from the Covent Garden opera house and a book of all the Paris Vogue covers. December will be a month of lots of cheese-eating at theirs.

Ok, am glad I catch up with some of my thoughts here with you. Now am going to try to rest up before I have to get ready for a corporate gig tonight. Just 4 songs tonight, with back up dancers.

Oh ya, I met this boy Fung Chern Hwei, a Malaysian violinist who lives and play in New York. Am listening to the two CDs that I bought from him...his music is beautiful and moved me a lot. There's this song in particular, Chloeictchka that really tug at my heart when I hear it. I don't how it happened but the first time I play that song in my car I just thought of you, that song just got me thinking of us and I really miss you then.

I have a lot of new CDs to go through, songs to sing, stories to tell.

I love you.

B

Letter forty-six - Day fifty-three of your vacation

2010-11-26T03:31:00.002+08:00

Dearest J,

Again I was caught by `you' off guard. Home from sending Elvira home after supper and after the workshop showcase, am removing all the hair pins in my hair...and listening to the silence of the night and to my aloneness.

Even with Thursday's constant probing around and fooling, I cannot feel your absence being replaced by this adorable creature. In fact, the more I look at the kitten the more I get reminded of your absence.

I sit here, still in my full make up and gig clothes, I can't believe it's been more than 50 days...everything feels so normal and incredibly foreign at the same time...

I don't hear you calling me from the bedroom, no SMS from me seeking my attention...

Ya, this is both ultra weird and `the same' at the same time. Same being that am busy just as before, out most of the time, always doing something going somewhere (you like me busy). Different being that am all alone here every night, now `am not alone' with Thursday around, poking her nose in everything her nose and claws can reach.

I look forward to next week when my diary is less jam packed so far, I long to nap in the afternoon and sleep in at least twice.

Am glad I joined the jazz workshop, have so much to tell you. Tomorrow ok? I need to lie down now, going to hip hop class in a few hours.

Miss you like crazy,

B

Letter forty-five - Day fifty-one of your vacation

2010-11-24T20:31:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Tired. Thursday doesn't like the can food I got from Bernie. She hardly ate the food I put out, mixed dry and wet. After one day of watching her not eat it, I threw out the remains on the plate and give her the old Addiction brand dry one.

Will have to find time to go out and get new stock. I haven't plan on giving her up yet, we'll see how we get along some more. I do care for her, though am not making time to play with her more. Am very patient with her too, you'd be surprised.

Today's jazz workshop was tiring...Elvira and I got pretty lost with a few songs, not being able to read the charts well. I did more improvisation today, it sounded better than yesterday. Elvira said to listen to more Brazilian music for practice.

Long day tomorrow. Hair appointment in the morning, then straight to last day at workshop. Then rush to sound check and show at KLGCC. Hopefully I will be done there by 9pm and then I can go off to Alexis for the jazz showcase.

Wanted to stay in to do music homework and watch the Maria Callas interview DVDs but Sushee told me Mia is back in town and singing at Backyard tonight - a hard one to refuse.

I better get shower and get some small amount of work done before I head out.

Your mom SMS me today to tell me that your photo (the huge one at the wake) has been framed and it's ready for me to take home to keep.

Gotta find a good place for that.

I miss you a lot, 51 days already, two months?

......

B

Letter forty-four - Day fifty of your vacation

2010-11-24T02:59:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

What a relief. The stress for the past week is finally behind me, even though the jazz workshop is not over yet. We worked on one song for about close to 2 hours today, I managed some improvisation today, some notes came out naturally, most parts I felt good doing the lines, some notes went to really weird places. After listening to the recording of it, I cringed...I need to work so much more to do what Greg said to `rise to it and seize your part'.

Anyway, working on my solos aside, to sit in the ensemble today and feel the `family ties' of being in a band, instead of being `the singer' - was sheer bliss and happiness. I am lucky to have Elvira next to me helping me along with the music.

Photos from the workshop.

This is a good distraction, and an excellent concentration of work. I can still hear your voice in my head, telling me to learn my theory and piano. I hope this time I preserver..

Last night late at night I lied on our bed, I was dead tired and sleep was much much needed. But strangely I was wide awake, trying to remember what was it like to listen to your voice and how we used to talk late into the night and early into the morning...

A sadness came over me because I was suddenly worried that as time moves on and I live my life without you, your words and your soul, the language might leave me in time...our language of love, our intimacy which we held so close to our hearts.

I already feel like it's leaving me, maybe it's coz I don't spend a lot of time thinking about us these days. I have been burying myself at work - exciting, stressful work. I don't feel that these exciting endeavors are planted on purpose so that I can think less of you, I just feel naturally drawn to doing. Doing, diving in, head on...like this jazz workshop that I had zero confidence in when I first signed up.

Been eating badly on my own. Last night had a grand home cook dinner at Bernie's.

Going to a dinner party upstairs at Fai & Christine's...home cook food :)

Tomorrow another, hopefully exciting session at the workshop.

Love,

Letter forty-three - Day forty-nine of your vacation

2010-11-22T18:58:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Thursday is scratching me crazy and am too lazy and too ignorant to discipline her....

Attended my one wedding last night for the year. Haven't been keeping count but I attend about one wedding per year, or less. It was a beautiful one last night. Yuri and his `company' of best men and bridesmaids performed an incredible medley of songs for Xandria.

I took many pictures at your niche yesterday...took a lot of Tristan particularly. And a handful of the giant cross at the Christian niche centre, simply coz it looks good on the camera. Will try to edit a bunch and show your family.

The bank just called, they have approved my company account application and have asked me to go in tomorrow to make my first deposit! Cheers to many cheques to go into this bank account.

Thursday is sleeping outside the study now. I have made our little corridor as her area, her bed is there, with her two scratch pads. In the night I move her bed into our bedroom next to me....I think she wants to jump on the bed soon, when she figures out how to jump.

Tomorrow, big day - first day at Greg Lyon's jazz workshop. Am not that prepared but am prepared for the worst, BUT am ready to just make the best out of the...circumstance.

I better remember to find time to google a map or something, no clue how to get to the studio.

Have to get ready now for dinner gathering, brave it out in the traffic to PJ for yummy home food.

Wish you were here...miss holding you.

Love,

B

Letter forty-two - Day forty-eight of your vacation

2010-11-21T12:21:00.003+08:00

Dearest J,

Time to get more cat food.

Been up doing song lists for a couple of gigs.

Your dad just called up to ask if am free today to join them to go visit you (he said your photo is up at your niche) at the memorial park.

It feels good to cry after a long week...let it flow they say?

To visit you there after the niche installation, with your family wasn't what I had in mind. Since the funeral I haven't quite shown much emotion in front of anyone...refrain is such a painful thing.

I guess I need to find time sometimes just to cry over the spilled milk. I've been a good girl, I spend most of my time and energy on what's good and what's left and what's ahead and what's exciting and uplifting.

But this is all still fresh, the wind outside is strong but it hasn't blown away the pain.

Your dad bought you flowers...I guess I will see you soon later.

I better get going to go over soon. Have to organize to leave the memorial park on time because I'm going to a wedding tonight. Attending Xandria & Yuri's happy day.

Love you lots,

B

Letter forty-one - Day forty-sixof your vacation

2010-11-19T20:12:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Thursday really should go to the vet soon. Her nails are long and are nasty on the curtains in our house. She is getting used to this space and have finally pooped this morning while I was out at Ann's hip hop class.

Max has put on some weight lately, I read him a book (Papi And I) on Wednesday...that doesn't happen very often.

Yesterday was a rather productive day, thought my songs for the jazz workshop are still not anywhere takes a shape. I went over to Maybank down the road, finally, to open a company account. I got my rubber stamp this week too. Anyway, am grateful that the account opening process was a breeze, they now need to run a `company search' before they confirm the account and have me proceed with the first deposit.

I celebrated by stopping over on the way up to the flat, to eat. Had a sour dough toast with egg mayo at Tommy Le Baker downstairs. Tommy learned how to bake in France and we have many mutual friends in theatre, he lives here too.

My sister went over to see Mama yesterday with her Nyonya curry and some soup. We stayed and chatted with her for a bit before I head out to meet Seeming and Nell at PJLA, my sister also left in a downpour to home.

Thursday stares at me, curious at every single moment or activity.

.....

I started this letter in the morning. It's 8pm now.

Took Thursday to the vet near your house to cut her nails. Doctor also gave her an injection (one of three) for her skin infection on her ears. She hated the car ride there because she was left in the leg room by herself, when we got there she had a huge fits and took a few mins for her to calm down before I could hold her and got her out of the car.

She is now happy again, home and playing...with shorter nails, phew. We both napped hungrily.

I had a late lunch at your place today, Mama made my favourite staple again - plain porridge, there was fry pumpkin with garlic, fried fish, her shallots. I had two full bowls of that.

Hungry now. I finally opened that packet of dark chocolate cookies Tania & gang got me (among other stuff in a huge basket) and ate two. I sat on our couch eating and looking around the hall - it makes an excellent and intimate rehearsal space. It's so especially cooling up here these days. The dining table area would make a great meeting table for more than 6 people even...and with the keyboard in front of it. And all the score books just at arm's length's reach.

This space should be made useful now. It's really kinda big for just one of me. We decided to buy this bigger unit because there were two of us, I remember it was you who initiated for a bigger design because you said, it works for the future, to have more space. Well, now I shouldn't let this space go to waste...

I said this today on my FB status:

Don't wait for another breathe to be wasted...love deeply and seriously, honestly and whole-heartedly.

Am going to Cher Siang's gig tonight at Alexis Ampang. Going to bring your Nikon there and hope to indulge in a few shots.

Miss you deeply,

B

Letter forty - Day forty-five of your vacation

2010-11-18T11:42:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

The test drive started last night after midnight. Thursday arrived at Viva, she is loving her space and freedom so far. I can imagine if you were here you'd be quite amused with her silliness.

Peter passed me cat food, cat litter, litter deodorizer, litter tray and...ya, and the kitten. I got scratched all the time at my feet. She is very attached to me, since last night on the way home. She literally stared at me till she dropped to sleep...I don't know when. I put her little sleep-mat on my wire-art-work (from flea market years ago) next to our bed so she can be near...which is what she likes, so far.

Meet Thursday, silly cat.

Christine came over to help me settle Thursday last night. Fai came later to play with her too. They are totally (seems to me la) smitten with her.

This morning I woke up to the sound of her playing with the plastic plug adapter I kept under my bed side table.

I fed her at 10am. She hasn't pooped yet.

I've been sleeping very very late. Very naughty. I better get my act together or this body won't hold up.

I signed up for a jazz workshop, paid and received all the music charts and recordings yesterday, been rather stressed with it since...what was I thinking? Jazz workshop...

Christine helped me last night with three songs, I recorded my parts on my phone with her playing. You'd be happy to know that this keyboard you bought me a few birthdays ago is finally being put to better use these days.

Last week the keyboard went to Actors Studio for that Replay acoustic outing. Today am using it for a wedding rehearsal.

This cat makes me smile sometimes, she just keep staring at me, I imagine that it's you gazing up at me ok..

I miss you lots, LOTS...hugs.

Love,
B

Letter thirty-nine - Day forty-four of your vacation

2010-11-17T02:54:00.001+08:00

Dearest J,

I was home tonight before 12am, as I drove into the carpark I remember how you'd always say, "Wow you're home so early.." when you see me back online before 12am. How you'd always log on to gtalk just to see if am there, to say good night to me. That memory made me smile.

Having a migraine now. Had two very good gigs today wor...so happy.

....

Ok, back. No more migraine. Fai & Christine just left. Christine made me a bowl of noodles, looked at my clothes and shared some pesto and crackers. I made Fai some tea with honey, he wanted coffee, he made use of the TV while he was here.

Anyway, yea, I had my time in the `zone' today...actually it's yesterday, it's already 230am. I focus more in putting my heart in every line of lyrics that I sang today..I mean yesterday. The music from the band last night was pretty amazing too, thanks to Wilson's music arrangement.

I got big news for you - am bringing home a cat tomorrow. Thursday is a kitten rescued by Peter from his neighborhood. He said Thursday is litter-trained and very independent. Am suppose to `test-drive' having Thursday here while he is off to London & Paris for a week, to see if I want to keep a pet for the long term.

Am quite excited, knowing there will be extra work load, cleaning, feeding, cleaning, feeding...not sure if your leather chair will survive the claws, etc. But the thought of finally having a cat around here, and to watch and to play with, it's joy already. Maybe one day I can even bring Hilary to visit...

Station One cafe is finally open downstairs, I wonder if they'd have live acts there.

Too sleepy now to type more. I thought you a lot today.

Love,

B

Letter thirty-eight - Day forty-three of your vacation

2010-11-16T10:03:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

43 days. Forty-three days, 6 weeks and 1 day. I can't decide if time have passed by quickly or slowly. I realise this morning that every time I wake up in the morning on our bed, I would spend a good few minutes to recollect the memories of you. This morning I was recollecting the smell of your hair, and how you'd moaned and grunted when you missed a score on your phone games, sitting on the toilet.

Went to your house last night for dinner. Your parents are in China, since Friday night. They will be home this Wednesday. Mama choked during dinner, rice too dry and she ate too fast. Her cough is lessen but still there. It's taking a while, more than a month, and still going, for her to recover...at this hour, I truly wish for an angel to bring her health. She misses you too much.

It's going to be a long day, I have a gig in the afternoon and one dinner show at night. Going to have my hair done in the morning, by a new stylist at Cut Above - because today is Sam's off day.

Time to get back to packing and getting ready. Here's a picture of us taken by Seeming, behind Viva...soon after we collected our keys to the place.

Love you lots,

B

Letter thirty-seven - Day forty-two of your vacation

2010-11-15T09:03:00.001+08:00

Dearest J,

I started my day lying in bed watching this video. I don't usually check my FB or emails in bed these days, but somehow this morning I did. Of all the videos posted up this morning, I clicked on this one to watch...

The music and its plot makes me miss you very much.

I had a great time this weekend on the road trip to Singapore for A Little Night Music. We sang a lot on the way home. There's always a lot of singing whenever am with the gang, and lots of food, of course, plenty of love for everyone...you just know that am in good hands ok.

I think am going to sing a bit now...

Oh there's some amazing shots by Brandon on Friday at the acoustic gig, he made into a little video of images with the song Man In The Mirror covered by James Morrison.

Wish you were here.

Bottomless of love,

B

Letter thirty-six - Day forty of your vacation

2010-11-13T02:26:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

I imagined having you there tonight (last night actually but still feel like `tonight') in the audience, in your white Hanes tee and holding our Nikon D70 snapping away.

Here's a snap at the show from my iphone. I had a photographer tonight! I befriended Chel's friend Brandon, he is a professional and he so kindly offered to help tonight.

I enjoyed totally in working for this gig. Hopefully I get more offers to perform at gigs like this one.

This is a blessing, not only I get to experience the whole being in a `singer-song-writer (doing covers)' environment, I got to perform a set of almost entirely new repertoire all in one night; worked with Nell on interpretation and characters for all my songs. And best one - I made a new friend in Christine, my pianist and co-singer. New friends are plenty, good new friends don't come everyday.

Tomorrow...or rather, in a few hours' time am off to Singapore with the gang. We are watching A Little Night Music at Esplanade.

Next week, three shows!

I can't wait to sing sing sing.

I was so happy on stage tonight, I thought of you during the show constantly.

Love you x 10000000000000000000000

B

Letter thirty-five - Day thirty-eight of your vacation

2010-11-11T02:58:00.002+08:00

Dearest J,

I should be sleeping!! My heart is restless, it is itching to sing a good song.

I revisited a song that I told myself to learn a few months ago, American art song, Richard Hageman's Do Not Go, My Love.

Shared the song with Cher Siang, he told me that song reminds him of two jazz standards of similar mood - Never Let Me Go and Here's To Life.

Shirley Horn's rendition of Here's To Life

These songs are haunting me so that I don't want to sleep just yet. My brain is tinkling with thoughts of how I want to swallow this music, whole and alive.

Now I appreciate better why musicians, bands, singers would go on putting up a show of their own without much of a pay in return - just so they get to perform something that makes them proud...before they return the next night to a hotel ballroom to play everyone's favourite wedding sets.

I too, ought to do the same, to keep my appetite and hunger for good music alive.

Am excited about the acoustic gig on Friday.

There's going to be another round of prayer at your place tomorrow night, follow by a party.

Ok now I get ready for bed. Miss you lots!!

Love,

B

Letter thirty-four - Day thirty-six of your vacation

2010-11-09T09:51:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

I lied in bed this morning, listening to the Tuesday traffic on Jalan Ipoh, soaking in the lack of conversation in our room. I lied there trying to work out what I was feeling. Yes, it's going to be really quiet here. No conversations, just me, singing or talking into my phone.

It's just me talking to you now.

This flat is rather clean these days since the cleaners' visit.

I just spent some time looking at your FB page, went through some photos that you uploaded. Realised it's a little treasure box of your memories, especially the biking memories. Your Phuket trip photos are so full of your little quips.

Here's a photo for you, taken from one of the photos you uploaded on FB. Dr House on his bike...your bike.

I also downloaded the podcast file of your interview on BFM last year.

There's still many photo albums to go through. Many of your old photos are now being turned over and scanned and shared on FB, by many.

I better shake out of this and go on. There's my dance class happening in an hour's time. Tonight there will be rehearsal upstairs with Christine & Fai for my Friday REPlay gig.

Miss you lots!!

B

Letter thirty-three - Day thirty-five of your vacation

2010-11-08T18:25:00.000+08:00

Dearest J,

Another windy day here at home. The nights have been cool if not cold at times.

I dropped Aunt Vickie & Jenny off at Sentral to catch a train home. Mama is still recovering from the bad cough and now on new medicine for her sore throat. Everyone's been complaining to me that she is not eating enough to get well. I know if you were here she would listen to only you. She is very manja with me, she said she would eat more if I am around. I will go there more to eat with her ok don't worry.

Having a rather productive day so far. My calendar is getting busy with bookings and enquiries. Spend the day doing up song lists for clients and sending emails to musicians. I look forward to sing, sing, sing.

Here's a pic for you, from my last wedding gig last month. TP was the emcee. I played with a new band that evening as Cher Siang & gang were abroad then...Kiat on bass, Kevin on sax and Terrence on keyboard.

Am going out for dinner and hopefully a movie with Peter & gang! A movie!!

I miss you alot!!!

B

Here's a song for you before I go, it's called Sing.

Sing, sing a song

Sing out loud

Sing out strong

Sing of good things not bad

Sing of happy not sad

(*) sing, sing a song

Make it simple to last

Your whole life long

Don’t worry that it’s not

Good enough for anyone

Else to hear

Just sing, sing a song

La la la la la

La la la la la la...

Sing, sing a song

Let the world sing along

Sing of love there could be

Sing for you and for me

Letter thirty-two - Day thirty-four of your vacation

2010-11-07T23:55:00.001+08:00

Dearest J,

Something's got over me the last few days, I don't know what but my appetite has been amazing. I kinda haven't really stopped eating since Deepavali on Friday.

I went over to your place yesterday after Pilates with breakfast at round 930am. Saw Maku cleaning vacuuming your shelves. I started `supervising'. At 2pm, your entire storage-shelf area is thoroughly cleaned and organised.

The amount of dust that was washed away was, significant.

Yan has made two photo albums of your photos from various outings, she had also framed a few photos and left them on your shelves.

Dinner was a two-table party, from Mama to your cousin from Singapore and his wife, and his mom, Aunt Jenny from JB, to children from other cousins, etc.

Today has been a strange quest for eating again. I was quite contented with my big mug of soya bean drink at home when Peter rang and insisted that a proper lunch was required. I went over to find myself gobbled down 4 servings of (brown) rice, soup & vegetables. At 3pm I drove Peter and Nell to visit Mama, we bought about RM 20 worth of fried char-keoy snacks. I had about half a dozen of those before I sat down and finished a small bowl of left-over fry glass noddles. I was so full of food till I had to eventually lie down to nap.

So then there was dinner! We (Peter, Nell and I) left your place to head towards SeeMing's. She was making piazza! And was ordering some comfort food for us (ie. vegetarian fried rice & Hokkien noddles).

I had about two slices of her yummy vegetarian pizza, and a good serving of the fried rice.

What an amazing weekend filled with food!

Am very sleepy now having stuffed my face all day and talking all day. Am going over to your place in the morning to help fetch Aunt Vickie & Jenny to the train station.

Talk soon....

Love you x 100000000000000000000

B